I am forced to "JADE" or somehow I am the bad guy. What do I do?

[revmwej]

I often feel trapped.  Either I am forced to "JADE" or somehow I am the bad guy.  What do I do?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gotbushels]

 

revmwej have you considered what you can do instead of JADEing?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

[revmwej]

revmwej have you considered what you can do instead of JADEing?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

I often get mad and annoyed at the onslaught of questions that I just shut down.      

[waverider]

revmwej have you considered what you can do instead of JADEing?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

I often get mad and annoyed at the onslaught of questions that I just shut down.      

What happens to the questioning if you remove yourself?

How do you feel if you remove yourself from the questioning?

You cant directly stop her questioning, You can stop yourself hearing the questions.

[revmwej]

revmwej have you considered what you can do instead of JADEing?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

I often get mad and annoyed at the onslaught of questions that I just shut down.      

What happens to the questioning if you remove yourself?

How do you feel if you remove yourself from the questioning?

You cant directly stop her questioning, You can stop yourself hearing the questions.

If I remove myself from the questions (leave the area) I am still the bad guy.  Now that I think about it she once said that I run away from conversations all the time and that's when I started to feel trapped.  I feel bad because I want to talk and resolve the situation but I also don't want to be trapped into a conversation that will do no good.

[waverider]

If I remove myself from the questions (leave the area) I am still the bad guy. 

So you are no worse than if you stay

Now that I think about it she once said that I run away from conversations all the time and that's when I started to feel trapped. 

It is your own feeling of guilt that keeps you trapped. She is putting that on you. Your guilt feeling comes from believing you dont have an answer.

I feel bad because I want to talk and resolve the situation but I also don't want to be trapped into a conversation that will do no good.

You can't, talk with not resolve anything, that is the trap, only decisive actions.

What you are doing is not working and nothing wil change unless you change what you do.

Your own sense of "fairness" is handicapping you in a contest with someone who has no sense of fairplay, only winning.

[an0ught]

Hi revmwej,

If I remove myself from the questions (leave the area) I am still the bad guy.  Now that I think about it she once said that I run away from conversations all the time and that's when I started to feel trapped.  I feel bad because I want to talk and resolve the situation but I also don't want to be trapped into a conversation that will do no good.

Give up! Simply give up trying being the good guy. Have you seen ever movies? The really interesting roles are the bad guys and often they get the beautiful women (until the writer is forced to come up with a political correct end).

Seriously, you can't be always the good guy. You have to accept that she is angry at you and that is ok too. It helped me to see the relationship consisting of love/hate and attachment. While attachment is more a function of duration, intensity of emotions, maybe other investments and reasonable stable the love/hate aspect can fluctuate. But that is not the end of the relationship. Fear and hate can bind together strongly too. So don't confuse being the bad guy once in a while with destroying the relationship. If upset she may lash out with threats of abandonment but only if she feels they hurt you.

Study validation. JADE is almost always invalidating and will cause her to deregulate even more. Invalidation is also corrosive to the relationship in general. If you fear abandonment stop JADE.

[waverider]

Seriously, you can't be always the good guy. You have to accept that she is angry at you and that is ok too.

Ironically this is the flaw that many pwBPD have, they have to be the nice guy, and when a crack appears they loose it as they can't balance that we are all a bit of both.

I remember a friend i used to have, who in hindsight i believe had BPD traits, who believed he could friend girls into falling in love with him. By totally eliminating the "naughty boy" elements of the whole boy/girl dynamic. Ultimately by trying so hard not to be "sleazy" it actually felt creepy and for girls after first thinking him charming, it went through odd, to creepy. It always went from couple of dates to "friends" to fury as they started dating someone else, because to her he was just a friend. The moral is that he stood for nothing other than appeasement. Ultimately no one respects a yes man.