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Author Topic: How should I handle this one  (Read 399 times)
Narkiss
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: March 28, 2016, 10:38:47 PM »

My pwBPD has said once again that he will come and visit (we are long distance). Over and over, he made beautiful plans, only to cancel. The last four or five times I have gone to him. I think it's control. He knows it's important to me, so he won't do it.

Anyway, I need to ask him very soon when he's planning on coming so I can set aside that time. What is the best way of doing this without triggering him? He is controlling but also feels bad for canceling and disappointing me. Last week he even apologized for taking so long to visit. (one of the few apologies). You also need to know that He recently lost his job for cause and this likely has derailed his career so he is likely feeling wounded and defensive but also may be feeling that he needs to carve out a new life for himself. (He also has strong narc aspects). For the most part he sees me as a source of loving stability and acceptance and is generally pretty happy around me (although as a borderline, this feeling isn't consistent).

Anyway, if he makes yet another excuse and cAncels, how should I handle that?
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waverider
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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2016, 06:58:16 AM »

Do you think he has a fear of failure by being out of "his zone"?

Dont get into the excuses. If it is important to you that he shows some effort then it is your choice whether to make this a boundary. eg You will not be visiting until he has visited you. But you would need to be willing to take this to it's natural conclusion if he doesn't. Therefore it is important that you be sure you want this.

It is not something you are likely to achieve by debate and negotiation alone
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Bpdsupporter
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« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2016, 09:53:45 PM »

It's important to get to the bottom of why he is cancelling on you. To do this your gonna have to sharpen your empathy and validation skills and learn the art of active listening. Also pray!

First things first. Despite his reactions always know that most people with BPD are not really trying to deliberately hurt anyone. They just feel so much pain. It's so unbearable that they will do anything to aleveate it. It's terribly debilitating. And very difficult for those of us who are equipped to regulate our emotions to comprehend.It's really hard to understand someone who seems to love you one minute than hate you the next. This can be quite wearisome to any soul. But people with BPD are still people and they deserve love too. Not everyone is equipped for this though. If your not willing or capable to do this and it's causing you to feel bad about yourself you may want to consider getting out of a relationship with someone with BPD. This relationship requires you to change not them. And it's completely reasonable if you feel you can't. You would not be a failure your mental and emotional health always comes first!

So... .if he cancels again as hard as it may seems you cant  take it personally and you have to throw away all judgement. And use it as an opportunity to uncover what's really going on underneath the surface.

Empathize and validate him as much as possible.

I always write out my potential conversations I'm going to have with my BPD man, so I don't get all dysregulated emotionally myself. It's hard hard work for real.

Here's a potential script I would have for your situation.

Honey are you coming to see me?

No I have to cancel.

You have cancelled a few times you must be feeling afraid( this is called mind reading... you may be right but be prepared to be corrected. That's part of the process)

If he says no I'm not afraid I just don't want to come ( or whatever his response is who knows)

Whatever he says validate it.

You can validate it by just repeating it back to him word for word in a question form.

Like "so you are cancelling because of... ."?

He will say yes

Then you will have to validate again with

Well I can see how you might be feeling that way. And really really try hard to see his point of view. Assure him that you understand how hard it is.

Before you try this. Go on YouTube and look up videos on active listening skills and reflective listening skills. Write your script and give it a try.

These skills take practice, and you may not still get the results of him coming to see you. But what you will get is a deeper connection to your love. And that will make both of y'all feel good.

I know it's hard but the disappointment you feel is something you have to try and find healing through self care. Get healthy emotionally spiritually and mentally. Focus on making yourself feel good. If you just miss him so much you may always have to be the one to go see him. He can't be responsible for your feelings you have to find healing through yourself and God. I pray... .it helps me so much and creates a natural sense of empathy for myself and my man. Also journaling your emotions even writing him letters (dont mail it though) just to get your emotions out first. Because your going to have to work really hard at keeping your emotions regulated. Its hard work so equip yourself as best as you can. Good luck!
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Bpdsupporter
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« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2016, 10:00:41 PM »

https://youtu.be/DABarBuR2K4

Here's a great video from someone with BPD on validation. It really helped me understand BPD and how to communicate better.
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