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Author Topic: Same sht different day  (Read 385 times)
Melono
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: March 30, 2016, 02:43:55 PM »

My s/o has NOT been diagnosed with BPD. I found my way to this forum after several years of turning to the internet to try to understand what is going wrong in our relationship when we fight. I'm really hoping I'll be glad I did and I'm getting to the point where I don't want to talk to friends and family about this anymore. I feel annoying talking about it whenever we fight, and friends and family start to dislike my s/o, then she picks up on it and I get more problems for it.

We have been married for 5 years and have a child together. I’m not entirely convinced my s/o has full blown BPD and I am well aware of not being qualified to make such a diagnosis. Having said that some BPD traits really fit my s/o and others don’t at all.

My s/o can go from seemingly calm and relaxed to suddenly angry and overwhelmed. I am an anxious person and I get nervous when I sense things are about to kick off and it does me no good to walk on eggshells all the time. When I need to broach a subject that is stressful to her (finances, logistical plans; anything admin related; social event with people she is not comfortable with or doesn’t like but are my friends, etc) I often find myself trying out different sentences in my head in an attempt to choose one that won’t trigger a bad reaction. As yet I don’t have a formula and some days I can say it any old way, while others I can’t say it right any way.

When angry my s/o will blame me as the source of the problem even though my own logical deductions don’t always agree. Sometimes I am not at home (rare these days), and if something set’s her off to feel overwhelmed you can be sure I’ll immediately receive an angry call or sms telling me she can’t cope, she’s about to “lose her ___”, accused of leaving just her to deal with ‘x’ on her own and that I clearly don’t care about her if I just go off and ‘leave my family’. Sometimes I go out with a friend and nothing happens at all. She can be incredibly hurtful when angry, personal attacks, telling me to F off, or saying F you to me, saying I’m selfish for leaving my family (to go visit a friend), grossly misrepresenting or misunderstanding my intentions (even if good) because I expressed something choosing the ‘wrong words’.

In the early days I assumed this was baggage from a previous relationship, but over time I have learned that this is something part and parcel of my s/o and goes deeper and further back than that. With all the things said to me it’s hard not to take offense and jump in to defend myself. If I do it only makes things worse and we end up on cyclical arguments that escalate my s/o’s anger to the point where my she will get progressively louder and more angry, ignoring any requests I make to please calm down and to not shout, please think about the neighbors or our child in earshot. If it continues she will snap, become scary, unrecognisable in facial expression, gritted teeth, shouting and swearing she will hit me or herself, slam doors, break mirrors, throw things, regardless of who hears or who is present. There is nothing at all I can say or do to stop her at this point.

She does appear to have some abandonment issues but not as extreme as I have heard other pwBPD have. She hasn’t been abused as a child or ever, but has often expressed not feeling heard as a child, told to stifle her unreasonable childish emotions by parents, mostly her father, told to shut up and generally dismissed etc.

She doesn’t cheat like other pwBPD and is very loyal. Doesn’t drive recklessly unless already triggered.

I have just come back after a two week separation we had a really constructive, conversation that didn’t turn into a fight. She finally saw the connections between her childhood, how she get’s set off and that she has difficulty controlling her emotional state, that sometimes she self-triggers by reading between the lines of peoples words and reacting to what was ‘obviously’ meant but not said. I could have whooped all night but I kept it in and hoped that this was a major breakthrough.  

Things were great for a week, I even felt love towards her and from her again, like the walls between us dropped and we saw each other in the same way we used to.

Today she has been hyper sensitive, moody and snappy. Reading between the lines again with me and several other people. Same ___ different day. I've only recently learned about validation and have tried it out with some success but I need to learn where I fit in to that picture and when and when not to validate. Today I feel disheartened, angry and annoyed, and in this state I can’t even be bothered with validation. Almost like I want to say, “If you can’t be bothered to try then F-it. Let’s fight. I’m tired of being the only person holding the F-ing flame for this relationship.”

The same habits prevail and now I have retreated to my home office with alcohol to avoid her, to feel relaxed and not have to tip-toe around my own F-ing house.
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once removed
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2016, 03:22:11 PM »

hi melono and Welcome

im glad youre reaching out for support. i can relate to several aspects of your story; im an anxious person myself, and i began to cope with the resentment and anxiety of walking on eggshells with digging in and lashing out which i do not recommend. you must be exhausted  . the good news is that things can improve. have you had an opportunity to read through the lessons (links) to the right of your screen?

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JohnLove
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2016, 04:12:15 PM »

Hello Melono, when I read your thread title I just had to look. I'm surprised a moderator didn't "adjust" it. Maybe they will? I hope not. It is right on the money how I and others have sincerely felt in our relationships.

The symptoms of personality disorders lay on a spectrum. There are many different traits. Some still undocumented in the DSM. And then there is the severity of those individual traits.

Reading the tools and more importantly putting them into practice has a very high chance of improving your relationship and how you feel.

I know we don't have the "qualifications" to diagnose mental illness. I understand this politically correct website does not encourage it... .but please, NONE of those behaviours if repeated over time are "normal" or healthy. So if I may add my 2c your SO has an undiagnosed personality disorder (read: mental illness) and you are in the right place.

I am out of time right now but I will respond to the specifics in your post later today.
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NotThatGuy

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married and living together
Posts: 49



« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2016, 04:14:23 PM »

I think that, in lots of ways, it doesn't matter whether somebody has been formally diagnosed with BPD.  Some BPs are really high functioning and get better fast with the right therapy--their loved ones never need a board like this.  Other people without BP have enough problems in one or another area that their relationships are more difficult than if they'd just met the "diagnostic criteria."  What matters is what the problems are, and what tools are helpful.  (My wife got diagnosed, then sort-of got undiagnosed, and now isn't officially diagnosed with BPD but is getting DBT for it. . . go figure).

It does sound like your wife has major problems with emotion regulation and self-soothing, which are definitely BPD traits.  I've found a lot of the stuff people have said around here, the lessons on the forum, and the resources they recommend, really useful.  Like, validating the valid-- you can always say "I know you're really upset about X" without that meaning that they *should* be upset about X.  Or even "It makes sense that you'd be upset about X, given Y and Z from your childhood."  I've found this to be a healthy way to be supportive when my wife is really going over the top with something, and I want to help but don't want to reinforce unacceptable behavior.

The other thing I've found amazingly useful is the idea of "limits" as opposed to "boundaries".  (Think I got it from "Loving Someone with BPD" originally).  A limit is something that exists whether you honor it or not, while most people think of "boundaries" as something you choose.  But if you're getting so upset that you're ready to say "F-it", then a limit has been crossed-- and you get to acknowledge that!  

You get to walk away from a conversation when your partner is being abusive.  You get to take a break and not answer the phone.  You get to have limits around how she treats you.  You are *not* responsible for helping her cope, especially not if she's treating you so badly that you're having trouble coping with that.  You are allowed to take care of yourself-- in fact, you have to.  It's your first responsibility.

Anyway, diagnosis or not, I think there's a lot here that might help you figure out how to get through this.  It really does get better.  Hang in there!
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waverider
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2016, 05:25:22 PM »

Most of BPD behavior is repetitive and cyclical in nature. What makes it difficult to cope with is that it is dressed up with lots of side issues to express what is going on in their head. Typically others attempt to address the side issues. ie the representations of the problem, rather than the problem.

Venting via these side issues is a dysfunctional method of soothing for someone with BPD. Unfortunately it resolves nothing and often inflames everyone else who find it hard to stay out of it, and in fact inadvertently inflaming it by invalidating the person with BPD who believes they are not being listened to. This is not surprising as they are speaking with one language (the symptom issue) while expecting you to respond in another (the real issue), one in which you are not well verse.

This leaves you endlessly confused, reactive, and frustrated. Continuous frustration leads to resentment and a complete inability to respect and admire someone. Resentment is the cancer in any relationship and needs to be cut out to prevent the relationship from dying.

Stepping off the roller coaster and watching it pass around you is the fist step. You have no control over your life if you stay strapped in.
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