Continuing or ending this short-term relationship?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I feel tired, first of all. Tired of discussing who is right and who is wrong, who is to blame and who's fault it is. I've just been a few (6? 7?) weeks into this relationship and it has turned 180 degrees, from being "perfect" (alarm bells should have gone off) to conflict after conflict. I feel I am his enemy now.

I have a responsability in our conficts too, but I also feel I can't get through to him anymore. Also he grabbed me last week and shook me for a minute or so... .he did let go when I told him to, but then he started screaming his lungs out. Anyway, 7 weeks in, feeling tired and misunderstood like this... .I should probably end this. On the other hand, there is doubt, otherwise I wouldn't go into the trouble of posting this.

Any advice, tips? Would love to hear from you... .

Am not using my real name but greetings, Dara

[dara]

Hi,

I feel tired, first of all. Tired of discussing who is right and who is wrong, who is to blame and who's fault it is. I've just been a few (6? 7?) weeks into this relationship and it has turned 180 degrees, from being "perfect" (alarm bells should have gone off) to conflict after conflict. I feel I am his enemy now.

I have a responsability in our conficts too, but I also feel I can't get through to him anymore. Also he grabbed me last week and shook me for a minute or so... .he did let go when I told him to, but then he started screaming his lungs out. Anyway, 7 weeks in, feeling tired and misunderstood like this... .I should probably end this. On the other hand, there is doubt, otherwise I wouldn't go into the trouble of posting this.

Any advice, tips? Would love to hear from you... .

Am not using my real name but greetings, Dara

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hello,   

I am very sorry you are going through this.  I think the constant fighting and especially the physical shaking are HUGE red flags that this relationship is unhealthy at best.  

What are you having doubts about?  

[dara]

Hi C. Stein,

Thank you for replying to my post  

I think part of me is in denial this is an unhealthy relationship, probably because it also felt so nice to be with somebody again. There's a big 'click' as well, which I don't really feel now, but it was there before the fighting started. Also: I myself am not miss perfect either. I think he and I know how to press each others painfull buttons. And I also am needy sometimes, or am easily hurt, feel 'unseen' or insecure.

Our vulnerable parts seem to be very similar. And also what is confusing is that lately he keeps saying the fighting or difficult discussions are comming from me... .and I start to doubt whether he might be right, and maybe I am blind to some strange interactions I bring to the table... .but that is on the one hand, on the other hand I feel manipulated, and as if he is changing his "approach" in the discussion all the time, but the end conclusion lately it that it is my fault, and I exhaust him... .(I feel he is turning the table).

Not sure I am still making sense in this message  

[livednlearned]

Hi Dara,

Welcome and hello  

You're really insightful to notice how the relationship has made you feel in such a short time. It took me 10 years to be able to summarize what you learned in a few months!

There are some communication skills that can help -- they're not intuitive, and at the same time, once the patterns are pointed out it can help clarify where things are going off the rails: How to Stop a Circular Argument.

Projection is pretty common in BPD relationships. He has a hard time processing negative emotions so externalizes them onto you where he can deal with them in a safer (but unhealthy and confusing) way. It's a crude coping mechanism.

Glad you're here.

LnL

[dara]

Hi LnL,

Thanks for your reply! I recognise exactly what you say about projecting, because this is what happend yesterday (and before)... .I am the one with a problem, I am all in my head, I should stop whining, my behavior makes him tired etc... .

But I do have a question about this; is it also 'part of BPD' to come back on that they have projected? Because now he comes back on it, saying sorry for his behavior, and that he wants to be there for me... .

It is exactly what I want to hear (him taking responsibility for his reactions and sort of seeing my needs, which I clearly stated yesterday, but ok ).

Is this part of BPD? because although I am glad he says this, I feel he is reeling me in, because he kwows/feels he drifted me away with his behavior yersterday... .(or am I reading to much into things now?).

Thanks for thank link too! this whole site is very helpfull... .

[livednlearned]

is it also 'part of BPD' to come back on that they have projected? Because now he comes back on it, saying sorry for his behavior, and that he wants to be there for me... .

Is this part of BPD? because although I am glad he says this, I feel he is reeling me in, because he kwows/feels he drifted me away with his behavior yersterday... .(or am I reading to much into things now?).

I read that projection is something that is part of the human condition; in non-disordered people it can show up in crisis. For people with a PD, you could say that they are in sort of a perpetual state of crisis and projection is much more prominent.

Your BF may feel triggered by something, and he goes into crisis (for him), a type of emotion mind. When it subsides, he can see more clearly what he did, and he sees the effect of his actions, and tries to repair.

I'm not a therapist, so this is simply an observation. But I notice on these boards that there seems to be varying degrees of narcissism mixed in with BPD. Your BF may not be quite as narcissistic, therefore he is able to express vulnerability (which can feel inferior to someone who is narcissistic) and apologize.

Your BF is probably trying to reel you back in when he has returned to baseline. He is no longer emotionally aroused and is in a different state of mind. It feels like manipulation because it is, though only in the sense that he is trying to get a need met without any guarantees he will be triggered again.

Part of being in a BPD relationship is radical acceptance that he is emotionally labile, and that he can return to baseline. Emotional arousal for him is like the ground suddenly moving and next thing he knows he is on a roller coaster, and has to ride it out -- something else is controlling it. Your job is to stay rooted firmly on the ground and not get on the roller coaster. He will say hurtful things, and do hurtful things. Staying grounded means you take care of yourself in those moments, having boundaries to protect yourself so your own strength is not compromised.

People with BPD need you to have that strength. 

[C.Stein]

Hi LnL,

Thanks for your reply! I recognise exactly what you say about projecting, because this is what happend yesterday (and before)... .I am the one with a problem, I am all in my head, I should stop whining, my behavior makes him tired etc... .

But I do have a question about this; is it also 'part of BPD' to come back on that they have projected? Because now he comes back on it, saying sorry for his behavior, and that he wants to be there for me... .

It is exactly what I want to hear (him taking responsibility for his reactions and sort of seeing my needs, which I clearly stated yesterday, but ok ).

Is this part of BPD? because although I am glad he says this, I feel he is reeling me in, because he kwows/feels he drifted me away with his behavior yersterday... .(or am I reading to much into things now?).

Thanks for thank link too! this whole site is very helpfull... .

In addition to the excellent insight offered by LnL I will add this seems like classic push-pull behavior.  His behavior pushes you away, he sees you withdraw then pulls you back with apologies and promises.

It is important for you to recognize your own role in the relationship dynamic but be careful because projection on his part can leave you feeling/taking responsibility for more than you should.

[dara]

Thank you both again for your response. It is very helpfull and I recognise a lot. Luckely he seems to get it too, at least a bit... .he is in therapy (adhd) and he's gonna talk about this as well. He seems to see this behavior is bringing him, me and the relationship down. We'll see.

I hear you both, and there is a very true thing in the boundaries... .and the staying grounded... .good challenge for me although I do think I'm doing a good job so far. There's a reason we are together now, and I am not willing to let go of him yet. He's such a beautiful person as well, beyond the problems... .

I will keep checking in here, cause I do suspect it's gonna be necessary... .thanks for the help so far though... .

big hugg to you both 

[dara]

And who was I kidding? Ofcourse it happend again... .his anger through text about something I said, message after message after message (anger, accusing, projection, sweet, understanding, to rage and screaming in the text it's over) felt like a complete stalker... .not able to stop himself, not taking a break and look at what he's doing... .untill yesterday I started to vent my anger too... .that's when he finally listened. I even told him I think me might have traits of bps... .he wasn't shoked. It is so emotionally draining... .why would I even continue this? How do you make the decision? I can still walk away from this without too many consequences... .no house, kids, finances together... .

How does one make such a decision?

[C.Stein]

There's a reason we are together now, and I am not willing to let go of him yet.

What is that reason?

It is so emotionally draining... .why would I even continue this? How do you make the decision? I can still walk away from this without too many consequences... .no house, kids, finances together... .

How does one make such a decision?

This is a very important question and one you have to give very serious consideration too.   All too many people jump into marriage and have kids hoping that will fix their relationship and/or their own personal problems ... .IT WON"T!

Looking objectively at the relationship and who he is where do you see yourself in 10 years if this relationship continues?  Take off the rose colored glasses and be honest here, this is your life and you are the one responsibly for it. 

Can you be the type of partner he needs to remain somewhat stable?  Will he get help to address his own issues because he knows he needs to do it for himself?  These are some of the questions you need to be asking yourself here.

[dara]

There's a reason we are together now, and I am not willing to let go of him yet.

What is that reason? Hmmm, I think I have a problem myself with 'letting go', that first of all. That's not a reason to stay together, but I do think I can learn a lot about myself as well, setting boundaries, taking very good care of myself. And also there is so much potential in him, he is smart, clever, humorous, sweet, kind... .etc... .all when he is not angry, or projecting his anger onto me.  (right now, I know he is angry too... .I don't know why, and he is keeping it to himself so far, but I am waiting for the next angry message parade... .)


Can you be the type of partner he needs to remain somewhat stable?  Will he get help to address his own issues because he knows he needs to do it for himself?  These are some of the questions you need to be asking yourself here.

I doubt this. I am clever and can see through a lot of the bps stuff, but at the same time I need validation too. I can also be insecure, or dependent, or nasty, or emotionally pulling back... .(all because of commitment fear), so in a way we are probably the worst combination ever. On the other hand: I still feel calm... .getting better and better at staying calm in the mids of a storm... .

Overall I think I have a feeling we are not 'done' yet... .there is still more to discover. Dunno what he is cooking up in his brain right now though, wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't want to continue. He has mentioned that a few times and maybe he seriously means it (instead of fear of commitment).

He is in therapy for himself... .thats the good news as well.

[C.Stein]

Hmmm, I think I have a problem myself with 'letting go', that first of all. That's not a reason to stay together, but I do think I can learn a lot about myself as well, setting boundaries, taking very good care of myself. And also there is so much potential in him, he is smart, clever, humorous, sweet, kind... .etc... .all when he is not angry, or projecting his anger onto me.  (right now, I know he is angry too... .I don't know why, and he is keeping it to himself so far, but I am waiting for the next angry message parade... .)

I also have a problem letting go ... .or maybe more like giving up on someone I love even when the relationship has become unhealthy.  You are right in that it is not a good reason to continue in a toxic/broken relationship.  

You could learn a lot about yourself in this relationship and you could learn a lot about yourself outside this relationship.  You do not need him to do these things for yourself and I feel it is important you understand this as it seems a bit codependent to me.  

I understand seeing the potential in someone.  I saw a lot of potential in my ex as she is a generally a very caring and giving person that just sometimes struggles with things.  That said the disorder driven behavior overshadows all the good within her and it became progressively worse the closer I got to her and as the relationship deteriorated.  

I caution you to see him as a whole, both parts, because that is what you will be living with.  You need to be prepared for the possibility the disordered parts will prevail over the good parts you see within him.

I doubt this. I am clever and can see through a lot of the bps stuff, but at the same time I need validation too. I can also be insecure, or dependent, or nasty, or emotionally pulling back... .(all because of commitment fear), so in a way we are probably the worst combination ever. On the other hand: I still feel calm... .getting better and better at staying calm in the mids of a storm... .

This is good insight into yourself but be aware of something here.  Generally speaking borderlines will be unable to provide you with the emotional support you need to manage these issues.  You will need to manage these on your own, particularly given these will likely act as a trigger for him.  Emotionally speaking borderlines are immature and you will find yourself needing to be the "parent" to their emotions, many times having to put aside your own emotional needs.  You will likely have to give way more in this department than you will ever get back.  Are you prepared for this?

Overall I think I have a feeling we are not 'done' yet... .there is still more to discover. Dunno what he is cooking up in his brain right now though, wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't want to continue. He has mentioned that a few times and maybe he seriously means it (instead of fear of commitment).

He is in therapy for himself... .thats the good news as well.

What therapy has he committed to?  :)BT is largely considered to be the only semi-successful treatment for BPD to date and even then with highly variable results.  It is important to understand treatment in this case is not a cure but rather a set of tools for a borderline to manage their condition.  It can have some measure of success with long term dedicated commitment and hard work.  While it might make things easier for you if it is somewhat successful it will not be the magic pill you might be hoping for.  This is also something you need to be prepared for.

Read as many of the stories you can on this board to get a grasp on the issues you will likely face.  Please understand I am not trying to discourage you here I just want to make sure your eyes are open. You are at a crossroad here, choose carefully what road you take.  

[dara]

Thank you very much for opening my eyes... .I am affraid part of me is in some form of denial... .finally today we had nice contact again... .are going to see each other soon and I tend to forget the negative things that have been said.

I agree with what you write about being able to learn about myself outside this relationship too... .but in my case the negative hasn't overshadowed all the good yet... .I guess if it's gonna fall apart I have to learn this myself. There probably is some codependence going on, at the same time I enjoy standing on 'my ground' and comming back to myself, while he's in his rage... .or whatever... .if I still get enough out of it in the long run... .I don't know

while writing I feel this stubborn side of me, that isn't willing to let go yet... .I do love him.

He is not diagnosed BPD by the way, he's got adhd and his behavior has let me to think about BPD (traits)... .very common comorbidity.

I really appreciate your responses... .thanks a lot 

[5tarla]

Hi,

I feel tired, first of all. Tired of discussing who is right and who is wrong, who is to blame and who's fault it is. I've just been a few (6? 7?) weeks into this relationship and it has turned 180 degrees, from being "perfect" (alarm bells should have gone off) to conflict after conflict. I feel I am his enemy now.

I have a responsability in our conficts too, but I also feel I can't get through to him anymore. Also he grabbed me last week and shook me for a minute or so... .he did let go when I told him to, but then he started screaming his lungs out. Anyway, 7 weeks in, feeling tired and misunderstood like this... .I should probably end this. On the other hand, there is doubt, otherwise I wouldn't go into the trouble of posting this.

Any advice, tips? Would love to hear from you... .

Am not using my real name but greetings, Dara

This is the staying forum and I get why people aren't telling you pack up and go, but I think this passes the line of whether you should stay or not. I think once someone feels entitled to touch you like this it's best to leave. It hasn't even been a half a year a yet, and while I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, it doesn't seem wise to stay at this point once someone has 'shaken' you like that regardless of if they stopped when they asked. :/