Seeking Advice & Support

[Soozles]

Hello

I am 30 year olds and seeking advice about my current situation with my live in boyfriend of the past 8 years. We have been on & off and his symptoms seem to present as borderline personality disorder although he has never been officially diagnosed and instead has been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety and he is also an alcoholic.

In the past 3 years he has been in and out of rehab facilities attempting to gain his sobriety but what I have noticed is that the more he abstains from alcohol the more these other underlying symptoms are becoming apparent. He was just asked to leave a rehabilitation facility where he was due to aggressive behavior (something he has never done outside of the home in the past) namely fighting with other patients and throwing a tantrum/kicking a door. I told him he was only able to return to our apt if he continued outpatient treatment as I was not aware of the reason he was asked to leave until I spoke w his counselor the following day. I have just been informed that he can no longer go back to the outpatient treatment facility bc he did not finish rehab and I am currently out of town. In the past he has held down a variety of professional jobs but over the last 6 months he has completely spiraled downward and does not work. My question is : does tough love work? His counselor said I should change the locks and kick him out bc letting him stay in the apt and not hold his actions accountable is enabling him. I'm willing to do that but I'm not sure if that is the best route for someone with BPD. I have tried to speak to him about entering a long term (6 month mental health facility) but he gets angry and hangs up on me. Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Soozles.



Unfortunately, I have little experience of the issues you are facing so I can't help specifically, but I do know how daunting it can be to make a post and how it can feel like an age until you get a reply, so I thought I'd drop in and say 'Hello' until another member with more relevant experience picks up your post.

In the meantime, I'd like to encourage you to read some of the articles on the website... .there's a lot of valuable stuff here.

Lifewriter x

[livednlearned]

Hi Soozies,

There is a philosophy about rehab and dual diagnosis that both issues have to be treated simultaneously, and not all clinics do that. Since he has not been dx'd, he may also not be eligible for dual diagnosis.

My ex was also an alcoholic/BPD, and he was worse when he tried to quit, what some people refer to as "dry drunk." Many men with BPD seem to use alcohol or drugs to deal with anxiety. It makes sense, if they are BPD, that quitting the alcohol means their anxiety sky rockets, and they externalize their anger to cope.

The part about enabling is really, really hard. If you take the tough love approach, he may spiral down hard enough that he eventually gets the right diagnosis. Meanwhile, it's gut wrenching to stand by and watch that happen.

How did he end up in rehab in the first place? Did something happen?

[Soozles]

Thanks for your reply. He has been in dual diagnosis programs before but unfortunately when I have tried to reach out to the counselors on staff and voice my opinion that I felt he had BPD in addition to the depression and other issues my feelings were dismissed. He would stay sober for a month and then one day would fall off the wagon after becoming extremely depressed or raging at me.

The first time he entered rehab bc it was an ultimatum I gave him in order to save our relationship. He never acted intoxicated in front of me- in fact I did not know how severe his drinking problem was for years (maybe bc I chose not to see it? Also I believe I was much younger and more naive) it was only after cleaning the apt and finding tiny airplane bottles that he had hidden around the apt that I realized just how sick he was. When I tried to get him to stop drinking alone and he began withdrawing from the alcoholic and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance he finally agreed to enter rehab the first time. Like other alcoholics, he's very aware that his drinking will kill him but succumbs to it anyway.

The last counselor from this outpatient facility finally agrees with me and believes that he is BPD and needs to address the mental health issues and the substance abuse is secondary. He was sober for the past 2 months but his emotional outbursts have not improved. I'm really at a loss as to what to do- he was not supposed to be released until I returned home and I'm not comfortable w him staying at the apt alone for this long without  outpatient care. I had his friend check up on him and he has holed himself up in the apt and is sleeping - hasn't started drinking as of yet but he's already threatening to harm himself when I've called him/lashing out and saying that I can't control him. Basically saying and doing exactly opposite of what we discussed he would do when he called me 2 days ago and said he was being discharged for not getting along w several people. 

[Bpdsupporter]

I feel your pain. My BPD mate also is struggling with an addiction. So I completely understand.

Ok advice.

So tough love is the worst thing in the world for people with BPD. It's hard but what it sounds like is that nobody is really listening to him and he's feeling invalidated. That's usually why outbursts occur. They usually get louder more obnoxious and even violent as a way to get people to see how much pain they are feeling inside.

So you guys have 8 years deep. Sounds like you really care about him but your own emotions and well being is being drained and stressed.

In order to help him your going to have to first make sure you are taken care of. Because in order to get through to him your going to have to validate, empathize, and listen to him.

He's gonna need alot of support. And it will be asking alot from you. I'm sure you love him but are you sure you would be willing to empathize validate and listen and assure him. You will have to rearrange your life a bit. It's a commitment. Take some time to think about it. And then I can give you some advice about what I do in my relationship that has been tremendously helpful.

Please

[Soozles]

I feel your pain. My BPD mate also is struggling with an addiction. So I completely understand.

Ok advice.

hello

Yes any advice would be greatly appreciated.  I agree that I should seek help for myself the stress has been overwhelming. I actually went out of town for a vacation while he was away. I didn't anticipate that he would be asked to leave rehab and sent home while I was gone. His illness has made me anxious and I feel like I constantly need to monitor his actions.

One thing I want to add is that he has now become a low functioning BPD bc he seems to become depressed and stay home or ignore my phone calls instead of interacting with the outside world. In the past he's missed  doctors appointments, stopped taking his medication and obviously can no longer look for --much less hold down a job. My question is how much of this can I hold him responsible for? Should there be consequences to him not following through with seeking outpatient care? As I said he spoke to me and said he planned to do all of this just two days ago but as soon as he was released he was extremely moody and aggressive w me when I called him yesterday morning and asked him what he planned to do the day after being released.

I understand about validating his feelings and emphasizing and normalizing but where do I draw the line? I don't want to condone behavior where he gives up and I end up taking on the role of his mother. Plus the looming threat of him relapsing and drinking alcohol again while in this state also scares me. He has been ignoring my phone calls all day and has likely dosed up on his meds in order to sleep and avoid me-- he's done this before. Not sure what to do.

[Bpdsupporter]

Ok first things first my dear. I would like you to watch these three videos about validation empathy and listening. They are really short but they helped me really understand what to do.

Validation

https://youtu.be/DABarBuR2K4

Empathy

https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

Listening

https://youtu.be/FEvldkFkgsc

Second of all I want you to do something relaxing like take a bath get some candles do some deep breathing. It sounds like your having alot of anxiety and that's not good for you sweetie. I can tell you are a sweet empathic person and just want to be happy and you want him to be at peace.

So after you watch these videos and do a little self care.

The next step is to write a script based off the videos. Brainstorm how you can try and empathize with him. Take the judgement glasses off and just see a very hurt and sad depressed man who feels utterly alone and doesn't know what to do. So of course having a drink might happen. He will do anything to feel better. And wouldn't you too if your emotions felt like 3rd degree burns all over your body? That is what they say it feels like when you have Bpd. That's completely understandable right? 

So He's ignoring you now but that's not gonna last I'm sure. Your probably his only real friend. He's hurting real bad now and doesn't need to hear anything else about how he's effing up. Trust me he already knows and is feeling soo much pain right now.

You won't be able to solve his problems. And surprisingly people with BPD dont want you to. They want to be able to do it on their own. Your role is to come along side him and be the one person who will really empathize with him at this point.

If you can get to that place where he is feeling heard and loved... then you can began to brainstorm solutions with him as to what he feels will be best for him to do.

Oh just to clarify validation does not mean condoning or encouraging bad behavior it just means validating his feelings... .his emotions without judgement. The video on validation will show how to do it.

Also this is just the first step because these skills take practice. Try them with everyone in your life.

Also get the book "loving someone with borderline personality disorder" by Shari Manning. It's gold.

And last but not least Pray! Prayer will build empathy naturally in you.

Please please please take care of your self love first and foremost. Let me know if you need any more love and support. I'm here for you darling!