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Author Topic: How to better handle situations?  (Read 391 times)
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: April 02, 2016, 04:04:00 AM »

Here I am again back in projection land.

BpdH and I own a business. I do most of the hands on things. Emails. Social media. Marketing. Deliveries during the week. Photography. Consultations. And all the little things that get unnoticed.

He does some of the hands on stuff, but what take shine 3 hours to complete the first part of the job will then take me about two to three time to complete the rest of the job. He does the more mental stuff; financial, taxes, and email invoicing and email to our ongoing committed accounts.

Sometimes I will do the invoicing and emails if he has checked out. It happens during stressful periods for him. Well he has been doing more often than not. However, this past week I have been working 7 days a week and sleeping very few hours relying on naps to keep pushing. Again because HBPD has been checked out.

I asked him to email a response to a monthly very important client since I was doing all the physical job. He did not.

The next day they canceled their thing. Just for that day because there wasn't email response, but it was a $400-500 dollar loss. This hit us hard. We were unable to pay a couple of bills this week. He never apologized or took responsibility. He just sulked. Did some things. Came home and slept another 6 hours. I needed help. I stayed up all night having only gotten 4 hours of sleep the night prior and not sleeping until the PM the following Evening.

The morning while I was still working and he went to his job. He was moaning and groaning. He's been doing this all week. It's very frustrating when I have been awake working all night through and he is acting that way. I think when I work all night through he never actually comprehends how much I am working.

I then said I could have really used your help yesterday. His response do I not! That's what I always do! Then he left. Angrily slamming the door behind him.

Reminder he slept for more than 8 hours the night before and another 6 hour nap.

He was so depressed about the mistake and money loss he has been snapping at me;  If I say something he wont respond and walk out the room. If I let him know something needs to be done differently due to weather he snaps at me or is contrary to what I say. I let him lead one of the meeting today and his first response, why when you're just going to correct me and take over. He does this often. I'm trying to train him on certain jobs just in case I can't do them.

Anyway so today I finally asked, because my anxiety was on high alert to his mood. Why do you keep snapping at me and being so negative. He blew up and started the projection game about how "all week" I've been negative and rude and all I do is complain about everything!

I haven't said one thing after the failed email ask loss of money. I know he feels bad about it enough himself. I did say hey I asked you to email because I couldn't get away form the physical jobs. And that was it. Fine then it's all my fault was his response.

Anyway he blew up at me, I wanted to help w a delivery, he blew up and said I need to rest and was being so mean I didn't go w him. I really just wanted to help and grab a bite to eat after.

Anyway his DBT therapy ends soon. I'm frightened. Because I see those behaviors coming back. How do I handle these times? I know finances trigger the behavior so I know him failing with a big job was hard, but how do I react when I am being blamed for his bad behaviors? Like I know he is being nasty because he knows he messed up.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2016, 12:13:32 AM »

Pile on loads and loads of empathy. He's probably feeling so bad inside. I know you guys gotta run a business and you don't want him to mess up again but he may need a little time to heal from this. It's probably really devesting to him more than you realize.

When he snaps at you try to validate him.You can say something like

You sound very upset and frustrated right now... .I know what feeling upset is like and it's really understanble to lash out at people sometimes when you feel frustrated. I'm on your side and I want to let you know I completely understand. Feeling upset is normal.

You will be amazed at how quickly they calm down when you validate and empathize.

People with BPD despite their intensity are really not trying to hurt people. I know that's so hard to understand because they end up hurting people so much. When I began to really understand that the outbursts the snapping the insensitivy was not personal it just really made it easier for me. It's really hard but I've experienced such positive and amazing results from changing my perspective. I began to really see past all the rants and just see my poor broken sad depressed man who had no way of being able to handle all that pain. It's truly unbearable for them. It's like having 3rd degree burns all over your body. Anyone would be snappy if they felt that much pain.

Im telling you empathy and validation are like my secret weapon. It's really improved my relationship so much. Give it a try. Hope this helps and good luck!

It's not easy though. It takes practice and work because you have to be genuine with this. So it's important that you take some time and get some healing too. The only person whose behavior you can change is yours. Work on finding ways to be relaxed. How can you eleveate anxiety inside of you. Because you are in a relationship with someone with a mental illness you will probably be more prone to stress and anxiety. So self care is vital! Make sure you get enough sleep eat right maybe consider some natural supplements( I take inositol(vitimin b8) it's helped me alot with my anxiety check with your dr. You can get it at any health food store) therapy prayer exercise. Go to a spa... do something special for your self. Try and focus on your own well being and your own behavior. It's easy to start thinking that our BPD loved ones need to be different and need to change. But it's important to focus on change within ourselves and not them.They are mentally ill and doing the best they can. So show him empathy and be there for him through validation and just listen. That's really all they want. Good luck and blessings.

Peace and love!



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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2016, 09:35:55 AM »

I'm reminded of what a rather self-aware pwBPD I know of has said:

"I'm crazy, I'm not stupid."

The point being that all of these flaws he has, the ways he's dropping the ball, avoiding doing work he is asked to do, etc... .he's not so stupid he has zero clue that he's doing anything wrong. No, he's crazy. His emotions are overwhelming him and making it so he cannot do the (apparently simple and easy) things he knows he should be doing and needs to do. And he spirals deeper into self-hatred and blaming, then cannot take that, so he projects it onto you and turns it into a fight, because it is easier for him to deal with fighting  with you than it is to deal with accepting that he let you and himself down... .again... .

Consequently, explaining what he did wrong or holding him accountable for it will just make things worse, not better. All it does is point him back at the self-hatred, etc... .

I asked him to email a response to a monthly very important client since I was doing all the physical job. He did not.

And here is where you have to figure out how to walk a subtle line as a business partner. Perhaps you should have emailed the response instead of expecting him to do it. If you had, it could have been one of either two things:

Are you enabling him to be irresponsible and drop the ball, by picking it up and dealing with it, and protecting him from the consequences of his behavior?

Are you doing the part of the business work that he is incapable of doing well? (Perhaps asking him to email a client even though you had done the part of that job that he 'normally' does was a bad idea in the first place?)
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2016, 11:20:36 PM »

Grey kitty,

Yes I could be enabling him to not do the work, however I am aware we both get tired and when one needs rest the other steps up. So seeing those signs of he is not pulling his weight I have been stepping up to the jobs.

The physical work I was doing was for another of our wholesale accounts and they are very very particular sending back the items HBPD has done, so asking him to do the email is 1. Typically his job and the system we had in the past, and 2. An easy job he can do without mistakes and a job he knows how to do well


So I don't really know how to answer that question, we both equally work very hard, more than the average person and there are times when I need a break and he steps up. It's just lately I feel as if I have been doing a lot of the stepping up and not really getting recognition for the work I've been doing.

As he stresses about money, however stressing that I work too much. Putting me in a corner. This happens often and is quite frustrating. (Being money is a trigger for him).
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2016, 07:36:57 AM »

There aren't any easy ways to balance work with a pwBPD like that... .I'd need more info to have any idea whether you are too enabling or not... .

But this I can comment on:

It's just lately I feel as if I have been doing a lot of the stepping up and not really getting recognition for the work I've been doing.

Your resentment is building. That's significant. Something is obviously out of balance and either getting worse... .or the imbalance just keeps adding up. Let yourself feel all the resentment and understand what is bugging you (without acting on it).

You may well figure out you do need to do something, like enforce a new boundary to better protect yourself.

The other aspect is him not giving you recognition for it--That sucks... .but sounds typical of a pwBPD. He probably lacks the capacity to even acknowledge that he's dropping the ball, so of course he cannot thank you for picking it up!
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