Need Support

[millie1412]

Don't know where to start, I have been in a relationship for the last 4 years with someone who I believe has BPD. He has all of the characteristics or traits. When we met it was intense, he idolized me to the point where I remember thinking and saying to him I am not perfect, he wouldn't listen to that, his expectations were huge, everything was extreme and full on. I first seen the insecurities and jealousy when I was innocently speaking about college and then in everything I did without him he would decide there was a male that wanted to take me away from him. I knee it was completely untrue unrealistic but he would then be so apologetic and he was engaged in therapy for drug use at the time so he was trying to change and I loved him so I accepted behaviour I never taught I would. Eventually he became fixated on the fact I was seeing a guy from college, to the point where he asked me to take a lie detector test, I agreed it never actually happened but he withdrew from me sexually, didn't want any physical contact. He at times when things were good explained the feelings of emptiness as Much as he could. The suicidal taughts since he was a child, the traumatic violent childhood, anyway I could go on and on but the pattern for the last year is him going back and forward between me and his ex partner who he has two children with, it's nearly every 3 months to the day. He goes from hating her and idolising me to the opposite. It is so painful he can completely switch off his feelings and disassociate from me, shows no loyalty. The current situation is he is gone a week and I'd say back with her. I can't talk to anyone about it be cause they don't understand at all and just make me feel worse saying I'm mad for ever being with him. I love him im broken

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hello 

I can understand the pain you must be feeling right now not knowing if he is coming or going.  I also can completely related with feeling broken.  When I was in my relationship I felt broken as well.

Was he married to his ex?  How do you feel about his relationship with her?  Since they have children together it is expected that he will continue to have contact with her.  It seems as if he cannot make up his mind what he wants.  Is this a fair assessment?  What do you want to happen here with the relationship?

[A C]

Like you, I have found that those close to me cannot understand why I am in a relationship with someone who is so challenging. This makes our struggle even more difficult, as we second guess our feelings and actions - or when we choose to forgive what everyone around us insists in unforgivable. So first of all I want to commend you for reaching out for support, especially to those of us who understand your feelings.

At times I have felt that if he got sick, of course I would stay - or - doesn't he deserve to be loved? At others, I feel that dealing with the kind of hurt and ongoing behavior that will always be difficult and probably hurtful is just not for me.

I'm new to this site and new to dealing with my relationship 'armed' with information and a greater understanding of BPD. It is making a positive difference, but it's much too soon for me to know what will happen going forward.

What I do know is that if you stay, you will be doing most of the changing and forgiving. That is neither 'bad' nor 'good' - it is just reality. Only you can decide if the man and the relationship are worth the effort TO YOU. Not much else matters.

As far as his relationship with his ex is concerned - it is most likely that she will continue to be important to him. He has children with her and, in my experience, most people who enjoy more than one partner, rarely are successful in exclusive relationships. [this seems to hold true whether the person suffers from BPD or not]. If exclusivity is a core boundary for you, then it is going to be very difficult for you to find the comfort you want in your relationship.

My relationship is not exclusive - nor am I his 'primary' relationship. We have been together for over 16 years and, in that time, I have watched him bond with one gf after another. He usually tells them a version of "I'm not monogamous" but, because he is very jealous, he insists that they be exclusive. This has nothing to do with being fair. It has to do with his need for validation and love. Like yours, these gf relationships start out with intense adoration. Gradually, the reality sets in. Most of them end after about 3 years. Usually, I believe, due to the woman choosing to move on.

I will be honest. I don't think I could handle my relationship if I needed him to be exclusive. [I also will not promise to be faithful to him, although it's been about 3 years since I was with anyone else. And, when he asks me - usually after we've been arguing or taken even a short break, I am always honest with him. For me, this is a core boundary.]

There is a lot of valuable information on this site about setting boundaries, understanding his behavior and other tools that can assist you, if you choose to continue. I encourage you to ask yourself what is important to you. If you hope or expect to change him or to restructure the relationship into a more conventionally acceptable one, the chances are good that you will be hurt and disappointed. That doesn't mean the relationship won't improve ... .

Whatever you decide, give yourself credit for daring to love. Give yourself credit for wanting what is best for both of you. And give yourself permission to take the time you need to decide about your future.

[Bpdsupporter]

I'm so sorry you going through so much. It sounds like you really care about this person but it's hurting you so much and it sounds like your feeling anxiety and alot of pain. One of the reasons we stay with our pwBPD is that when they aren't being all BPD they can be so amazing fun and wonderful. Romantic and exhilarating. So we stay because we think that we can get those precious moments again. I'm not saying that's your experience but it sure has been mine. The problem is that we essentially are just accepting that part of them and rejecting all their pain. And rightly so because they can do the most hurtful and mean things. They can be abusive controlling and manipulative.

So what do you do?

My advice for you is to take care of you. Your emotions your well-being has to be taken care of first! Your focus should be making sure your not anxious  depressed and feeling unloved and unwanted. Getting therapy, learning self care and how to relax even medication will help. Because you have been hurt and betrayed for the past 4 years it's time that you get some healing.

As you can see this healing has nothing to do with your pwBPD at all. Once you feel better about yourself and get healing you will then be able to really deal with your pwBPD. Because to be in a relationship with him you will have to empathize validate listen and accept him for who he is. Bpd is a mental illness. Its not just some evil person who wants to make you miserable. And in all honesty when you feel better you may not want to be with someone who has this challenge but r you may want to stay and help him too.

So my advice is to love yourself pray and get somr much needed healing. Then you will be better able and have clarity about what will make you happy. You deserve to be happy and blessed. Also start praying. It really helps.

Peace