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Author Topic: Where does being flexible end to?  (Read 373 times)
Godslove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 97


« on: April 02, 2016, 08:20:43 AM »

After the divorce in Feb, BPDxh tried to come in my place for a bathroom, tried to change his weekends (He cannot see the kids during his weekend due to his vacation---I had been flexible during two yrs separation but it leads to more problems), using kids to switch weekends, etc. I stuck to communicate with him only in writing by court order and said no. It made him continuously contact me, tries to talk to me but I stood firm this time. The weekend he wants to change is not here yet but I know he will just not show up to pick the kids even though I said I cannot switch due to my plans that weekend. My plans or times are nothing to consider for him.

Now another text from him "Please help me see the kids midweek. Let me know a day when they do not have plans and we can coordinate." ... .Am I obligated to respond? I don’t want to help him while he is not even keeping the court order.

For two days since I got the text, I am nervous. During negotiation, he tried to get one or more days during the week but he couldn't commit. It is not on court order. This is probably what he wanted ---see the kids whenever he wants to. If this is him trying to alter the visitation by his own, I do not want to do anything with it.  

Or is he trying to make up those weekends he will not see the kids? Our week days are indeed pretty hectic. Always something going on but I can find one day like Friday for them to hang out. However, I don't want this to open Pandora's box for him to ask me whenever he wants to plus I want that day to use my down time with my kids since every day I am barking at them to finish homework, no games, soccer, counseling, etc. I cannot ignore the facts he is never on time.

Coordinating one day to see their father during April would be good for kids since they will not see him the whole month if he misses his weekends. But would this one time flexibility for kids give him a way to push me more in the future and mess up the schedule?

If no how do I say no without making it hostile when he reads it? like "Our weekdays are pretty booked with activities. I will let you know if any day opens up." Somebody here advised me to be the person and read it to twist... .

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Blistex

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 32


« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2016, 10:44:46 AM »

Generally it will lead to more of the same.

Can you respond with "just following the court orders?"  And then disengage. 

It's sort of a no win situation.  You don't allow it, he will still try to bend the rules.  You do allow it, he will still try to bend the rules.

To normal regular people, it sounds like a reasonable request... .but normal regular people have NO idea what they put us through.
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Godslove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 97


« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2016, 06:08:25 PM »

Thanks Blistex, you are so right. normal people have no idea... .
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Tobiasfunke
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2016, 10:38:00 AM »

I know the feeling. Trying to build a routine with someone in constant chaos and messed up priorities. How old are the kids? Ask them what they want. I feel like my ex never wants anything in writing or concrete schedule because day to day they can't follow it. Go to mediator session and discuss reasonable schedules or solutions to whatever the issue is. We all agree upon it sign the paperwork pay the lawyer. Then when u leave the office it goes right out the window. I suggest not stressing on it just accept it and realize you are great parent that will make it work. The kids will appreciate your patience and sacrifices. You will be the example they use when going through difficult times or dealing with difficult people. We are stuck with our exs any positive contribution to the kids is a bonus. Maybe busier week days u can split the kids to reduce running around travel and get more one on one time?
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livednlearned
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2016, 08:38:26 AM »

Hi Godslove,

It's best to send clear signals about boundaries to pwBPD. He does not have good boundaries so he relies on you to provide them and assert them.

Many of us who found ourselves in BPD relationships tend to have weak boundaries. We are appeasers, and that means squishy boundaries that are hard to define for someone (BPD) who needs strong ones.

The court order is a good boundary. When you feel things are sliding into ambiguous areas that aren't clear, roll back to a strong boundary instead of softening it. If your ex skips his weekends and misses a month with the kids, let him experience the effects of that boundary so he can learn from it. When you move the goal post, you deprive him of the opportunity to experience the boundary and he shifts his pressure to you.

He won't stop testing boundaries because he is not totally clear on what your boundaries are.

It takes a lot of effort and sometimes you will find yourself enforcing boundaries that have some unpleasant emotions and consequences for you. What you're doing when you assert these boundaries consistently is creating an area of safety and comfort for yourself regardless of the feelings that others experience.

Don't appease him. You can be firm without being aggressive or mean -- getting to this place is more about your tolerance of your own emotions than what he does because you have the leverage here. Blistex's recommendation is what you're going for. It's brief, informative -- you can add something friendly, and stay firm (BIFF).

"It is important that we stick to the court order. Please make accommodations in your schedule to have the kids per the court order."



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Breathe.
bravhart1
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 653


« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2016, 10:58:22 AM »

What livednlearned said, WOW.  bravo and wholeheartedly agree.

It IS more about getting the place of getting comfortable holding your BOUNDRIES than about anything else. He is going to be angry, controlling and unreasonable no matter what, hold your boundries and at least one of you can be happy. That's why you are no longer with him.

He wants to change the schedule for his vacation? WE would all have to change our vacation would we not? Why is he so special that all those around him must change theirs for him?

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Godslove
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« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2016, 01:18:20 PM »

Thank you for your support! It feels good to be understood. Everyone must have gone through a lot and still going on. I am very thankful that it is not every single day but couple times a month.

Appeaser is a new word for me and yes, it is so true. I will not appease him anymore. I am being strong, holding my boundaries and Yes. He is pushing me more. Last Sunday, I went there to pick up kids at 7 pm, waited for thirty min. He texted me finally around 7:25 that he is on the way-takes 45 min.

I texted that I am leaving so bring the kids back to my place which is 7 min. away. from his place. He went back to his his place anyway after 8 pm, texted me I need to come back because it is my responsibility to pick them up, and that is what kids want because they are playing a game. The texts went back and forth until 10:00. I was in distress. My H8 texted me asking when I will come to pick them up. I had to explain her later. Poor thing came back home cried... .Their bed time is 8:30 to get up at 6:20 am. I actually got in the car to go but did not go. He showed his truth later in texts such as-- I asked to see the kids during the weekdays, asked to switch the weekend, we need to work together, I've been asking for a little bit of flexibility, You have not been communicating well, the kids need their father, etc. So this whole thing was a way getting back at me.

I wrote that is nothing to do with this. I also wrote, when you are in the same situation, are you willing to wait for me for 30 min. and come back to get the kids after two and a half hours or will you expect me to drop them off? Then, I was writing him back that I have been flexible every visitation when he is never on time picking up but all of a sudden, he texted that he will drop the kids off but we need to do something. So I didn't send that text.

I feel good that I enforced my boundary this time and Yes. It was hard to tolerate my emotions because I am feeling how tired kids will be, etc. but next morning, I took a morning work off and they were able to have some more sleep.

Now Mother's Day is coming and it is his weekends. By the court order, I am supposed to have them back the night before Mother's Day. It did not happen last year. Instead he brought them back at 9 pm on Mother's Day after spending the whole day with his girlfriend and kids. My older (H8) one came back and cried. I am already afraid what is going to happen this year but when he picks them up on Friday, I will text him the court order. Thinking of a way to reinforce him to follow the court order so I can spend Mother's day with my kids this year.

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ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2016, 02:30:25 PM »

The order is new.  Of course an acting-out disordered person will try test the limits, even weaken the boundaries.  That's why being reasonable and accommodating will slide into more requests, guilting and even demands.  So sad that if we were reasonable then it would enable or even incite more boundary pushing and order weakening.

This isn't to say there can be no exceptions to the court order.  No order works all the time for every scenario, exceptions occur, life happens.  Ponder them, keep them limited and if need be put them in writing so it is clear (and documented) that the exception is a one-time exception made on a case-by-case basis.  In summary, just make sure you don't hand control (or the sense of control) to the other.

I found it was best to "trade" and not "gift" time or parenting.  And have it documented in writing.  Early in my separation I also learned that trades worked best if I got my side of the trade first, I often got burned if my Ex got what she wanted first and then she felt she could ignore my part of the trade.

As for the bathroom issue, I still remind my son (10 years after we separated & then divorced) that my Ex is never to enter my home.  I don't enter hers so she shouldn't enter mine.  I remind him that if she needs a restroom, then she should go to a nearby gas station or supermarket.  Same for claims of hunger or thirst, she needs to go elsewhere, on the way to my home she would pass many stores, supermarkets and gas stations.  I remind him periodically because (1) kids forget, (2) it's their other parent, (3) my Ex will try it and (4) a person and especially a child or teen, under the pressure of the moment, may allow something that otherwise wouldn't be allowed if there was time to think it out.
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