How fast is too fast when making friends? (BPD introvert partner)

[throwaway9999]

So the overview. My(m) BPD partner(female)(been together 6 years) is back in College after sort of dropping out, and is making friends now and it makes me slightly nervous. We both keep to ourselves a lot(introverts I guess) but are wanting to correct that. She started College 5 weeks ago and has made 3 friends(all male), one of which shes already gone to his house for dinner(which she told me about after the fact) and brought the friend back to our house and asked to take her PC to his house for a sort of LAN gaming thing just today.

Now comes the tricky part. (Trigger warning).

A few years back she was raped by someone who was a very new friend that we met. We became friends with this person quite quickly and it happened only within 2 months of meeting him. Being BPD she has a tough time making or keeping friends, and the guy was her first real friend in a very long time. She hung out with him a lot and ended up hanging out him with without telling me, and during 2 of those times was raped. We cut ties(no police conviction due to complexity) but since then shes only made one 1 other female friend.

So with her making new male friends very rapidly and intensely, I'm pretty nervous. Ive told her how I feel, she acknowledged she would be careful but I feel like shes really underestimating how she acts around people.

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[Bpdsupporter]

Be honest do you have a problem with her having male friends? It sounds like it disturbed you even before you found out about the rapes. It's completely understandable if you do. It doesnt make you some jealous creep. It sounds like you want her to be happy and get out there and make friends but you would prefer if she had female friends. Is that how you feel?

[throwaway9999]

Be honest do you have a problem with her having male friends? It sounds like it disturbed you even before you found out about the rapes. It's completely understandable if you do. It doesnt make you some jealous creep. It sounds like you want her to be happy and get out there and make friends but you would prefer if she had female friends. Is that how you feel?

Yes but not for the typical reason. In the past my partners had issues with caming and sharing explicit things to online friends that she shouldn't of(while with me). Shes gotten past that now but Ive always thought it was linked to her BPD and being impulsive, and her online friends taking advantage of her(all the online friends were male)

With the past friend(the one who raped her) there were also traces of that too in the way she talked to him. Letting sexual hints and things slide that you shouldn't let slide, and being a bit too accommodating. Also there were possibly traces of it that in the circumstances of the rape itself. I have a hunch that I wont share, but its different to the story told by her (the complexities of that could fill an entire thread and it would cause huge argument)

But I see your point. I probably am still a bit jealous, but I do feel like my worry is pretty justified (at least I hope so)

[adaw]

BPD introvert? that is an oxymoron. they latch on to people faster than fleas to a dog. i am an introvert and it causes frustration in her as i will give her "friends" one look and tell them sorry i do not mix with or drug addicts or gamblers. my honesty is another issue, because they cannot speak it. did the rapes occur? i have been around BPD long enough not to believe a word a word they say.

[Bpdsupporter]

Dear throwaway999. Your fears are very valid. You sound like a very natural empathic person. It sounds like you guys need to discuss some boundaries in your relationship. Be honest with her and just say that her spending time alone with another man makes you extremely uncomfortable. Not just because of the rape thing but because you got some jealous feelings. Let her know you are struggling with jealous feelings. And that's just the truth. Your not a bad person for feeling that way. It's OK to say in a relationship what makes you uncomfortable. Vulnerability can be scary but I encourage you to do it. It sounds like you really understand her but she might not think you really care because you havent really let her know that your a bit jealous. Give it a try and keep me posted. Peace

[Bpdsupporter]

Also just to clarify about introvert and extrovert.

An introvert reups on energy from being alone.

An extrovert reups on energy from being around others.

My pwBPD is definitely an introvert as well as myself. He hates being in crowds and is really shy. We are both friendly and sociable and outgoing but we both prefer to be alone. So maybe it's a matter of opinion but it's definitly possible to have BPD and be an introvert.

[waverider]

Introvert behavior in pwBPD is often more a consequence of social anxiety than anything else, seeded by a fear of failure.

However when they make friends they are so relieved that they go overboard into idolization. This in turn can give come on messages to the other person. This leads to this issue you raised.

A few years back she was raped by someone who was a very new friend that we met. We became friends with this person quite quickly and it happened only within 2 months of meeting him. Being BPD she has a tough time making or keeping friends, and the guy was her first real friend in a very long time. She hung out with him a lot and ended up hanging out him with without telling me, and during 2 of those times was raped. We cut ties(no police conviction due to complexity) but since then shes only made one 1 other female friend.

My wife did the exact same thing and filed a police report, then withdrew it due to sickness(?). To this day if I am to be honest I could not say for sure if the claim is true or false. All I know is she felt "abused", how much she coloured this up I will never know.

A pwBPD can put someone on a pedestal very quickly, then one day put a rope around their neck and kick the pedestal away. All on a perception.

When it comes to friendships there will never be a healthy balance. There will be white knights who meet their needs, then when they dont, maybe by having strong boundaries, they turn into slime balls that have just crawled out of the cesspits. Do not get too engrossed in all these extreme dynamics, otherwise you will be so busy "supporting " her that you have no life of your own.

ie Stay off the roller coaster and concentrate on your own life. It will make it easier to provide the balanced support she needs rather than just reacting to drama, of which there will an endless supply.