What is normal in the realm of a BPD withdrawing? Very worried

[Soozles]

After receiving some advice in my previous post entitled :Seeking Advice & Support I just wanted to post an update and find out what is "normal" or how much should I tolerate?

To recap- my live-in-BF was asked to leave the rehab facility he was at for alcohol early due to aggressive behavior. I was unhappy he did not finish treatment (this is his 5th time in treatment in the course of 3 years) but he assured me that he would be able to handle it & it was for the best bc he was not getting along with other patients at the facility. He's only been out 3 days and I've seen a dramatic ___ in his behavior- he stopped answering my phone calls (I'm away visiting family till the 14th bc he was not supposed to be released till then) and he's become angry and aggressive with me on the phone. All of his plans to seek outpatient treatment and look for part time work have gone out the window.

I understand that he may be ashamed and in pain and that this is how he is choosing to handle it but how much of this behavior is acceptable? For one thing I had my building's super go into the apt and look for him after not hearing from him for 2 days and he found him drunk asleep surrounded by bottles and his meds (I'm assuming he's mixing the two). I've spoken to him since and he denies drinking and is now again ignoring my calls and presumably sleeping. I'm worried bc this seems like destructive behavior.

I sent him messages to validate his feelings saying "I know how embarrassing and hard this must be for you but I know you're trying. Please call me so I know you're ok." And still no reply. Not to me- not to his family and not to his friends. So what do I do? Does this not go beyond regular borderline behavior- he used to make an effort and attend outpatient treatment daily and now his counselor told me he isn't welcome back there and he has not called her to assess a new treatment program. Keep in mind he's not working (but has access to about $400 bc he received a check he told me), the tv and power are or will be shut off bc he was supposed to pay and has not done so. Where do I draw the line? I feel like this is beyond what I can tolerate.

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[waverider]

I understand theis repeat of not completing rehab. My wife has a history of 20+ trips to rehab due to alcohol, at least 12 since I have known her. each stay was supposed to be 7 days, but rarely did she get past a couple of days.

There are two aspects to rehab, the initial detox getting it out of your system, then the rehab which is learning more effective methods of coping. Once the detox is done the shame of being in there, especially surrounded by other junkies and alcoholics. Being BPD the "switch" flicks and they dont assimilate as being the same. So the leave.

After leaving, they struggle and so this increases the failure feeling, and so it leads to destructive behavior. There is nothing you can do at this stage, it just seems like controlling, they push everyone away. You really need to stay your distance until they regain some semblance of normality... This is their gig to sort out.

By partner is 3 years sober now, she ran out of detox centers when the last one kicked her out after she overdosed on xanax she smuggled in on day 2.  I refused to pick her up and went away for a couple of days instead. In short she ran out of options.

You cannot "talk sense into them", delusion and defensiveness are at their heights.

It wasn't until we got that endless ordeal out of the way that the BPD became clear and I started to learn how better to deal with it.

You have to draw your line in the sand and leave it to him to decide what is most important to him.

[Bpdsupporter]

It sounds like this is way too much for you to bear. And understandbly so. Your happiness has to come first. It sounds like you really love him but if this is too much for you.  So my advice is to take this time while your away to assess why you are in this rlationship. Your in a place where there is really nothing you can do until you get back. So take this time to focus on what you need to do for your own happuness becasuse when you get back your gonna have to go through some very intense things.

One of the things that I had to do was get myself together first.  Why was I in this relationship? Was i codependent needy wanting to be the Savior

? I have been in previous relationships where this has been the case. So it's important that you began to focus on your issues and not his.

I know it's hard but you cant make him better he has to do it on his own. You can only make yourself better. Better for you may be ending this relationship and take some time to get help and healing for you.

You have every right to draw the line and put up boundaries. Your man is in a dark dark place right now. And he may be there for a while. Who knows but you can't really focus on him right now. You got to get to a place where you are healed and feeling better first. Otherwise your just gonna continue to be hurt afraid angry and stressed.

I know the issues at hand are very overwhelming but I think it's good you are away so you can really take this time to focus on you.

Do some research on codependency, and anxiety. Most of us who end up being with someone with

BPd have a history of this. Im not saying you do but when you get back make it a priority to get some counseling and therapy. Most of us on this board I'm sure are not professionals. I can tell you I'm not... but I want to let you know from my experience taking care of me first and getting some professional help and praying change d everything for me.

Be well friend... you sound like a very caring and loving person. And I'm sure your so worried about him. Again take this time to get some clarity and healing. And focus on you right now. Your pain and hurt and do what ever it takes to get some healing and support. You deserve to be happy you really really do. Never forget that!

[Bpdsupporter]

Hey Soozles... Just checking in with you. How you feeling... .were you able to get a hold of him? I hope you guys are OK. Peace.