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Author Topic: exBPD recently broke up with replacement and wants to be friends? Any Tips?  (Read 651 times)
Curiously1
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« on: April 04, 2016, 08:16:04 PM »

Almost a month ago exBPDgf broke up with me and a few weeks later dated her replacement (her friend).

My exBPD is the hermit kind and doesn't necessarily need to find someone new I don't think and is just focused on studying and is always at home.

I know at one point she's been in a hurry and looking finding dates online again as she's been asking if anyone is interested in her on her social media and hasn't been successful yet. It's only been 3 weeks and she is already sick of her friend as she said she is 24/7 depressing and she can't stand it. She has confessed that she isn't over me through social media too (not telling me directly) and also posts about her pleasant dreams about me yet still seems upset with me after I contacted her before the date she told me to get back to her. I thought she was reidealising. That was my mistake feeling anxious to get back to her sooner because of missing her.

She still finds me a threat to her well-being or still can't stand me but still wants to be friends in a weeks time. She told me to respect her boundaries and wait till the 13th so I will remain NC.

Is there a chance for a recycle? What was it like for you to be friends with your exBPD?

Tips for making a friendship work with boundaries? or getting an exBPD back in a relationship? I'm not sure I am ready to let go or have her out of my life.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2016, 07:49:37 AM »

What happens on the 13th?
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Curiously1
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« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2016, 11:45:45 AM »

I don't know. She just said we can be friends and start talking again on the 13th...
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JohnLove
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« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2016, 03:25:53 PM »

Unlucky for some?... . 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2016, 07:53:58 PM »

Just being friends with your ex could mean a bunch of things.

One that is very unlikely is having a "normal" friendship.

She isn't going to stop the push-pull dynamic she's already doing.

It might be much like the prior relationship, except that it doesn't involve sex, doesn't involve living together, or doesn't involve any promise of fidelity.

It might rapidly become a full-on recycle and resume the relationship mostly like it was before.

Let me ask you... .what do you want with her, friendship, relationship, or anything else?
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C.Stein
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« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2016, 06:35:13 AM »

I don't know. She just said we can be friends and start talking again on the 13th...

I don't understand this.  Perhaps she has given an ultimatum to someone else on the same day?
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Curiously1
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« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2016, 04:30:32 AM »

Just being friends with your ex could mean a bunch of things.

One that is very unlikely is having a "normal" friendship.

She isn't going to stop the push-pull dynamic she's already doing.

It might be much like the prior relationship, except that it doesn't involve sex, doesn't involve living together, or doesn't involve any promise of fidelity.

It might rapidly become a full-on recycle and resume the relationship mostly like it was before.

Let me ask you... .what do you want with her, friendship, relationship, or anything else?

I miss her... I don't know if a relationship is going to work out. A part of me hopes for a recycle. When she broke up with me almost a month ago she blamed me for everything and 'destroying' her. I was hoping that if we could go to therapy as a final option things will get better and she can see how she contributes. She posted that she isnt over me etc. on social media. If I was such a horrible person to her, it makes no sense that she wants to be my friend, you know? Perhaps she's seeing the positives about me again? I don't know what she needs me for or if she sincerely wants a friendship.

Also, things did not work out with the replacement (her friend). I was curious if that will make her nicer to me.

I am getting less addicted/dependent on her as time passes but I know that if she initiates contact again by the 13th and wants to see me I might cave in again. If she refuses therapy then I can accept friendship, or might just prefer an online one to keep distance for a while until I've completely moved on...
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Curiously1
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« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2016, 04:37:58 AM »

I don't know. She just said we can be friends and start talking again on the 13th...

I don't understand this.  Perhaps she has given an ultimatum to someone else on the same day?

I don't know what she wants from me or if she gave an ultimatum to the replacement. The replacement was her only friend in town. They aren't close since she's new but they have common ground interest wise. They met 2 months before we broke up and she tried having a relationship with her a week after she broke up with me. I don't know if she still sees the friend but I know that my ex cannot stand the replacements depression 24/7 and they arent offical anymore and shes stopped talking about her new partner on social media and where they go etc.

She blames me for too much push/pull still and said she never wants to deal with me again but I think she's just blaming because last I saw her I triggered her somewhere emotionally and she felt like she was going to die and simply blames me for whatever insecurities she faces from the time to time like that she wasnt good enough for me.

When she broke up with me it was through text because she was afraid if she'd see me again she'd stay with me, the person who hurt her feelings so much and that I'd manipulate her into coming back or she'd cave in for me.

She knows I am a lot of fun to be around. She enjoys my company so I assume she misses hanging out at least because the replaement is depressing to be with and that's all she has right now, friends-wise, except for her online friends. If I am truly an addiction out to destroyed her (in her mind) I am sure she would have never wanted to consider being friends? Maybe I took what she said too literally and to heart.

I have codependent tendencies and want to rescue/fix, unfortunately which keeps me hanging on. I still care about what she thinks of me which I know is unhealthy but she hasn't killed all of my hope yet. Her actions makes no sense to me.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2016, 06:42:44 AM »

She blames me for too much push/pull still and said she never wants to deal with me again but I think she's just blaming because last I saw her I triggered her somewhere emotionally and she felt like she was going to die and simply blames me for whatever insecurities she faces from the time to time like that she wasnt good enough for me.

Looking at the relationship objectively do you think her claim (see bold) has merit or is mostly projection?  It can help to look at our own behavior and how it might trigger someone with BPD.  This will help us in all our relationships, not just the ones with borderlines, as we become more self-aware of our own behavior and impact on others.

I have codependent tendencies and want to rescue/fix, unfortunately which keeps me hanging on. I still care about what she thinks of me which I know is unhealthy but she hasn't killed all of my hope yet. Her actions makes no sense to me.

Her actions will likely never really make sense, even to her.  With respect to your codependent tendencies how do you see addressing them in a positive way?
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Curiously1
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« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2016, 09:42:37 AM »

She blames me for too much push/pull still and said she never wants to deal with me again but I think she's just blaming because last I saw her I triggered her somewhere emotionally and she felt like she was going to die and simply blames me for whatever insecurities she faces from the time to time like that she wasnt good enough for me.

Looking at the relationship objectively do you think her claim (see bold) has merit or is mostly projection?  It can help to look at our own behavior and how it might trigger someone with BPD.  This will help us in all our relationships, not just the ones with borderlines, as we become more self-aware of our own behavior and impact on others.

I have codependent tendencies and want to rescue/fix, unfortunately which keeps me hanging on. I still care about what she thinks of me which I know is unhealthy but she hasn't killed all of my hope yet. Her actions makes no sense to me.

Her actions will likely never really make sense, even to her.  With respect to your codependent tendencies how do you see addressing them in a positive way?

Yes I do push/pull but I am not pwBPD. I am aware that my attachment style is ambivalent and have codependent tendencies. What happens is, if I perceive she thinks a need of mine is 'inappropriate' then I block her for a period of time (if it's online when she's away interstate at times) instead of continuing to try and make her understand my perspective. Also if I helped her with errands or household chores she never really shown appreciation for that and I would at least remind her not to throw garbage on the ground or whatever. She doesn't have to say sorry or thank you if it doesn't truly come from her to do so.

She seeme incapable of understanding how she upsets me, it frustrates me and it makes me feel out of control as a consequence. She thought I "split" in the same sense as her, a pwBPD but my pulling away was based on this fear that I would never be understood by her and needs always rejected, or truly unappreciated and nothing to do with hating her. I am not sure how else to handle this except to take a step back and acknowledge that there are things my exBPDgf was unable to show me such as more affection. In fact there were times she withold it and told me that she didn't want to enforce bad behaviour on my part by showing love at all. It drived her nuts at times because everytime I pulled away she was convinced that I hated her, that I was being incondsiderate and rude and she reacted in a extreme way to it and her core beliefs about herself and her self-esteem tied into it.  By projection I mean, as we all do, assigns certain reactions or behaviours to mean that I hate her, and she is not good enough for me (all the beliefs about herself) when in fact I just wanted time off from the constant arguing and never getting anywhere. And one time I did say I wanted time off, she thought I was planning on breaking up and leaving her because that is what silence means to her sometimes. I always apologise and tell her that I was just stressed out.

How to address my codependency in a positive way? I don't repress that much and I truly tell her how her actions makes me feel EXCEPT if it makes her feel like crap she reacts that it is my fault for making her feel like a bad person. I know we needed to work on some boundaries. BOTH of us. I am sad at this moment, she thinks everything is my fault. Well, she always did. I was hoping if she was willing to go to therapy, one day she might realise be able to look outside of herself and that my actions didn't mean I was borderline like herself and out to make her feel pain. She doesn't like to feel accountable for anything was the major issue and I didn't want to keep supressing my needs and sweeping bad behaviour under the rug just to please her so we could pretend we didn't have any issues and just pretend... .

She is still upset with me at the moment whenever I use reason or if I try to solve what we could do better and then tell her about what I thought she did to contribute etc. Right now, she is telling me she has cured her borderline a long time ago and all by herself... and I created this reaction in her and that all she has left is PTSD so I shouldn't dare speculate about her mental health... .and that it is me who is splitting and ruining things. I even got a professional to make sure of I wasn't crazy because I truly started to doubt my  judgement on my own issues because of the things she says that made me sound mad, at least in her mind.

Proposing therapy might get her angry again, I don't know how but I am thinking of asking her IF she wants to try make things work with us again. Otherwise, I don't think I can deal with her anymore if she can't see her own problems.

Is there anything else you think I could do if we were to remain in contact at some point? Or should have done?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2016, 11:52:58 AM »

When I read what you've written, I see a lot of stuff in there where you are totally wrapped up in what she might think, how she might react, what she is doing, what she might want with you, what she thinks about you.

And I get that you need to process all this stuff. There isn't a quick way to get through it, without those thoughts and feelings.

That said, I doubt you are going to have a healthy friendship with her until you've made it through more of this, and can focus on what you want, and accept her as she is, and figure out how much of that is safe to allow close to yourself.

Consider this possibility: On the 13th, (assuming you do hear from her then), tell her that you need some more time to sort out your own feelings before you can have a friendship with her.
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Wanna Move On
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« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2016, 12:34:26 PM »

My suggestion (to the original poster), is to completely ignore her. Do you REALLY think anything good will come out of it?

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Curiously1
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« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2016, 01:42:57 PM »

Consider this possibility: On the 13th, (assuming you do hear from her then), tell her that you need some more time to sort out your own feelings before you can have a friendship with her.

Maybe it's best to tell her exactly that. You are right about me caring about what she thinks of me. I can't change her perception of me and I shouldn't feel bad if she sees me as a horrible person still because her views are distorted. She might not even contact me and honestly some part of me dreads her initiating and acting all superior because I waited for her and did as she said. If anything, I am not going to initiate anything. I don't know how she will come across or be feeling when she messages me (if she does) and I will need to face that and try not take whatever she is going to say to heart too much.

I don't know what I want from her. I am not over her yet. I was hoping if she ends up wanting to get back together then she will consider going to couples therapy, assuming she doesn't have any options right now and isn't going to come back with a nasty attiude or that she doesn't need me. She doesn't have many friends. None in town, except the replacement so I don't know how much she engages with her friends.

And if we do get back, I don;t know if she can handle it if I tell her to get rid of her only friend (replacement) because bumping into them once when we were about to break up was sort of emotionally traumatising and I can;t cope seeing them together. Like I still feel bitter about what she did and how things ended. She needed to try out her friend when I opened up our relationship, and when I told her I didn't want it open anymore is when she dumped me and that it was all my fault for creating the mess. She shouldn't have picked a friend but she did but now sick of her. And still resentful towards me because of who I was taking out at the time and feeling unloved. I got cancelled my dates for her and wasn't going to see them again but she still decided to break up.

She obviously needs me or misses me in some way for something but I shouldn't be too wrapped up around anything she says and does.

She is feeling grandiose about herself at the moment, I think. She went from not feeling good enough for me to feeling like she is a queen that I and her replacement are too infatuated and 'obsessed' with her and that she's frustrated with the two of us... Sigh. I'm not happy about what she said. We had been together for 10 months and I grew to love her. I just never gave up. It had nothing to do with being 'infatuated'. But seems she has forgotten all of that and just building herself up.
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Curiously1
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« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2016, 01:49:22 PM »

My suggestion (to the original poster), is to completely ignore her. Do you REALLY think anything good will come out of it?

I don't know. I've never tried being friends with an ex as she is my first, unfortunately. I will be ignoring her and LC. I don't know how I am going to react if she does contact me. I haven't figured whether I am ready for that yet. I won't act all upset though, at least not in front of her. Probably not see her right away and stick to Skype and online friends. That is what we use to chat on when we are not physically together.

I've been thinking about what she thinks we could do as just friends... What real use do I have for her if we are not in a relationship... Have you ever been friends with your exBPD?
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« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2016, 11:14:31 AM »

I've never tried being friends with an ex as she is my first, unfortunately. I will be ignoring her and LC. I don't know how I am going to react if she does contact me. I haven't figured whether I am ready for that yet.

I'm kinda friendly with two exes, and know a bunch of other people who are, so here's my advice about how to do it, in general, not BPD specific.

Go LC for a while after you split.

You've decided to end the r/s. Or chosen to accept your ex's decision to end the r/s. Either way you both understand that the decision has been made and it is done. (If your ex is trying to recycle, you may need to go NC instead)

Your head gets this. Your heart hasn't caught up yet. If you spend time with her, your heart will believe that it is going right back to the r/s that is over. You will get sad, or confused, or try to recycle, or have sex again, etc.

This period of LC is to let your heart catch up to your head. It will take time. It will hurt. You will go through all sorts of feelings on the ride... .How much time? Dunno--there isn't a specific schedule, but you will know when you are there.

Your ex has to go through the same process. Her heart operates on its own schedule not yours. One of you may get there ahead of the other. [And as a pwBPD, she may not be able to work through her feelings, and may never get there. Many members here seem to be finding that.]

Anyhow, the time to be friends is when you've both made it through this.

Does that make sense?
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Curiously1
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« Reply #15 on: April 08, 2016, 12:45:29 PM »

I've never tried being friends with an ex as she is my first, unfortunately. I will be ignoring her and LC. I don't know how I am going to react if she does contact me. I haven't figured whether I am ready for that yet.

I'm kinda friendly with two exes, and know a bunch of other people who are, so here's my advice about how to do it, in general, not BPD specific.

Go LC for a while after you split.

You've decided to end the r/s. Or chosen to accept your ex's decision to end the r/s. Either way you both understand that the decision has been made and it is done. (If your ex is trying to recycle, you may need to go NC instead)

Your head gets this. Your heart hasn't caught up yet. If you spend time with her, your heart will believe that it is going right back to the r/s that is over. You will get sad, or confused, or try to recycle, or have sex again, etc.

This period of LC is to let your heart catch up to your head. It will take time. It will hurt. You will go through all sorts of feelings on the ride... .How much time? Dunno--there isn't a specific schedule, but you will know when you are there.

Your ex has to go through the same process. Her heart operates on its own schedule not yours. One of you may get there ahead of the other. [And as a pwBPD, she may not be able to work through her feelings, and may never get there. Many members here seem to be finding that.]

Anyhow, the time to be friends is when you've both made it through this.

Does that make sense?

By LC do you mean just message each other online from time to time?

What kinds of things did you do for LC? Did you meet your ex again in person right away if she wanted to catch up?

What was your experience when you met up again?

Or did you wait a while and stay at a distance and just respond to them if they text or message you on social media?

I don't plan on initiating anything but I may respond to her neutrally and keep my replies short.

Also, what do you mean by a pwBPD never getting there? If, say she doesn't work through her feelings. What do they do then?
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« Reply #16 on: April 08, 2016, 01:12:22 PM »

Low Contact means whatever it takes to keep your heart safe from jumping back into something your head knows isn't a good idea. That depends on you and your history.

With my wife, I had the dumb luck of being in a different state from her when we first split, and we were negotiating when she would return home with me for logistical reasons, not relationship reasons... .she cheated and blew up our marriage, and at that point she was no longer invited back.

I wasn't willing to talk to her voice for a while, and didn't even want to email or text her if I could avoid it, and there was hardly any of that even for a couple weeks. First I started communicating with her about logistical stuff by text/email because it has less emotional charge. Eventually I felt like I could talk to her and not say anything I would regret and we had some phone conversations. A bit later, we met in person, attempting to reconcile, which (after a few months) she gave up on, and I then started over with this.

It has been a year more now, and I'm able to have good conversations with her on the phone. I'm not being as intimate (emotionally) with her as I used to, and may build that up a bit slowly... .or may not get there. Dunno. [NOTE: My wife was on the high functioning side for a pwBPD, and actually healed/cured herself enough in our r/s that our breakup didn't feel like a BPD-style breakup for the most part.]

I kept enough distance to honor my feelings. (And my feelings were all over the map!) That's what I recommend for you.

Also, what do you mean by a pwBPD never getting there? If, say she doesn't work through her feelings. What do they do then?

The bad scenario is she will either paint you white or paint you black.

Black: Hate you and lash out at you if you are in contact, possibly going stalker on you if you try to distance yourself.

White: Love you and try HARD to pull you back into an emotionally intimate relationship like you had with her before. This can be done while saying she wants to be "just friends" or saying she wants to go back to a romantic/sexual relationship with you. I've seen both here on the boards.

Possibly she will bounce between the two of these as well.
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Curiously1
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« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2016, 08:07:23 AM »

Low Contact means whatever it takes to keep your heart safe from jumping back into something your head knows isn't a good idea. That depends on you and your history.

With my wife, I had the dumb luck of being in a different state from her when we first split, and we were negotiating when she would return home with me for logistical reasons, not relationship reasons... .she cheated and blew up our marriage, and at that point she was no longer invited back.

I wasn't willing to talk to her voice for a while, and didn't even want to email or text her if I could avoid it, and there was hardly any of that even for a couple weeks. First I started communicating with her about logistical stuff by text/email because it has less emotional charge. Eventually I felt like I could talk to her and not say anything I would regret and we had some phone conversations. A bit later, we met in person, attempting to reconcile, which (after a few months) she gave up on, and I then started over with this.

It has been a year more now, and I'm able to have good conversations with her on the phone. I'm not being as intimate (emotionally) with her as I used to, and may build that up a bit slowly... .or may not get there. Dunno. [NOTE: My wife was on the high functioning side for a pwBPD, and actually healed/cured herself enough in our r/s that our breakup didn't feel like a BPD-style breakup for the most part.]

I kept enough distance to honor my feelings. (And my feelings were all over the map!) That's what I recommend for you.

Also, what do you mean by a pwBPD never getting there? If, say she doesn't work through her feelings. What do they do then?

The bad scenario is she will either paint you white or paint you black.

Black: Hate you and lash out at you if you are in contact, possibly going stalker on you if you try to distance yourself.

White: Love you and try HARD to pull you back into an emotionally intimate relationship like you had with her before. This can be done while saying she wants to be "just friends" or saying she wants to go back to a romantic/sexual relationship with you. I've seen both here on the boards.

Possibly she will bounce between the two of these as well.

I am sorry to hear what you had been through with your wife and I understand what you mean by high-functioning. Sometimes my ex seems rational and 'normal' and the way she broke up sounded like she put good thought into it and was the right thing to do for both of us. Yet on the other hand I knew it was also an excuse to try out the replacement and see if that's better since she isn't seen as too flawed yet.

A part of me feels like my ex is just using me because her replacement was "too depressing to be around 24/7" as she described and getting off on two girls who are competing for her love/attention and feeling like she is now queen and better than both of us!

I don't want to get caught up in a love triangle and her making up stories that we are both 'crazy' for her, when really I know what I felt wasn't "obsession" and just still love her and wanted her to come to therapy and work on us IF she truly cared for something long-lasting with me.

But yes, reading a lot of stories on this forum and how difficult it is to be with someone with BPD is making me believe she cannot really change and everyone ends up going NC completely at some point because they are just to difficult to be with.

I think staying as her 'friend' is just her feeling a sense of power and control because she is still feeding off the friend's attention as well.

When she broke up with me it was because she thought she wasn't good enough for me and she pushed me away and now it's the complete opposite and I am not worthy of her and she lashes out, telling me all of my shortcomings, and how bad I was to her.

I knew deep down that she had to try and see if the friend was better for her since we had been constantly fighting leading to the break up and I caused all of this to happen in her mind. Although I opened up our relationship and changed my mind and apologised for making her feel unloved and that we can change things she wasn't satisfied for us to be monogamous again. She was getting off the loads of attention from her friend and how could I possibly take that away from her all of a sudden.

I felt 'cheated' too because she found it easier to rid of me with somebody else there to make her feel better and good about herself. I try not to blame the replacement though, despite not liking her personally and knowing that she made it obvious she didn't like me too.

I didn't like being compared to somebody too who clearly had a lot of issues (eating problems, passive-agressiveness, severe depression, old cuts on her arms and thighs) but ex painted me black so of course I had to be seen as the person with the worst qualities and that the other person is more 'healthy'. Crazy for her to think that way. Like everyones impression of the replacement is that she is troubled and you didn't have to speak to her to know that yet somehow my ex convinced herself this person could be right for her and is totally 'normal'.

I felt that it was not fair for her to turn to somebody else and start to become secretive when we could have tried resolving our conflict through a discussion (which I guess is impossible without some kind of her taking offense or feeling bad about reminded about any of her past actions). Instead she chose to continue playing out that fantasy in her head that maybe that other girl could be the one to cure her and that the secret get togethers I am guessing made her feel excitement.

I am glad that it came crashing down sooner than I expected though and she isn't getting off of that anymore once they started dating officially...

I feel betrayed by all of this. And now I am still needed in some way.

I don't know where I sit at the moment with painted white or black but I know it's going to swing back and forth between the two like you said since I meant so much to her.

Last time I contacted she wasn't happy. I know it doesn't make sense because she was posting how much she isn't over me and misses me on her social media but then lashing out at me when I reached out and called me 'mad' and obsessed just like her replacement she is currently frustrated with. She still thinks I am not right for her so maybe this is a good thing she still doesn't want to deal with my 'shortcomings'.

See what she does next... .
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2016, 09:56:36 AM »

First off, no, everybody doesn't go NC and cut all ties. There are many people who have stayed for a long time in these relationships and improved them considerably.

There are a few pwBPD who have truly recovered... .and their partners don't have a reason to post here much longer, so you don't see them much. It is a long road though.

For that matter, I'm a counter-example--while I'm separated and working through a divorce, I'm on pretty good terms with my stbexw. We still have some conflicts to resolve, but we also can work together very well on other things, and have had some friendly hour-long conversations recently. I don't expect to go back to her romantically, but I do hope to be very good, close, intimate friends again someday. I feel like I'm maybe 1/4 of the way there already.


What you can't expect is for her to change who she is or her behavior quickly.

Yes, the drama will continue. Probably the relationship with the friend, although it will be up-and-down and chaotic. You will be painted black or painted white, and bounce back and forth.

That is who she is, and that is who you have to choose to be friends with... .or not.

It sounds to me like you need a more time and space to heal before you are ready to try that.

Right now you sound pretty angry, frustrated, and feel betrayed.

Those feelings are real. You should honor them and allow yourself to deal with them... .and acknowledge that they will get in the way of any sort of "friendship" you pursue with her today.
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hope2727
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« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2016, 02:42:07 PM »

Think very carefully about the qualities you want and need in a friend. Not the qualities in your expwBPD but in all friends. Then consider if he/she meets these qualities and not do not continue the friendship.

For me some of the qualities I want and expect in a friendship are as follows.

- honesty

- empathy

- reciprocity

- trust (both directions)

- responsibility

- ability to compromise

- kindness

- supportiveness

- loyalty

My expoBPD does not exhibit these traits towards me. Therefore I am not interested in his friendship.

Best of luck.

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Curiously1
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« Reply #20 on: April 13, 2016, 06:15:37 AM »

Update

So she initiated, messaged me that I am able to speak to her now if I wished to do so

I replied encouraging her to go to therapy to work on her traumas with or without me when she is ready

to see how she contributed to the dysfunction. Last message I received from her was her telling me about all my not so good qualities so I named all of hers that I thought she needed to work on too.

She hasn't replied but kept me as a contact and know she is online because of that green symbol.

Surprisingly she did not react/ lash out but yes I am just getting a dead silence.

I am not sure if she has still painted me black but yes, not responsive. She probably sees me as persecutor.

I suppose now I will do NC for myself. She cannot see her own problems and there's nothing else I can do to make her see what she doesn't want to deal with or doesnt want to admit to.

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C.Stein
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« Reply #21 on: April 13, 2016, 09:37:55 AM »

Silence could mean she simply doesn't know what to say.  I wouldn't jump to conclusions quite yet.  If she is borderline then exposing her "flaws" will almost certainly trigger her.

What were you hoping to accomplish by listing the things she needs to work on?
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Curiously1
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« Reply #22 on: April 13, 2016, 01:46:18 PM »

Silence could mean she simply doesn't know what to say.  I wouldn't jump to conclusions quite yet.  If she is borderline then exposing her "flaws" will almost certainly trigger her.

What were you hoping to accomplish by listing the things she needs to work on?

It's only been a month since the break up and I know assume still cares about me despite her anger to keep me as a contact.

I was hoping that by telling her to come to couple's therapy with me, she was willing to give us

another shot and to also try and work on her issues too. There were times during our relationship that

she was about to go to therapy and she would bring it up when i was busy with something* like assignments so I couldn't help her find one and she got mad about that and never bothered with it anymore.

It was also when 2 months in when we had a hiccup and I was having second thoughts she told me out of desperation that we could work on our relationship through couple's therapy. I didn't think we needed it at the time, it didn't make sense to me as I only imagined it be for married couples or couples who been together much longer and just took her back anyway. She said so herself but now it's different of course, I can't go on what she past said.

I hoped that some part of her still wants to get better and still wants to get back together.

There's a slim chance of that happening now. She was the one to break up with me remember.

I am suprised she hasn't blocked me or anything. Just dead silence and of course it's making me feel uncomfortable too.

I don't know what to come of it. I don't think there is a way of convincing anyone BPD or not to go to therapy. For sure she read my message since she said I was allowed to talk to her now.

She knows she has a problem but there are times where she believes she's emotionally stable and she 'cured' herself so it's hard to know what's on her mind. She might still think it's all my fault.
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Curiously1
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« Reply #23 on: April 14, 2016, 04:40:10 AM »

UPDATE.

exBPD told me that she doesn't believe I really loved her that much but is happy to be friends since she thinks we are incompatible. She doesn't believe therapy will work and says I should just be the one to get it for myself.

She told me that we can meet up on the 25th when she arrives back from her work interstate for a coffee catch up.

She is still seeing her replacement often... for hanging out... except as a friend she says. Maybe they hook up sometimes, it's none of my business. She said she would never get into a relationship with her and she has been bad-mouthing her, calling her ugly and not her type.

She also told me she still lusts over me but doesn't want to get back because she said it's just going to be a unhealthy dysfunctional relationship between us. She told me that she thanks me for loving me and still tells me I am the one who splits and went psycho. I just can't believe it.

I am going to my psychologist tomorrow to talk about this, I am not BPD and she still thinks that way, saying our realities are way different and cannot be reconciled and she can't cope with what happened when she broke up with me.

So there goes therapy out the window for her...

I also asked her what she thought about my message. About the issues I addressed about her too since she likes to point out my flaws. She told me that she thinks I am much worse. She didn't elaborate. Just told me I am more stubborn than her and that's that.

She proposed I be her wing-girl and that we go clubbing occasionally and help each other out hooking up with others and that it will be good for me too.

That's her great idea... .she said.

I don't know what to think of this but from today till that date I can at least process there is no chance for us getting back the way we used to be.

I'm allowing her to message me still on Skype and she replies right away and always thanks me for chatting to her.

I am so afraid that I doubt my own judgement. That must be my codependent traits?

Has anyone experienced this?

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #24 on: April 15, 2016, 12:39:35 PM »

She proposed I be her wing-girl and that we go clubbing occasionally and help each other out hooking up with others and that it will be good for me too.

Uhm... .really?

Sounds like a way to trigger jealousy, heartbreak, or drama, in at least one of the two of you to me. (As in if either one of you has some sign of success, it is going to hurt the other to watch/help.)
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Curiously1
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« Reply #25 on: April 15, 2016, 07:25:32 PM »

She proposed I be her wing-girl and that we go clubbing occasionally and help each other out hooking up with others and that it will be good for me too.

Uhm... .really?

Sounds like a way to trigger jealousy, heartbreak, or drama, in at least one of the two of you to me. (As in if either one of you has some sign of success, it is going to hurt the other to watch/help.)

I am surprised she didn't think it was weird to ask me that after a month after our break up. Or yeah, she's kidding herself and is simply desperate for a fun night out to meet new people.

I ended up replying sure I can be her wing-girl. I wasn't thinking, and was just focusing on making her feel good. I reflected over it again during my recent psychologist appointment.

I think apart of me then when I said 'sure' was because I still wanted to hook up when she told me she still lusts for me despite our break up. But I know it's a bad idea. It's sad to hear she does not love me and doesn't believe I truly loved her but I did feel validated to hear I'm still attractive to her.

I generally get attention when I am out and assume I'd find someone before her and assume she won't find someone while we are out. But yes you are right, whoever hooks up with who is just inviting jealousy and drama and who needs that. Making her jealous isn't going to improve on our relationship and her finding someone isn't going to make me feel good at all. Making her jealous might backfire too as she has low self-esteem and might get triggered reminding herself why she broke up with me in the first place. (not being good enough for me).

It was insensitive of her to ask me that and I am thinking of going NC now. She already treated me badly for getting rid of me hoping her friend was better and if she finds someone else whos to say she'll treat me like that all over again.

She doesn't need me to find a new date and I don't exactly need her around to have fun when I'm ready to be dating again.

She can keep using her 'friend'. Last time she messaged me she was bad-mouthing her about how ugly and depressing she is all over again and I just don't understand why she hasn't left her friend yet since they didnt work out as a couple. Maybe she is too lonely, maybe she is attached to that person too. But I know, it's none of my business whats going on with them. Maybe theyre still together and shes lying and they are really are together and shes just looking for another replacement like with what she did to me. I jsut don't believe much of what she says anymore. who knows whats on her mind.

Exdoesn't have many friends to go out clubbing with... and is probably why I still have some use to her.

More like a cry for help because she is tolerating the company of a depressing woman who she didnt want in the first place. I can see she doesnt have any empathy for this poor girl, complaining that she cries too often and how she hates that yet still hangs out with her... .

I guess she is just settling for this friend in the mean time.
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