Needs advice on husband quizzing daily

[Changed]

I meant to put in my earlier posts on how to handle his quizzing or as I call it "fishing" for information.  There are certain people he doesn't like me talking to (our former friends, one of which he has known since grade school).  Out of the blue in mid conversation or during supper etc he will say, so have you talked to "John" recently, or what do you think about John's situation?  When I ask what situation he will say didn't he tell you, figured he did?  I will respond by saying I haven't talked to him... .then it will turn into... .I know you've talked to him or he has messaged you at work etc.  Whether I have or haven't talked to him or some others I still get the riot act.  He does the same to them when they speak, so most of them won't contact him anymore, which upsets him further.  I work with one of our former friends and he has really effected my work environment, her husband will come and see her and will just pop his head in my office and say hi or ask how I am doing.  Very innocent, but he still will quiz me.  :)id you talk about me, did you talk about us, did they say anything about me?

Also, I enjoy playing different games on my phone - Word Find, Trivia etc. sometimes with people from work some friends I've had for years.  I know he must still get on my phone because if I have started a new game with anyone female or male, he will ask... .have you seen Jane lately or how is John Doe haven't seen him for a while.

How do I handle this? Any suggestions?  I used to just let it roll off my back, I have asked for him to stop quizzing me it makes me uncomfortable, I've gotten upset and told him to STOP.  But, he says he has the right to know because he is my husband and we are to share everything.  Thanks in advance.

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[waverider]

I meant to put in my earlier posts on how to handle his quizzing or as I call it "fishing" for information.  There are certain people he doesn't like me talking to (our former friends, one of which he has known since grade school).  Out of the blue in mid conversation or during supper etc he will say, so have you talked to "John" recently, or what do you think about John's situation?  When I ask what situation he will say didn't he tell you, figured he did?  I will respond by saying I haven't talked to him... .then it will turn into... .I know you've talked to him or he has messaged you at work etc.  Whether I have or haven't talked to him or some others I still get the riot act.  He does the same to them when they speak, so most of them won't contact him anymore, which upsets him further.  I work with one of our former friends and he has really effected my work environment, her husband will come and see her and will just pop his head in my office and say hi or ask how I am doing.  Very innocent, but he still will quiz me.  :)id you talk about me, did you talk about us, did they say anything about me?

Also, I enjoy playing different games on my phone - Word Find, Trivia etc. sometimes with people from work some friends I've had for years.  I know he must still get on my phone because if I have started a new game with anyone female or male, he will ask... .have you seen Jane lately or how is John Doe haven't seen him for a while.

How do I handle this? Any suggestions?  I used to just let it roll off my back, I have asked for him to stop quizzing me it makes me uncomfortable, I've gotten upset and told him to STOP.  But, he says he has the right to know because he is my husband and we are to share everything.  Thanks in advance.

This will take hard work but it is a case of firm boundaries. 'I will not be constantly quizzed about who i do or dont talk to". Dont respond other than that. Get up and leave the table, room, house whatever it takes. He will escalate this, but if done enough times he will give up. Intermittent reinforcement by sometimes giving in is your enemy.

No amount of negotiating or explaining will work around this. The more you respond the more you will be pushed into weaker and weaker justifications until you start sound like you are covering up. You cannot talk your way out of it.

He may get upset, but that doesn't give him the right to upset you.

As a rule anything that makes you severely uncomfortable needs a boundary. That is what boundaries are for to protect your well being, both physically and emotionally

[Bpdsupporter]

I find that putting my foot down doesn't really work, for me it actually makes things worst. What has been the most helpful for me is using validation and empathy. I know it seems counter intuitive,  but it really works to calm my pwBPD down alot. I wrote a post on my experience with jealous. Im inserting it into this reply. See what I had to learn was that my pwBPD was never really looking for me to defend myself and as weird as it sounds he wasn't really accusing me, even though it seemed like he was. He really was just afraid and needed to express his fears. This can be very confusing for those of us who do not struggle with dysregulated emotions. You cant logically debate or rationalize with someone with BPD you have to deal with them emotionally, because that is what they are really dealing with. And the best way to deal with it is through empathy, active listening and validation. I have experienced so much success since I started making these skills just a natural part of my life. They take practice and patience, cause you may not see results right away.

Also its going to be very challenging to validate and use empathy if your own emotions are dysregulated. Its SO important to take a look at yourself. Dealing with someone with BPD is stressful and your probably at some point you will be dealing with anxiety and depression. For me this existed before I was even in a relationship with my partner. I really began to see that he wasnt the one who was making me miserable, I was not doing everything possible to make sure that my own emotional and mental health was in check. Looking at these areas through prayer, and taking care of myself, and leaving alcohol and weed alone, gave me the clarity and strength to be able to really see my partner for who he is, and be there for him.

Do we still have issues. Oh YEAH! But now I am able to deal with these things without feeling overwhelmed and stressed anxious and depressed. So you really have to take his jealousy and quizzing very seriously, because he is just feeling alot of pain and is probably   devastatingly terrified that you dont love him and will leave him for someone else. No matter how much we try to convince them that we love them so much, it so hard for alot of people with BPD to really think that are lovable and worthy of love. They feel so worthless most of the time, and that just breaks my heart. So empathize with his pain, validate, and listen is the best thing to do. Ok here is my story too. I hope it helps!



So who hasn't dealt with this with you pwBPD?

It can drive you crazy. My pwBPD has been accusing me of affairs for a while. At first I thought it was kinda cute. Like I was flattered that he thought all these guys liked me (I know I got issues ) But it swiftly turned sour and really began to hurt my feelings that he would think I would do such terrible things to him. Of course I would try my hardest to reassure him that I love only him. But he had concocted all this evidence that was "undeniable proof" that I was sleeping around with people right under his nose. (This proof was him planting recording devices in my purse or around my house and listening to them saying he could hear me with someone his paranoia was getting outta hand)

So for months my anxiety was mounting. I was so drained and depressed. And always trying to show him my loyalty, isolated myself from all male friends... Deleted any old male friends numbers and contacts, even got a new number, got off fb... etc. Basically was losing a sense of myself.

So you probably have been and are in this current situation. So what do you do?

What has worked best for me is I had to first start taking care of me. That included really getting my anxiety depression and health together. No more weed alcohol and unhealthy foods... more exercise. And prayer I had to go to God about all this. I also began to inform myself about BPD. Im a research information junky anyway so it kinda became an obsession.  With better mental emotional and spiritual clarity. The light bulb finally went off. I realized that i never had validated his initial feelings ever. In fact I realized that all I ever did was consistently invalidate his experience. I began to see that my pwBPD was soo insecure and struggling so much with feelings of worthlessness. He's really really good looking so it just never occurred to me that he felt inadequate and had really really low self esteem.

I realized one day that despite how insanely abusive controlling and paranoid my pwBPD was acting... .He actually was really really afraid and feeling depressed and unworthy of love. He really thinks that I will just throw him a way and find someone else whose better looking and more desirable and better in bed. And the pain is unbearable. He always would talk about a gnawing feeling in his gut my response  oh that's probably indigestion or your just being paranoid. When I think back about it all I made alot of mistakes and was really insensitive and uncaring. It's hard to admit that cause he was such an a#$hole and cranky and controlling.

So basically I had to learn empathy validation and listening. I sat down one day and let him tell me again all his complaints. It was soo hard to hear because they are about me. But I just listened and then I repeated everything back to him. Then I really began to see how if I had BPD I might have come to those same conclusions. I took his hand and said wow it must really really hurt to think that someone could betray you that way. I'm so sorry I never took the time to listen to you. This has really been torturing you from some time.

He was like YES! You finally get it!

I thanked him for being so brave to share with me his feelings... .that's hard for anyone to do.

So this was the first of many conversations we had. He didn't just initially stop being jealous. And he's still trying to work it out and still comes to me about the same issues. But we talk about it and I just listen empathize and validate.

Your pwBPD needs loads and loads of this. BPD is a debilitating scary mental illness. It's stigmatized and our loved ones suffer so much. It's really challenging to do all this compassion when they get emotional. But learning these skills and taking care of yourself first will help you to get your life back. You are the only one who can change.

It really works!

Peace

[Grey Kitty]

Boundaries are the way to go.

You have a right to have friends and coworkers, and talk with them. You will do so.

it is time to stop discussing them with your husband.

... .validation does have a place, but you don't want to validate the invalid, and all this quizzing behavior is in that category.

Has your husband ever spoken to his fears or concerns or feelings about this? (Rather than just interrogating, attacking, or "accidentally interfering" with this kind of friendship?)

[waverider]

Has your husband ever spoken to his fears or concerns or feelings about this? (Rather than just interrogating, attacking, or "accidentally interfering" with this kind of friendship?)

This is important, if he wants to discuss it, then make the discussion about why he feels the need to know, and how does it make him feel, rather than the nitty gritty of what you may, or may not have done, and for what reasons. This is the validation aspect.

[adaw]

the fishing is a very annoying trade. my BPD even goes further, she would remark didn't this or that one look good today and if i agree she would respond yes i saw how you looked at her.i am in the entertainment industry which means a lot of good looking people hang around me, all colleagues. i had an interview earlier this week and she kept asking me if the lady contacted me again or if i am going to see her again. i avoid any social contact with ladies to protect my self from vicious attack. so she turned and attacked the way i hold a cigarette. she would even ask me if i know whether one of her female friends are at home. after i told her several times i have no contact with any of her friends.

[Notwendy]

But, he says he has the right to know because he is my husband and we are to share everything.  Thanks in advance.

For me, personally, I don't buy into this. I have been on the receiving end of these inquiries and they feel uncomfortable. I think the source is insecurity and fear- that you are going to be happier with someone else.

The idea of boundaries can be expanded to my own boundaries with other people. I keep strong boundaries with other men. I don't discuss personal things about my marriage. I don't have situations where we are alone for long periods. I try to stay business like. With friends, I try to stay on non personal topics- kids' activities ( graduation, college) politics, current events.

If I am not cheating, then I don't buy into these fears/accusations. Nor is it anyone else's business if someone's husband says hello at work. I don't think I have to report/defend every interaction with a male so long as these interactions are nothing wrong. If someone else is making them "something" then that is in their own mind.

We can't control how others think. I think these fears and insecurities are behind the constant questioning, because the answer doesn't stop the fear, so they ask more. I do think we can be compassionate and understanding, while not buying into the idea that we have to prove we are not guilty, if there is nothing wrong in the first place.

[waverider]

i avoid any social contact with ladies to protect my self from vicious attack. so she turned and attacked the way i hold a cigarette. she would even ask me if i know whether one of her female friends are at home. after i told her several times i have no contact with any of her friends.

This is the point. You are compromising your life for no avail. She needs something to hang her anxieties and paranoia on. You can't avoid this only learn how better to live with it. The more you live an avoidance lifestyle, the more you start to hide little things ultimately making you look suss, and validating her paranoia.

In short we end up enabling this paranoia by bending to them

Better she learn that the sky is not going to fall in, and you are not going to abandon her no matter her concerns. Eventually she will get used to this reality.

[Changed]

My husband and I have talked about it more than just a few times over the last couple of years.  Sometimes I believe his answers to be manipulative and blame shifting, other times I believe he is reacting due to his low self esteem and obsessive thinking. I do think he fears me leaving and being happy with someone else even though I've never given him a reason to fear that.

I don't know if you seen my very first post explaining our background, but it's always been an issue. He doesn't think I should do anything if it doesn't include him and that includes time I might spend with my Mom, sister etc.  He says now after I was almost rock bottom emotionally (and yes I have developed anxieties etc over the last few years) that he sees now what he did was wrong all these years.  But, he thought by controlling me it would keep what was "his" safe.  He now wants to make up for hurting me all these years.  Any friend I've had female or male over the years he finds fault in them.  She's a loud mouth or he looks scury, She's nothing but trouble, he looks at you like he wants to have sex with you, could they be any dumber.  I know a physical trainer that had some tips for our son who wanted to lift weights and put on weight for football.  As I was telling our son his suggestions husband said in front of everyone, that's about enough about him.  Then he told me later I was "pushing" my luck.  You get the idea.

I've tried so many avenues, I just don't know how to handle it anymore.

[waverider]

As I was telling our son his suggestions husband said in front of everyone, that's about enough about him.  Then he told me later I was "pushing" my luck.  You get the idea.

What does the escalation look like if you dont heed his demands?

I am guessing the pattern is if you tell him to do something he will decide whether he complies or not, yet if he tells you to do something you comply? If so why is there this imbalance.? He has no more right to tell you how to live your life than you have to tell him.

You will hear on this site of the FOG (Fear, Obligation,Guilt) it is often what prevents us from trying to change an unhealthy dynamic

[Changed]

In answer to your question, he has never laid a hand on me.  He has made reference to things like that when we were first together (If you ever leave me I will make the rest of your life a living hell, I choked my last girlfriend while she slept for cheating on me, can't believe no one has punched you in the face before).  I have asked him before, what am I doing that is "pushing" my luck and what does he mean by that.  Then he usually gets defensive or I get the silent treatment or he will say hurtful things then act like he's just joking.  It really depends on the circumstances.  Years ago if we were in a group setting like supper with friends or playing cards and he didn't like what I was saying or doing he would kick me under the table as a hint he wants me to be quiet.  Or he acts like his holding my hand but he will be squeezing it - things that only I know he's doing.  He doesn't like to call any attention to himself so he will do things in a sneaky quiet manner.

As for him saying he choked his last girlfriend while she slept, one time I told him when he gets a certain look in his eyes it scares me and I am afraid he will hurt me.  I brought up what he said about his ex and he claims he don't remember saying that to me and he never touched her.  So when things were getting really bad about 3 years ago and I was getting concerned about his behavior I contacted his ex gf.  She said he never did that and never touched her in that manner and was surprised he would say that.  She said he was extremely jealous.

[waverider]

  Years ago if we were in a group setting like supper with friends or playing cards and he didn't like what I was saying or doing he would kick me under the table as a hint he wants me to be quiet.  Or he acts like his holding my hand but he will be squeezing it - things that only I know he's doing.  He doesn't like to call any attention to himself so he will do things in a sneaky quiet manner.

This is actually a kind of abuse, otherwise he wouldn't be covering it up. He is trying to control you into being submissive.

[Changed]

True Waverider I realize that now but at the time it made me feel like I was doing something wrong.  He says he loves my outgoing fun caring personality.  But, at the same time I think he hates it.  He's told me he admires me because I can be this way and he can't.  Then on flip side he has tried to break me emotionally to be weak and doubt myself.  28 years of the yo-yo act - I love you, your my everything but... .don't be talking so much, when we go to this wedding reception you need to sit by me and not dance, I don't know how you listen to that kind of music, you are really going to wear that, If you would work out you would look as good as she does, really what does your mom want this time doesn't she realize you are married with 3 kids, you have to work full time and support us, to bad you don't have brown eyes I've always like women with brown hair and brown eyes, I just did that just to see how mad I could make you... .so on and so on.  As long as I am his "puppet" he's happy  :'(

[waverider]

When he runs you down and disrespects you this way how do you react?

Are there any consequences to him for treating you this way. Or is it fear of his escalations that prevent you from addressing it?

I know each incident may seem small and petty, but they add up. When assessing BPD behaviors, or anyone's really,  we have to overlook the nuts and bolts of incidents and look at the overall attitude and behavior. The benchmark is how does this behavior make me feel? This is what matters when determining what needs a boundary and what doesn't. The facts around "incidents' are always debatable, but how it makes you feel isn't.

[Changed]

Each circumstance ofcourse is different.  Sometimes I would speak up and stand up for myself, swallow it and move on, cry and tell him I wouldn't hurt him like he just hurt me and a few times the last few years I have come completely unglued on him. His biggest answers for me is/was... .that I was over reacting and being too sensitive, he never said that etc.  The last few years have been a little different after I discovered he was recording me without my knowledge and that he continued to have his porn issues etc. He knew I was done done at that point. Now he showers me with compliments, listens to my radio station, likes my clothes, helps me around the house.  He still has his moments some small ones and others that end up consuming our entire day.  Then he says he's sorry he knows he is F'd up and it's not me he knows what he needs to do.  But, I have been hearing and seeing the same thing for the last few years.  It's been taking everything I have in me to remain fighting for whatever marriage we may have left.  I can't bring myself to be sexual or passionate with him.

[waverider]

Constantly swinging reactions to us makes it hard for us to maintain a consistent message as we keep trying different responses. This lack of consistency makes it difficult to set any real boundaries as there never seems to be any lasting effect.

Idealization to devaluation is extreme reactive response to how it makes him look or feel. ie to suit his need, and really nothing to do with you. He is not seeing you as an individual rather as an extension, or representation of himself.

[Changed]

I just looked up Idealization and devaluation, it sounds like him to a "T".  Do you believe it's best for me to continue to put my foot down?  It's such a tug and war.

[waverider]

I just looked up Idealization and devaluation, it sounds like him to a "T".  Do you believe it's best for me to continue to put my foot down?  It's such a tug and war.

"putting you fort down" when it comes to pwBPD has to be more strategic than normal. The first point is it needs to about you, and what affects you rather than what you want him to do. ie not an attempt, or perceived attempt, to control. It also has to be consistent and only about important issues, otherwise you never stop squabbling and wont be able to stay on subject.

He will still idealize and devaluate, but you can reduce it's severity and its effect on you. Being reactive simply fuels it and masks it.