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Nester

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 17


« on: April 07, 2016, 06:26:24 PM »

Hi, I'm Nester. I have two girlfriends, A, and C. We're all open about this with each other (in fact, A is married, and has another girlfriend besides). I've been with A for 3 years, and we have a great, steady relationship, with little drama on either end.

C is A's friend, and I started visiting her several months ago, because I liked her and wanted to know her better. She is very sick, with a life-threatening illness. I only met her a few times before this, but I was just drawn to her, and although I knew I would almost certainly end up hurt if she did die, I really wanted to spend time with her while I could.

Our relationship has steadily progressed with phone calls, cuddling, and a set weekly date. About a month ago, we realized we loved each other, and are now boyfriend and girlfriend. She has shared much about her past, and I have met her extended family. I want her to meet my mom, but this must be carefully managed, as my mom has severe social anxiety (she knows A is married, and just barely managed to speak a few words to her after I had surgery last year; I think if I introduce C as my other girlfriend, she will pass out from fear).

C is a high-functioning person with BPD. Her past is horrific: I have been seeing a trauma therapist for 8 years, and have many friends who have been through bad trauma. Still, I had some serious secondary trauma when I learned what C had been through: it was very hard for me, because unlike my friends and relatives, I'm deeply in love with her.

I'm joining this board so that I can hopefully have some support for navigating my new relationship. We have a lot going for us: we are both extremely good communicators, and her emotional swings are almost completely internal (I like to say that I can see the ocean raging in her eyes, even though she acts completely normal). The hard part for me is that I'm terrified of abandonment: this has been my biggest fear for my entire life, to the point that I'm hypervigilant about it, and I can get triggered very easily. I've been having a really hard time with this: my own fear; her attempts to manage intimacy by growing close, then pulling away; and my difficulty blocking the emotions she projects onto me (I let everyone project onto me--it's how my relationships usually work--but with her, I have to detach, because I can't take all of it).

I love C very much, and I want us to be together. I take heart in the fact that people I trust (including my therapist) say that a relationship with someone with BPD is not inherently doomed. Still, I am having a very hard time accepting that I'm going to actually do this: that it's okay to love her, and try to make it work, and that I'm not just a codependent idiot who needs to face facts. Truth is, I don't know if it will work--I want it to, and I think we have a shot--but I won't stay in a relationship that is ultimately destructive. It's like any new relationship: just too soon to tell. But I love her. And I really want to try.

Thanks for listening.

Nester
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anglian365

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 16



« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2016, 03:27:51 PM »

Hi Nester!

Excerpt
Still, I am having a very hard time accepting that I'm going to actually do this: that it's okay to love her, and try to make it work, and that I'm not just a codependent idiot who needs to face facts. Truth is, I don't know if it will work--I want it to, and I think we have a shot--but I won't stay in a relationship that is ultimately destructive

You sound as if you are already pulling yourself in two directions at once (I strongly empathise with this)!  You are working with a therapist, you are not alone and without support, so that's good. And there is the site here. 

As another newbie, I don't have the experience or the wise words and don't understand some of the therapy terms, but I have found looking at the resources offered here really useful, particularly seeing the part we play in this scenario, particularly the victim, persecutor, rescuer triangle (but you may know this already).  I guess ultimately you will have to decide whether you are OK or not with what's happening, and if not, disengage with your therapist's help.

I do hope things work out.
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2016, 01:34:23 PM »

Hi Nester, and welcome!

Your new relationship with C is probably going to be challenging, but you sound ready to deal with it in the best ways possible.

I've been in an open r/s before, and it has its own issues... .and since you've been doing this for at least three years, I'm assuming that you know how to make it work already.

I've also been in an open r/s with a pwBPD before, and my experience has been that pwBPD have a tendency to create drama and blow up relationships, and that is true whether they are traditional monogamous relationships or ones with more people. (The extra communications generally needed as you add more people to relationships does give the possibility of the pwBPD blowing up faster    )

Can we help you with any specific issues in your relationship with "C"? Can you tell us more about the sort of things she is trying to project onto you?
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Nester

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 17


« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2016, 08:00:29 PM »

I mostly just want to share experiences with others, and lay groundwork for when things go really bad, so that I won't be making my first post then.

As for projection: I mentioned that I sometimes feel like I have BPD after I've been with C, and he said that pwBPD can project their emotions onto other people. For example, last week I felt very rejected by her, and I *really* beat myself up for it: something I don't normally do. I have a lot of my own issues, and being afraid of rejection and abandonment are at the top, so sometimes I don't know if that's what I'm dealing with, or if she's projecting her own fears onto me. Does that make sense?
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2016, 09:44:55 PM »

That is a hard one to call. Most of us come here have some pretty significant fear of rejection and abandonment. And a pwBPD is often VERY good at triggering that worse than other people do.

If so, that is more your own baggage or core wounds which are being exposed.
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