It's my wife. What do I do?

[Rocky Raccoon]

I've been on an another Internet forum as I was trying to get other people's views on my marriage.

Generally people are saying that our marriage is highly dysfunctional. The last post is from somebody who says my wife is BPD. I've looked it up and it looks exact (plus her mum walked out on them when my wife was a baby). I've never heard of BPD before now.

Could you please let me know what I should do next? Is it to ask her to take a test? I'm happy to pay for help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Can you give us a background on what's going on? How long have you been married, and also realized something was off?

Turkish

[Cloudy Days]

I would steer clear of you asking her to take a test. If you can get her to some sort of therapy that is helpful but that is very dependent on the person realizing they have a problem. If she doesn't think she has a problem she will most likely not go. With my husband I printed out a list of feelings or actions that a BPD usually relates to and I handed it to my husband and asked him if he felt like this fit him at all and he said yes on all accounts. It was focused on getting him into therapy rather than focusing on a diagnosis. What I showed him was more of a do you suffer from these things, then this therapy could help you type of thing.

Read as much as you can on these boards, things will get clearer as you read more about the disorder. You need to understand them in order to make any sense of it. But you also need to work on yourself and understanding your dynamic in your relationship. Don't get stuck on trying to fix her problems, focus on yourself and what you want out of your life. Self care is something that is needed and essential to people who don't have to deal with a person who suffers from BPD so it is especially important for us.

I wish you luck, I suggest starting with Validation and learning how not to validate so you can get a general understanding of ways to reduce conflict with your wife, then you can start on the other tools. Your in a good place, welcome!

[Grey Kitty]

Please tell us more about your marriage, and if there are things about your wife that sound like BPD, tell us more about that too.

I would second the caution about mentioning BPD to her or suggesting she take a test.

Short version: There are *MANY* stories about how that kind of thing went badly here, and very few stories about how it helped.

I'd recommend you spend some time educating yourself without discussing it with your wife at first.

[Bpdsupporter]

Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you are reaching out.

It gets kind of tricky to go and ask someone to take a psych test. Someone with BPD has to want to seek help for themselves... .in all honesty that goes for anyone. As difficult as it is rescuing or trying to help fix someone without them asking or reaching out first usually doesnt have the best results.

So what do you do?

Well what I think you should do first is focus on your own well being. Alot of the skills you will need to learn if she has BPD or not are great and will improve any relationship. Taking care of your own physical emotional and mental health will be the most beneficial.

My partner and I had some rough crazy times so I know all about dysfunction. But I knew that the only thing I could change about us was changing and taking care of myself first. I was struggling with so much anxiety and depression and anger from our relationship I had to get that together first!

I did that through my Faith in God, getting my health together, and learning skills to improve my emotional and mental health. Getting counseling as well. These things really gave me my life back. And better equipped me to handle the challenges that will undoubtedly arise when you are in a relationship with someone with BPD.

I really like this book "loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning

It will give you a crash course about the illness and has a ton of practical tools on improving your relationship. And in all honesty the tools are helpful to know even if you discover that she might not have BPD.

www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075


Good luck and peace to you... .the fact that your here shows you love your wife very much and really want to have a better marriage. You are already on the right road to improving your relationship!