Lost for words

[wookieman25]

I've fooled myself thinking that things were on the up and now I am lost... .

My back story is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270884.msg12570233#msg12570233)

Since then we've kissed and made up, sex life became awesome and a everything seemed fine and then she sat me down and said

"It's been on the cards for years our sex life isn't right we need a sex break"

OK that comes with the territory ups and downs... .however when I asked a few weeks later what had sparked this she stated

You said I don't have any right to say no, I've been having sex with you when I don't want to my friends say it's rape I'm not sure if you've raped me... .

OK so for some context the conversation she refers to possibly(can't remember if at all) happened the week she admitted to an affair, admitted to protect her affair she had been trying to make me go crazy and she took an OD of lithium... .so wasn't at my best and not sure what  was said which could be taken this way... .anyway more importantly I haven't  acted this way and she agrees to this (I don't initiate sex ever)...

So fast forward 6 months she did another disappearing act and I got angry (school boy I know) and said I deserve better than this... .next conversation was basically you're right I'm unhappy and miss sex and intimacy for whatever reason I can't have sex with you I love you but... .

Let's have break so we can see other people sexually 1/2 days a week and continue our marriage and family on a temporary basis to get things back on track... .this will only be temporary (yeah right)... I said no and if she goes looking I'll leave ... .

This has flared up before so hopefully she will calm down and we will wait for the next storm. However, she refuses to address these sex/intimacy issues she has with me in her head... .so unless something happens I can only see this ending 1 way... .

Not sure if I want advice or just to vent, but I'm hurting and lost.  

Thanks for reading

A very lost dad of 2 boys

(On the positive note the new star wars rogue one film looks amazeballs!)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi wookieman25,

Welcome and hello 

BPD tends to be an emotional rollercoaster. Feelings come into her mind, and then they're out, and those feelings (= facts) may be unresolved grief from well before you. Her conversations reflect her feelings in the moment.

It seems like she is seeking something in the moments she talks to you about sex, maybe it is not necessarily about sex. When she brings up this topic, how do you respond? What is said, how it is said, can make all the difference. We can walk with you through that conversation and point you to some communication skills that can help.

Is she still in mentalization therapy?

[wookieman25]

When we talk I try and validate how she feels and then try and explain that this might actually make things worse offer alternatives or try and prompt her to suggest. Or I just listen... .I'm pretty good at staying calm as I've learnt reacting or showing how I'm hurting makes things worse and I try not to react however much what I hear hurts... .

In terms of the details she has said she is lonely and missing intimacy and due to what's in her head can't imagine us ever being physical or intimate again. But for whatever reason she knows she can't deal with what's in her head and overcome... .

Conversation generally end well and amicably... .

She's on the waiting list for mentalization. Mental health treatments is terrible in UK.

[Grey Kitty]

It really does sound like she's very confused about sex and intimacy and has a lot of issues around it, reading your last couple posts.

I just want to ask about this:

You said I don't have any right to say no, I've been having sex with you when I don't want to my friends say it's rape I'm not sure if you've raped me... .

I just want to confirm that you don't actually believe she has no right to say "no" to sex with you.

I'm also guessing that you didn't say it that way to her, and that she's projecting or something--From the back story she does sound horribly conflicted.

... .anyhow... .Assuming that is the case, how long can you stick things out while trying to work on this with her? I could easily imagine feelings, needs, and desires around sex ending up in a different direction again, even without her getting good treatment and resolution... .although without treatment, instability is likely the rule still.

[wookieman25]

I don't believe that at all and I'm pretty sure I didn't say it and I certainly don't act that way towards her... .

I think I was trying to say I wanted it to be OUR sex life not HER sex life as she had 100% control but I was in such a state when this conversation happened I have no idea... .

On a positive note I'm coming to terms with the hand I've been dealt and the running around to put out fires it's not the centre of my life anymore and I can devote more time to my kids, MY life and even my job... .which I am more positive about... .

In terms of my marriage we will wait and see... .

[wookieman25]

So my wife has said she is ready to try and work through this issue and she has suggested couples counseling...

Is this something that is going to help or make things worse? Any experience or advice would be helpful cheers

[livednlearned]

Hi wookieman25,

That is a positive sign 

You may want to ask over on Improving because folks in long-term committed relationships have often tried marriage counseling and will have experiences to share.

Is that something you might want to do?