I now know what I am dealing with

[Eyesthatsee]

Hi! I have so much to tell. As I am sure this is true with everyone. Just basics then... .I have been married to my husband for almost 17 yrs. Three kids 8,9, and 11. I have been so unhappy inside and thinking I am crazy, that when I discovered that he is most likely BPD (my therapist suggested I read 'Walking on Eggshells' and it was like an autobiography) I could not believe the relief and peace that came over me.  And all the research and more books that I've pored through in these last three months more or less 'confirm' this is what it is. Although my heart goes out to him, I cannot take the anger or lack of emotional support or his lack of identity any more. I simply cannot try any harder. And I now know this is useless anyway.  I have dreamt of divorce since about one year after we were married.  Should have! Would have been easier than now with kids, property, emotional investment, etc. But thats OK. Like I've read, I do realize the 'gift' of this relationship, in learning more about myself than perhaps I wanted too! Now I would love your support, I have very little. I can't see myself staying in this marriage, and I am a bit scared. Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bpdsupporter]

Wow 17 years! Your a trooper. Sounds like you've been through alot and at the end of your rope. I'm glad your reaching out. It's time you got some much needed support. Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be so scary. It's the mental illness that requires you to be empathic with someone who is saying and doing hurtful things to you sometimes. It's not easy at all.

So your at that crossroads that we all come to with our pwBPD. Do we leave or do we stay? You have to choose what makes you happy in the end. And if you just can't do it that's completely understandable .

But reaching out and asking for support is such a great big step on your pathway to healing. Keep sharing and writing your experiences they are so welcome here... and I'm glad you found this forum. I haven't been here long but it's so good to find a community who really cares and understands. I've run across most of the situations I've been in just reading posts. Im glad your here! Peace to you!

[BCardona81]

Kudos to you for sticking around so long. I too am married and have dreamt of divorce so many times. I've even dreamt of running away with the kids! While I understand your relief upon finally finding out your husband has BPD I would love to ask you if you also felt angry and disappointed? I felt as if everything I had ever imagined marriage to be was ripped to shreds before me and I like you feel as if its useless. Sending hugs your way! I dont even know you and just joined myself and yours is the first post I read. I've been married seven years and I again commend you for staying for 17 years, it takes strength, patience and a lot of willpower to do what you do. I hope we both find peace and light at the end of this sometimes light sometimes dark tunnel.

[Eyesthatsee]

Thank you BPDsupporter and BCardona81. I applogize that I am having trouble navigating this site and truely hope you get this response. I have to 'hide' when I write, I know you understand, so I am not able to post often. Bpdsupport, 17 yrs is a long time, but I was also building a business and raising kids too. He thinks he was a big help in building my business with me, but now I can see that there was just as much sabatoge as well, employees quiting after three months, etc.

I thought it would just get better, and he would finally see just how much he could be thankful for. Not a chance. I also really thought I needed to try to make marriage work. Thats what its all about-right? Heres a good one for all that read-  When I told him I was pregnant with our first child about 12 years ago, a moment that I believe would have most married couples embrace with incredible joy, he (really) asked me,"whose is it". And he was serious. I never gave him any indication of an affair, nor would I engage in such a thing.

BCardona81 - I want to run too! I really do! I feel life will be better for my kids in the long run.

It is incredible to be able to talk about this to people that understand. Even my mom thinks you need to 'try harder'. She cant see that my dad is BPD also and has lost touch with the real world as he isolated her and tried to do that with us kids too. I just cant believe I married the same person! They are just enough different, so I was initally fooled. Ugh!

Seriously though, I am at a really tough crossroad. I know I wont grow old with this man and I value my sanity. I am just rambling, I know... .but what a good feeling you guys are here. Yes, many hugs and warm thoughts to you as you travel this road. I've read that the light at the end if this tunnel is a train... .

[waverider]

I've read that the light at the end if this tunnel is a train... .

Awareness leads to empowered choices. From there it becomes easier to step out of the tunnel and avoid the train. Unfortunately BPD relationships erode our perceived choices so we are frozen like a rabbit in the headlights.

We can help you regain your focus and strength to better choose your future, whatever that turns out to be

Waverider

[Eyesthatsee]

Thank you waverider. I have moments of clarity when I know what must be done, intermingled with what the heck am I supposed to do, sprinkled with almost panic about myself being the crazy one because he is being so normal today. I am grateful to you for the reminder of awareness. It seems that I am most 'calm' when I research this condition, and become more aware .I am finding that meditation helps as well. Now I know the power of support. I was always so independent due to what I remember as lack of emotional support growing up and now in my relationship. I remember thinking that 'I don't need people' and was almost proud of it. How needy I feel right now

[waverider]

~Reading the right stuff

~Understanding the right stuff

~Practicing the right stuff

~Subconsciously thinking and enacting the right stuff as part of a personality change

These are all big steps of an evolution and it takes time to work through with many backward steps along the way. Don't guilt yourself for faltering, and you will, we are here to prop you up when you do

You will never perfect it, just as long as tomorrow is better than yesterday the journey is rewarding no matter the outcome.

Waverider

[Eyesthatsee]

Thanks again waverider. The journey is worth it. Smooth seas never make a skillful sailor. This is true in business and now I realize in personal life. I didnt want this journey. I still dont. But I now see that I needed this to fix me as well. There is no way to explain, but best I figure is that I had developed some BPD tendencies in dealing with my realtionships. Prior to my marrriage the men I dated were mostly either narrcissistic or probably BPD, so that is what I attracted and was attracted to. But it is what I knew.

I emotional support so badly, the kind you can only get from your spouse. I wanted this to be a great marriage and I feel I did my darndest to make him happy. But now I fear that even with new knowledge and tools (which I intend to use) he will find new ways to test me to 'bring me down' to where he feels safe.

I have read that now I may be a trigger as well for his BPD flare ups. I can not see all that I do to make this happen and how far do you go to change? For example, I really enjoy going to races. Half marathons are my favorite and I need to travel to run these races. This weekend was a race that I so desperatly wanted to go but backed out because I cant take the backlash that can come weeks, months or even years later.

Running makes me so happy. But it drives him crazy. He once told me it was because I had something that makes me happy and he doesnt. I have to tone down my happiness to almost no expression before and after a race. How much I would love for his support. I still go to some, but I have to bring him and the kids for it to not be a problem. And it just costs too much to do it. But if I go alone, I would be meeting someone and having an affair.

I also need to travel to get credits to keep my license, every year. Same thing. I get really excited to see colleagues amd learn just get away. But then the suspicions arise. He cant remember that I need to maintain my license so I can practice and, like, pay our mortgage. He needs to go with me everywhere.  What I use to think was his support, was only his fear of abandonment. And I need the time alone. I cherish it.

So I realize this will never go away with him, and all I can do is work on myself. He doesnt go to therapy and thinks I am wasting my money with my therapy. Actually it is making him scared, I think. I have only been going for three months, since this is when I realized his condition.

I believe that the real me is waiting to burst out finally. He tells me that I am not the same person he married. Well, I was fooled too. Whether we except this and make the best of it is yet to be seen. I am such a happy person and to have suppressed this for so long is beyond cruel to myself.

I cant stop him complaining about gas prices or the politicians (election years are the worst- esp this one. Omg.) I cant stop his negitivity. He once recently said that he feels sorry for those people who have a positive outlook on the world, they have the wool drawn over their eyes. I cant give him the identity he needs. I dont even think I can be a role model. That didnt work for 17 yrs.

But I can be me and that is what I will do. 

[Cat Familiar]

So many familiar themes in your story:

1. Having a BPD parent

2. Spouse wants to keep you isolated

3. Spouse has done things to sabotage your business

4. Doing something you love (running) is seen as a threat

5. Lack of emotional support from spouse

6. Feeling a need to suppress enthusiasm

I lived with my first BPD husband for about as long as you've been with yours and I could check off all the above items on the list. In addition, there was violence, infidelity, substance abuse and financial irresponsibility. I kept thinking that if I just tried harder, things would get better. Finally I had enough and ended the marriage.

I did therapy for a few years and then I got together with my current husband. After about three years things started going south and I realized that he was another pwBPD! I've been back in therapy and on this site for a year and a half and things are now so much better! Unlike the first husband, his BPD is only a mild impairment, but like you, I was unintentionally setting him off. Now I have learned some of his triggers (and mine too), we get along so much better. I can't really count on him for the emotional support I might receive from a healthy man (whatever endangered species that might be--not sure if I've ever met one). But mostly I can and do count on him. So things can improve greatly the more you learn.

Most likely you were trained to be a codependent caretaker as a child and that's a difficult pattern to get out of. I had to learn to not care so much about my husband's reactions about doing the things I enjoy (horseback riding) and now he's actually somewhat supportive--last week he surprised me with a book on Cowboy Dressage.

Keep posting and reading and things will improve, regardless of whether you stay with him or choose to leave.

[Eyesthatsee]

Cat familiar - thank you for your relpy. I believe my dad to be BPD as I now understand it. However, I am not sure if I was in a caretaker role. I think he saved much of that for my mom. He was very invalidating and seemed to take joy in mocking the kids. I can still hear his stupid fake laughs and see his dismissive hand wave as he didnt think anything we said was important.

No big deal anymore. After I graduated grad school I moved across country to get away and start a new life. My dad was furious and said it was a slap in the face. His idea was for me to live at home and 'donate' to the 'family' funds. Give him my money basically. Just as you wouldnt give alcohol to a drunk, I knew better.

That was 20 yrs ago. Relocated across country to marry the same man. Funny thing is that now I have found the power to forgive and I dont harbor any more resentment to my dad. Now I want to move back to the east coast to get away from my husband! I dont run from situations, it just seems like the distance is what I needed to regain perspective.

My spouse is opposite with money, he is too frugal, and is OK with me paying for most things. He is not physically violent to me, but he will throw and smash things in anger. He drinks 2-3 beers a night, so I cant tell if he is dependant. Although he does say he 'needs' his beer to calm his mind. He even needs it on our vacations. His anger and suspicions are really bad too.

I am not sure yet why I fell into the same trap, but I am determined to fix it. I too think I would be forever doomed to attract a pwBPD. I am making a deal with myself to never get married again, if this ends in divorce. I feel my freedom would be so much better than any relationship could ever be.

So thats that. My heart has turned to stone. My soul which once was a beautiful irridescent bubble is now a flattened charred peice of gum on the hot sidewalk.

Of course, I could always get more cats... .

[waverider]

But if I go alone, I would be meeting someone and having an affair.

After you have been a hundred times and you have not had an affair, and you have not left him, and the sky has not fallen in, and you haven't engaged in conflict about it, and he gets tired using so much energy trying to engage you in drama about it without bearing any fruit, then he may believe it

Yep that is what it takes sometimes.