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« on: April 09, 2016, 06:58:03 PM » |
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I've been taking a lot of gaslighting this week. It got my curiosity up, if not my flashing red lights and sirens going. I kept getting a lot of stories about how crazy I act, and how we need to do something about that. Which was weird, because I'm actually not crazy, and I've had a really successful week. So, I'm questioning "what BPD thing is this"? Either it's because I'm having a really good week, so the weird BPD thing that has to ruin my good week and make me feel inadequate id rearing its ugly head. Or something is going on with her and she's feeling badly or guilty and she's projecting it onto me. Hmmmm. Well, I don't know that it wasn't the former, but I now know that it's the latter.
On the upside, the new job seems to be working out better. We're blessed that she can work. I'll be the first to admit that. Honestly, it's easier for her than making a home and developing an intimate relationship. The downside, now that she's making money, she's impulse buying, and impulse buying and impulse buying. And, after me paying off her credit cards last year and her making a big show of having me hold the credit cards for her - new cards have arrived. And, she's using them on the sly. So, naturally, I'm crazy: gaslighting.
Things were revealed today. I mentioned that I wanted to buy a small ticket item and she came unwound, "because [she] bought one $11 thing and I was mad!" - FOG. I wasn't. I, actually, wasn't mad - sad and bewildered at the thought that she'd spend us into bankruptcy, but not mad. And I, also, felt like I was being baited into an argument. Then the voice of my radical acceptance reared its head. I'm not sure it's supposed to, but it did. I told her the truth, that I believe her spending will never change and I, rarely, think about it anymore. I know how much I earn, how much I spend, and how much I save. And, as long as we're "okay" financially, I don't care. That is, without saying it quite so: If we get into financial trouble because of her spending, it's on her. This resulted in silence watching TV. Okay, kind of an uncomfortable silence. Then I had a hot soak in the tub where I overheard her phone call to a credit card company to make a payment. I really believe not JADEing helped. Giving her some credit, she doesn't need me to justify, argue, defend, or explain any of this to her. She's been in bankruptcy before. She knows how it happens. Let her put on her big girl pants and deal with it. After a couple of hours of my calm and her attempt to start an argument not working, she said she wasn't feeling very well. I wasn't either. I'm still kind of tense and queasy. I guess breaking out of our old, familiar patterns has that effect? There wasn't any raging, crying, running away, begging her to stay (which I've pretty much told myself I'll never do again. I may not open the door for her on her way out, but I'm not sure I'd try to stop her, either.)
Reflecting on the situation, I did get kind of afraid for us when I realized that I'm having a hard time respecting her: disorder or no disorder she has a responsibility not to wreck our lives. My therapist warned me - because he knows me so well - that I should get myself back in counseling if I started to feel that way. He was *my* therapist before he was *our* therapist. He would never want me to stay in a bad situation, but he also would want me to try to get past my own issues (BPDMom) and not chalk up a failed marriage if we could work it out. Weirdly enough, I'm also finding myself in this relationship. It's almost as by learning not to buy in to FOG, or JADE, and learning to set boundaries I'm discovering a self that never got to develop as the child of a BPDMom.
So, today is scary. The familiar was moved aside, and I'm not totally confident of where applying these techniques is taking me, because I've never been there before. But, since I'm on the Improving a relationship board, ... .I guess I hope I get over feeling the lack of respect and that we both get over feeling kind of sick and that this means we're moving forward in a good direction.
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