Introduction

[BCardona81]

I have been married to my spouse for 7 years and have within the past year finally realized he indeed has BPD. Since realizing this I've seen this whole relationship differently. I feel as if this is what it will be like for as long as I remain married to him and if I try to divorce he'll make my life a living hell. W ehave two children one whom he favors the other who he subtly exiles due to his strong natured personality. Both children have witnessed their father's outbursts and I am always left with the job of explaing to them that daddy is sick and trying my best to somehow repair in whatever way possible the damaging affects of witnessing such ugliness. What makes my situation even more difficult is my mother in law also has BPD and nd and my sister also has BPD. It sometimes seems as if I either have to build a fort to protect myself or when I dont they all take turns acting out.

I also find it hard to "validate" the people particularly my spouse when he is the single person who has caused me so much pain at times. I have also found that I am running out of empathy and am honestly still in this relationship because I am not in a place to leave him and he genuinely loves his kids and is a pretty good father aside from the favoring which has had me very distraught lately.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bpdsupporter]

Sounds like your going through so much right now. It can be so exhausting dealing with someone with a mental illness. So it's important to get some self care. It's hard to validate or empathize with anyone when you are hurting so bad. It took me a while to get that. I had so much resentment and pain from my pwBPD after he cheated on me and then relapsed into using drugs again... the last thing I wanted to do was empathize and validate him. I was really hurt!

So I had to focus on me. Self care is super important. Finding what makes you happy, getting therapy, you undoubtedly at some point will struggle with anxiety and maybe depression and anger from all the hysteria and turmoil brought about in our relationships with our BPD. So those internal things have to be healed. Otherwise you won't be able to really empathize with your partner effectively.

One thing you should be really proud of though is that you are reaching out. Just you writing your experiences here is self care. And a tremendous step toward healing. I know it's hard and you been through the most! You are not alone. Glad your here!

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome BCardona81!

You've found a good place for support--we've been through it ourselves and understand.

I'm glad to see you are posting trying to make things better--even if you are feeling stuck, you can still put your efforts into making the best you can out of the family you have.

I also find it hard to "validate" the people particularly my spouse when he is the single person who has caused me so much pain at times. I have also found that I am running out of empathy

Validating people who are angry and harming you is VERY hard. Even people who have a lot of practice at validating and are very good have trouble, and even then, it often doesn't work well.

In addition, sincerely validating somebody when you are feeling hurt or angry almost never works. Especially a pwBPD. They are very sensitive to emotions, and "smell" it.

I find it better to notice how I'm feeling, and try to take space away to care for myself if I can instead. When you are in a better frame of mind yourself, you have a lot more ability to improve your relationship with a difficult person.

 Hang in there, and keep posting your story--it really helps.