Slowly reconciling

[Mummyfixit]

 

Hi all,

Well my uhwBPD and I spent a week away, with our 7yo son. While we had a nice time, he spent a lot of time sleeping, which has always been an issue. I just arrange my own things to do... .and try not to feel resentful and lonely.

Communication is still an issue. As the books say It's All About His Feelings, very double edged sword as its hard to feel amorous towards someone who has little interest in your feelings.

He refuses to come home, he wants to buy a bigger place for us to move into. I know we can't afford a bigger place, but I'm walking along side him as he views houses and I will see a broker with him. I can't help feeling angry and confused. Surely if he loved his son and me it wouldn't matter where we lived? Our son (7) gave him a scathing look and walked off on him when his dad said he was going "home"

Feel like I'm being tested in some bizarre way. Maybe I'm over thinking things?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

You are overthinking some things, especially the "If he really loved us, he would... ."

Whether he loves you or not, his emotions and thinking is a mess of mental illness, and he (apparently) cannot cope with being close to you very long.

The excuse of shopping for a bigger house that you cannot afford as a way to keep him from having to acknowledge that he can't handle being with you full-time is kinda working for him. Try not to take it personally--it really doesn't have much of anything to do with you.

I think all the time he spent sleeping was a similar defensive mechanism for him--he doesn't have the emotional reserves to be around you very much, so he gets tired and sleeps a lot as one way to avoid it.

... .and none of these truths make it any easier for you or your son.   

[Mummyfixit]

Thanks Grey Kitty, what you suggest makes sense, however does raise the question of what future can we have?

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, there is question as to what kind of future you can have with him. There always is... .

The question I'd ask myself is whether I'd done all I could to make things better and give it a chance?

And when I say that, I don't mean how much can I accept being harmed, or how much can I put up with. I mean have I done the best I knew how to make things better... .taking care to protect myself and my children the best I could?

Besides... .whatever happens, you will have joint custody with him for a long time, and have to deal with him for a long time. So learn the best tools you can now--they might prevent a divorce, and if not, they will at least help you cope better both now and after one.

So for example, when it comes to shopping for a bigger house you know you can't afford, what is the best thing you can do about this?

You could tell him he's nuts, you can't afford it... .which would invalidate him and set him off if you said it that way.

You could decide that shopping for houses with him isn't really harming anything, and know that when it came time to think about buying one, the realtor or mortgage broker would take care of that bad news.

Or you could try to tell him the same thing using good communication tools. This one would be a good choice:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth