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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: My exBPDgf is telling her new bf I raped her  (Read 512 times)
JerryRG
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« on: April 11, 2016, 07:43:35 AM »

Is this typical for pwBPD and if she's spreading these kinds of lies to her new bf about me what is she telling our son?

I am confused and hurt and feel like I have lost our son to her lies and manipulation
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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2016, 07:54:54 AM »

Is it typical? Maybe. I can tell you that uBPDbm told my DH that her ex-bf used to hit her. Then she turned around and told her ex that my DH used to hit her.

We got together recently with her ex and his new wife and compared notes.

I also know that when DH first moved out uBPDbm was telling my SD(then 7) all sorts of nasty things... .":)addy doesn't care about you, he loves his new girlfriend more than you". It's awful, I know.    The best thing we did was push through in court and get a set timesharing schedule in place.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
JerryRG
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« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2016, 08:00:42 AM »

Thank you Thunderstruck

I guess my exgf is building her new relationship on lies just like she did with me. She said her ex husband hit her and threw her down a flight of stares once. After while these statements would just go in one ear and out the other.
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Concerns
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« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2016, 10:08:09 AM »

Hi, this sounds pretty typical. Simple things is we are unable to control the behavior of someone else especially a pwBPD. The EXACT same thing happened to me. My wife, soon to be ex, painted her ex-husband as abusive. What it did was attack my empathy stores. What I mean by that is she purposefully tapped my empathy to feel for her. I totally fell for it. She used that to create a picture of herself and present a representation of herself that was completely false. I feel like it was a manipulation and take it as such. But everything comes out in the wash as they say. The truth always comes out. Slowly over the years, I discovered who she really was and how it didn't equate with the person she presented herself to be. Once you learn the truth, know it in your heart and don't deviate from that truth. They need people to validate them. In order for them to resolve their lives to new people they introduce, they create falsehoods to increase the validation and buy-in from the new person.
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Sparkleher

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2016, 10:16:32 AM »



I'm sorry, this has to be so very hurtful.  You must feel the desire to defend yourself, but that is simply wasted energy.  Trust me, I know. The more you distance yourself, the better you will be.  Hearing about your ex's lies about you will only cause you more pain and our suffering is great enough!
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JerryRG
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« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2016, 04:57:49 PM »

Yes this was a huge punch in my gut, I have rescued her (enabled) her so many times I couldn't count and this is the thanks I get.

Several people have told me she's just found a deeper way to push my buttons, same old girl.

Because I cannot think on her level as I think deliberately hurting someone and let alone lie about something so serious that I just get emotional and don't understand. She's a pro at ripping peoples hearts out.

I talked to a lot of good people today and I'm better for it, you people and this site are a God send. This is such a struggle for my son, but if I don't take care of myself he won't have a dad anyway.

Thanks again everyone, I do hope you are all doing well and that your pain will be lifted soon.

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JerryRG
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« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2016, 01:34:31 PM »

Sent this to my exBPDgf mother and brother just so they are aware of the current situation. I didn't consult my sponsor and I'm sure he would deeply disprove but I felt I should defend myself and show them I'm well aware of exgf behaviours and motivations, and her mental issues.


This is JerryRG,

Mother is telling her bf that I raped her and took advantage of her. She's doing the same thing to him she did to me, saying ex husand beat her up, forces sex, pushed her down a flight of stairs.

I will not be around her for this reason, she's building yet another relationship on lies and self pity. I cannot stop her from hurting me or our son or anyone else.

Just wanted you to know she hasn't changed one bit and she will continue to destroy everyone in her path. Borderline Personality with Narcissistic and Socialpathic traits.

If you ever wish to discuss things with me feel free to text me.

As for our son, after last weekend I had him and had to literally drag him kicking and screaming all the way to mother, I recorded his behaviour so you don't have to listen to my word alone.

When I got to mothers he clung to me with all his strength.

Later on mothers bf text me with the rape eligation and telling me everyone is angry with me, I told him mother claims to now 6 rapes by 6 different individuals and he was going to suffer our fate.

He won't listen anymore than I did at first.

He like me and all the others in her path will have to experience before believing.

I am forced back into No Contact until mother gets help, I will not be around someone who behaves so dangerously.

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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2016, 02:51:35 PM »

I know you feel you need to defend your actions, but you don't!

If they think she's crazy and makes stuff up then they don't need you to tell them that.

If they think she's truthful and you're abusive then do you think that YOU could change their minds?

Sparkleher said it above, trying to defend yourself is a waste of breath. She wants to bring you into the drama. She wants to engage you in a tug of war. Let go of the rope! Focus on yourself and your son. Spend your time and energy being a good dad, not defending yourself from obvious lies!
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
JerryRG
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« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2016, 03:09:57 PM »

Thank you Thunderstruck

My sponsor told me the exact same things.

He asked what motivated me to text people and he suggested fear, comfort or pity. Maybe fear? My thinking was if I kept her lies silent and people would start to maybe believe her? I bring everything into the light, her history speaks for itself.

I could write a book about all her abuse and attacks and rapes and chaos and drama. The question should be, who hasn't abused you honey? Everyone in your life to date has seriously harmed you.

As of this week I'm refocused on my recovery and my son's wellbeing. He needs me, I need me, the end.

Thanks again for your support Thunderstruck

Better days lie ahead.
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ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2016, 04:28:19 PM »

I could write a book about all her abuse and attacks and rapes and chaos and drama. The question should be, who hasn't abused you honey? Everyone in your life to date has seriously harmed you.

The primary reason we separated was that she was emotionally blacklisting me and focusing on our son.  Like so many relate here, she was abused by her stepfather, half brother and a female relative (shower).  She fit all the Paranoid PD traits and most of the Borderline PD traits.  Well, as our son became a toddler and then a preschooler, she became more and more paranoid.  Don't go out in the yard or he'll be abducted by lurkers.  Don't talk him to stores or he'll be abused by seeing exhibitionists.  Don't use daycare or else he'll die in their care.  Home school so he doesn't get abused by teachers' aides.   She started claiming everyone was 'probably' an abuser, her word, she wouldn't even conceive of 'possibly'.  Once she had driven away our friends and my family, I was the only target left and so I had to protect myself.

As for our son, after last weekend I had him and had to literally drag him kicking and screaming all the way to mother, I recorded his behaviour so you don't have to listen to my word alone.

When I got to mothers he clung to me with all his strength.

Been there, done that.  We've been doing exchanges since our son was nearly 4 years old.  For the first few years my son would always come running to me and literally jump into my arms.  But going back was the opposite, he would delay and sabotage leaving on time.  The beginning was the most extreme contrast... .

Of course, always phrase it from the children's viewpoint.  Their time with you, rather than your time with them.  They need you, rather than you need them.

In my case, my now-ex and I separated and had mutual TPOs against each other and when they were dismissed a few months later the ordered schedule vanished too.  At that time she had possession of our preschooler and she immediately blocked all father-child contact, even phone calls.  Meanwhile, I prepared and filed for divorce and waited for the initial hearing to set (another) temp order.  In all, it was over 3 months since I had time with my son when I got into court.  The magistrate even confirmed it with her.  So he said, "I'll fix this", ordered the same father-gets-alternate-weekends order we had before and did not offer any make-up time at all for the 3 blocked months.  In fact, ex had the temerity to ask for a week's delay but the so very stern (not!) magistrate said he would only grant her a one day delay.  So my 3 day reunion weekend - after blocking for 3 months - was less reduced to than two days. :'(

My wife blocked all father-son contact, including by phone, for over 3 months.  Three months is a long, long time for a child who was 3 the last time I saw him.  Her doing so prompted me to seek the legal remedy, divorce filing, since police didn't want to get involved without court paperwork.  Then when we finally had the initial hearing for temporary orders the court ordered alternate weekends for me like a normal dad, she protested, 'Not this weekend, I have plans.'  So OUR father-son reunion was delayed over a day out of consideration of HER plans.  (and no make up time either!)

It was definitely the worst time of my life.  Knowing that she had been working parental alienation strategies (Daddy doesn't want you) even before we separated, I could only imagine what she was trying to make him think while she kept us apart.  All wondering was answered when I got his hospital records (easy despite her alleging the worst possible scenarios, took 5 minutes) and therapy records (extremely hard, it was her soapbox, took 13 months).  But it turned out there was no need to worry about our son's love for me.  He came happy to see me like we'd never been apart but when our reunion weekend was over, he fought and screamed and sobbed not to go back, he wanted to stay with Daddy.  That's when I realized he really believed he had come to live with Daddy, I could see his feelings of betrayal and despair in his little face on the way back to mommy... .

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JerryRG
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2016, 07:37:14 PM »

Hello Foreverdad

You and your son have been through a lot, I am sorry to hear about all this, I don't really look forward to watching my son suffer because of people who are suppose to be adult can't get along.

Talked to the person who maintains the building where my ex lives today, he said my ex has complained to her property manager about being raped by 3 guys while living there. I hope my son is safe. I think she's going to break down, I hope she gets the help she needs.
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