The End...Again and Again and Again

[RighteousAnger]

Once again I find myself staring at the end of what is now a year and a half relationship with my BPD gf (33). I know this road. I am familiar with its bumps and turns... .the road blocks she throws up and the eventual U-turn I make back to "crazyville". I have never been treated so poorly in my life by anyone... .even school yard bullies (probably because I'd just get into a physical fight with a school yard bully... .but that cannot be done here), yet their is this irresistible Siren like calling/spell from her that keeps me coming back. Maybe it's a hero complex in myself wanting to save her and instead I now find myself clinging onto the brink of sanity myself as she constantly batters me with insults, lies or as I like to call it truth manipulation (because she has convinced herself what she says is the truth and although I was there and saw things completely different I better believe her and not my own eyes/ears/senses).

So I should backtrack a bit. My gf has never actually been diagnosed with BPD or if she has she hasn't admitted it to me. I know I know... .who am I to diagnose her? Just the guy that has been dating her the past year and a half, realized she has some sort of disorder effecting how she behaves and reacts only a few months into the relationship, started researching at that time (it's what I do... .I research a lot of things), discovered BPD which I had never heard of before, and realized she displays all 9 listed traits on NAMI on a regular basis. We went to relationship counseling 6 months into our relationship and on the second session she stormed out because I told our therapist about an incident where she started cursing at me and saying I ruined the night because I wouldn't drink with her (basically the night didn't go exactly as she had planned it in her head). She said I was a "___ing snitch" and that I couldn't be trusted because I have a fat mouth and tell everyone everything and what I told our therapist was none of her business. She refused to go back to this therapist and insisted "If" we go again it would have to be with a new therapist. However, doing my research I realized I shouldn't let her "shop" around for a therapist that won't challenge her.

I realize that having never posted anything in this time I have a lot to say and I should try to summarize more. Basically somehow I fell in love with the idea of who she could be when we first met. However who she is... .she is 33 and never held a job for more than a year, she currently works about 6-8 hours a week on her own schedule, lives at home with her mom (the prime enabler... .seriously her mom still treats her like the age she behaves like... .gives her money, pays for all her bills, bought her car, and when I told her about a suicide attempt by her daughter and to watch over her as she went home after it... .she told me to lose her number and never contact her again), she gets trashed drunk 2-3 times a week... .like falling down drunk (her latest episode, her friends found her passed out face down in an ally at 2:30 a.m. around the corner from the bar they were at), she drives drunk all the time, paints everyone and everything in black or white, has extreme mood swings with uncontrollable rage where she has threatened harming me and even killing me, has attacked me, has cheated on me to "get even" with me (typically for something as small as me going out with some coworkers for a happy hour drink after work), plays psychological games with me all the time (she knows all my buttons, how and when to push them, what order and combination to push them to get the desired result from me), is a master at deflection and changing the topic when she is in the spotlight (don't know how many times I've been upset with her and then five minutes into the conversation she is screaming at me for me having wronged her... .?).

I have blocked her phone and email on several occasions only to end up with her pounding on my door in the middle of the night... .where I reluctantly fail and invite the vampire in. Obviously I have issues myself that keep me from cutting the chord. I start therapy soon... .in the mean time I guess I'm just looking for support because I feel like I'm losing my mind and being dragged into this black hole of crazy and as a side note my drinking has gone up to unhealthy levels this past year and a half (I never drink to ___ faced like  her, but I get buzzed way too much as a coping mechanism... .plus she always wants me to drink with her). I have also noticed myself starting to pick up some of her behavioral patterns (mostly when we argue and even when we have another micro breakup) and I don't like it. Hell, is it possible for me to get BPD after dating my BPD gf for long enough?

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[Tomacini]

Yes, it's called proximal exposure or something like that. You won't get BPD but you will start to expose certain traits.

As for the rest of your story, It's very hard indeed, especially when you love this person. But this actually has nothing to do with love but probably with your own issues. For which you are starting therapy. You have to ask yourself: why do i keep clinging to this person (at least that's what i'm asking myself now after we broke up)

[Grey Kitty]

Hello, and welcome!

In answer to your question... .no, people don't get BPD from dating a pwBPD, or at least I haven't heard of it happening.

It is common to pick up a few BPD traits along the way, however. We sometimes call those "fleas" from the expression "If you sleep with the dogs, your going to get fleas."

I know I picked up a few myself when I was in a relationship during tough days of it. There is some good news about this, however--for somebody like you or I who picks up one of those "bad habits", it is much MUCH easier to notice it and break it for you than it would be for a pwBPD to change.

My personal experience was that I noticed it, (mentally) looked at myself in shock, and horrified promised myself never to do it again. And I relapsed one or two times and that was it. I didn't need or want to do it anymore.

Anyhow, you've done a good job of describing BPD 'crazyville'. What can we help you with? I'd recommend addressing something in the category I'd call verbal/emotional abuse from her first, stuff you described this way:

I now find myself clinging onto the brink of sanity myself as she constantly batters me with insults, lies or as I like to call it truth manipulation (because she has convinced herself what she says is the truth and although I was there and saw things completely different I better believe her and not my own eyes/ears/senses).

What have you tried to do to deal with this, and how did it go? (I'm guessing not well!)

[Nester]

When I imagine someone I deeply love pounding on my door, saying that they love me and would do anything to get me back, I'm not sure it would matter how bad things can be. Just having someone *want* you that much is very powerful (I got engaged to a women I didn't love, just because she really, really wanted me). When you add your own feelings, and your history, and the fact that there are good times... .yeah, I can see why you go back.

I think that whatever you decide to do, therapy will help you get there.

I don't think you can "get" BPD from someone else: it sounds to me like your reactions are from the constant stress and trauma that you are living with.

[Zinnia21]

My drinking has gone way up to in response to dealing with my undiagnosed BPD ex boyfriend. It's nearly 3 years since we met and I've just been living through meltdown breakup number 3. He's actually a soft hearted wonderful and yes, somehow alluring person underneath it all. It's really hard to get away. Like you I did much research and there's no doubt for be about it being BPD. I have only just pieced it together more recently though. After a couple of very rough months after him turning cold on me and breaking up with me again, we (somehow got to communicating again. He's managed this time to only have one nasty rant at me in this period via texting. After that rant I said quite bluntly that there's a good chance he has BPD. It took courage to say it but he knew his rant was wrong and felt bad and did the online self test for BPD and admitted he scored as 'very likely' to have BPD. We are now talking warmly to each other via messages, but both know the relationship is unmanageable as it is. I'm not meaning to deviate from your story, I just meant to highlight that nearly 3 years in, I've realised there's no way forward without at least a diagnosis, which I wasn't able to convince him to go and get while we were still together. And during this breakup I've truly thought it must be the end, it probably is... .hard to say as things can change. But he recently fell into such a depressive broken state he sees in some way he needs help. He's going soon to the dr to get referred to a psychiatrist for assessment. I'm such an optimist with a lot of patience and love for him, but even with all that I think there's not much hope without acknowledgment on both sides of the actual BPD condition and a plan to work to with it. If that comes about I may consider going back, but definitely not without! Ever.

I was the one who sent him the link to the BPD self test. I was the one who has booked him in to the dr. He didn't chase those things, just thought I would fast track him towards that despite the fact we are separated now. I was surprised he did the test on himself. Try it! You never know:)

[RighteousAnger]

Thank you for the responses. I've found this site to be very helpful. I realized that yeah, I'm not getting BPD, but it is likely due to the constant trauma and stress I have reacted in ways I never thought imaginable for me. My gf with BPD is currently on SSRIs and now also ADD meds prescribed by her psychiatrist. She also goes to a psychologist once a week too (however, she could be lying to me about this which I wouldn't be too surprised to find out), but to be honest I doubt it helps that much if she is going because she is not honest with her therapist (from what I saw during couples counseling when we went, plus she doesn't really trust therapists) and tells them what she thinks will get them to sympathize with her or in the case of her psychiatrist... .get her the drugs she wants/things she needs. I naturally have made t he mistake of telling her she has BPD and she needs help... .her response is text book... ."You're the one with BPD! You need help!". I am currently reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" 2nd edition and it is helping some (even made me laugh at how similar some of the stories in there sound to mine).

We actually recently broke up again about two days ago.  The cause this time is because she was asking why I don't talk and/or hangout with one of my good friends anymore (her setting The Trap). I told her because she is insecure with me even talking the name of his girlfriend let alone me hanging out around her. Just a bit of backstory here... .she thinks his girlfriend is like the most beautiful woman ever and so whenever I'd even speak her name it was because I must have a crush on her.  My friend and his gf are swingers and I could see my gf with BPD (before I knew she had BPD) was attracted to her and that she had bisexual tendencies, so early on in our relationship I told her she should hook up with my friend's gf (huge mistake on my behalf!).  I truly believe her insane insecurity with my friend's gf to be projection on her part as my gf (ex now) is a closeted bisexual (pretty obvious signs) who thinks homosexuality is wrong and a sin. Anyway, back to present... .she told me "They're not to... ." and she stopped herself right there. So, I asked "Were you about to say they are not together anymore?" She went silent and I repeated my question and she finally yelled "Yes they ___ing broke up! You happy now? You going to add her back on FB and try to ___ her?" I actually took this with great stride somehow and said "No, of course not. I actually feel bad that I didn't know because I should have been there for my friend." Her response shows she really didn't hear a word I said as she said "Ohhhh, you better not add her to your FB!" I told her to relax and that "insert his ex gf's name" is probably with a chic. She looked at me with anger flashing in her eyes and told me to never speak her name again. I told her she is being ridiculous and that as long as I am not being disrespectful I towards her I should be able to speak about another person. She told me to eff off and lose her number and got out of my truck (we were in front of her house when this happened). Well after a day of her sending projecting and verbally abusive texts I finally blocked her. I am hoping to achieve NC, but I know she just got hired at a place literally a few blocks from my house... .so we shall see how this goes.

[Cloudy Days]

While you can't catch BPD you can become traumatized by their actions and develop PTSD and other similar disorders. I consider myself having PTSD. All it takes is one loud noise or something similar to one of my husband meltdowns to trigger me, or even being in the car and my husband slamming on his breaks (road rage is a big thing with BPD).

I have been married for 10 years to my husband and he has one person in particular that if I say his name he will start a fight over it. Believe it or not it is his cousin and the person he considered his best friend for a long time. We used to hang out with him all the time and for some reason he started to think there was something between me and his cousin and he cut off all ties and stopped seeing him. Even now, if he does talk to him it gets messy with accusations against me, even though he's the one that reached out to talk to him. I will never understand it and I don't know what started it.

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, that breakup sequence sounds like it fits the rest of the story well enough. 

How are you doing? Breakups are tough, whatever the reason, however they go, and no matter who does it.

I hope you get in touch with your friend... .the guy of that broken up couple... .whatever happens iwth your gf.

[drummerboy5]

I know when my exBPD/npd and i broke up I was acting crazy and saying horrible things like my ex would do. I think she was pushing my buttons so she would have text messages of me fighting with her to show her family I'm the bad guy. I left her but during our fights after our split she would say this is the reason I left. I was like you didn't leave I did... She even sent me an article saying this is why I never took you back. The article was about toxic men. I about popped my pants from laughing so hard

[RighteousAnger]

Man, so what good does it do me if I block her emails, but then check my spam and read them? 5 emails yesterday. All, pretty similar in the message. I'm an ass... .another one about how she is contacting another guy and things are getting hot and thanking me for breaking up with her so she can be with this guy who actually cares for her... .another saying I'm an ass but wishing me luck finding a new girl. Anyway... .I didn't respond and deleted them so they are not even in my trash anymore. Good days and bad days. Hoping to work on myself some more and pick up some of my hobbies I dropped for her (I pretty much dropped all  my hobbies for  her because they made  her insecure).

[Cloudy Days]

Man, so what good does it do me if I block her emails, but then check my spam and read them?

I think it may be a good reminder of why you left... .

Remember, just because she says it and because she feels that way, doesn't mean it is true. You know who you are, and you know that your actions of leaving her are very justified. They don't have to make sense to her, they only have to make sense to you.

It's a great thing to work on your hobbies, connect with old friends she made you stop seeing. It will put into perspective how much you gave up for her.

[RighteousAnger]

Reading her emails does put things in perspective as to why I have left her. That being said... .there is nothing nice in them or if there is it is either preceded or followed up with an insult. Yes, hobbies and friends... .the things everyone needs during a breakup regardless of whether you ex is a pwBPD. So far I've done well with the NC. Hopefully I will keep it up. Thanks for the support.