Co parenting stick to your guns

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex wife is an expert at manuplating and twisting the truth. She knows she can lay a trip on me and does it very well. She has been applying great pressure on me to cut back on my court order access with my son, saying his school is suffering, applying pressure my 9 year old son to come home early. Having to have control. I did not bulge,  s9 was upset as to what to tell his mother when I wouldn't let leave his access weekend early, I said tell the truth. The ex was saying how much s9 was falling behind in school, telling me since it doesn't effect me, I don't care. In the past she could manipulate me like a puppet. I almost changed my access is was feeling pretty guilty, a place where she likes me to be. Report cards came out and his card was excellent. He did slip slightly but nothing like she was saying. She had me thinking he was failing. Parent teacher is tomorrow, I will definitely going, I was never told of it in the past, only told what she wanted me to know. If I let her push me, I would of lost that time and I lost way to much time in my son's life bc I thought if I cooperate so will she but they look at kindness as a weakness. I'm glad I stuck to my guns but be rest assured she is cooking up another set of problems for my access. No contact pays, and beware of the nice BPD.

[bus boy]

My ex wife is an expert at manuplating and twisting the truth. She knows she can lay a trip on me and does it very well. She has been applying great pressure on me to cut back on my court order access with my son, saying his school is suffering, applying pressure my 9 year old son to come home early. Having to have control. I did not bulge,  s9 was upset as to what to tell his mother when I wouldn't let leave his access weekend early, I said tell the truth. The ex was saying how much s9 was falling behind in school, telling me since it doesn't effect me, I don't care. In the past she could manipulate me like a puppet. I almost changed my access is was feeling pretty guilty, a place where she likes me to be. Report cards came out and his card was excellent. He did slip slightly but nothing like she was saying. She had me thinking he was failing. Parent teacher is tomorrow, I will definitely going, I was never told of it in the past, only told what she wanted me to know. If I let her push me, I would of lost that time and I lost way to much time in my son's life bc I thought if I cooperate so will she but they look at kindness as a weakness. I'm glad I stuck to my guns but be rest assured she is cooking up another set of problems for my access. No contact pays, and beware of the nice BPD.

[Thunderstruck]

That sounds like our uBPDbm too. Making up problems to make DH look like the bad guy and her look like parent of the year (DH calls her that sometimes... .poty... .get it? potty?  )

Good for you for not caving in. You and your son should have that time together, it's what is truly best for the both of you. If your son asks about what to tell mom again... .a lot of us make the judge the scapegoat. "It's the judge's fault, he chose this schedule and we have to stick to it so neither of us gets in trouble".

And yes, go straight to the source for information always! BPDmom is only going to tell you her version of the truth but she lives in a distorted reality.

[david]

My ex used to do that when our boys were younger. I stuck to the court order. Eventually she stopped trying as much to disrupt things since it wasn't working for her.

[Panda39]

And yes, go straight to the source for information always!

I second this! Teachers, Doctors, Coaches, Parents of your child's friends, Dentists, Cub Scout Leaders etc... .Always go the source

Good job claiming your legal right to see your child. Always follow your court order.

Panda39

[jp617251]

Yes, this rings true for me also, generally no contact works best and my access is good, better in fact as it suits the ex for me to take our Son while she studies, works, etc.  Been having issues with phone calls of late, which form part of our orders.  I tend to ensure that when its time to call mum, distractions are removed, and he is prompted that we'll talk to Mum soon, and this helps for a decent exchange (given he is still quite young).  For me though, getting a phone call has been hard work, I'm ignored a lot, texts not answered, call is made but TV blaring in background etc.

I gave up on it for a while with the thought to re-attempt when our Son is older, until he said 'I miss you Dad' last week and I thought, maybe I'm doing him a dis-service by not trying.  So I tried again and this time I was told via text and email that he doesn't want to receive a phone call from me.

This was a red flag for me (thinking about subtle PA or similar) here and so I acted, laying it out straight through email about how I felt, all politely but firmly of course.

So, yes, I have to say, never give up, stick to your guns and keep at it for the sake of the kid(s).  Damn hard work at times I know!

[bus boy]

Hi jp617251. I agree, it's very hard when one is working for the best of the child and the other is working selfish deeds. It pains me not to call or text s9 but it has to be that way. He doesn't get my texts and she won't tell s9 when I call. I might get a cold heartless text back from her, very short but skillfully crafted to hurt as much as possible. Keep letting your child how much you love them and that you are always there. Everyone's experience with a BPD is different. My ex BPD is very cold and cruel, ruthless diseased heart. The texts to s9 were, daddy loves you, sleep well, regular things a parent tells the child. Problem in my case is my texts were feeding her, she was getting joy out of my heartfelt texts, as much as I love s9, I had to stop letting her feed off my pain. Again for me, this might not be your situation, any kind of reasonable communication for the best of the child only falls on blind eyes or deaf ears, they view kindness and cooperation as weekness and will crush you at every chance. This is my experience maybe not yours, I'm just sharing. I was treated like a dog for a long time, hoping she would see my goodness and I would hate to see someone pour years of there life into a hopeless situation. If things I say ring a bell it might open someone's eyes and save them lots of pain. I still feel pain but going no contact brought me ahead leaps and bounds.

[ForeverDad]

My son's school is very willing for us to have separate P:T appointments.  Actually, my Ex insisted on it.  Once I got legal custody she hasn't gone so far as I know.  The less contact the better.  Of course when we do meet, it sometimes devolves.

My son has a long weekend field trip meeting at school coming up.  I mentioned I ought to contact her and teen son said No!  While it's my decision, I can understand his perspective and it could cause problems.  I paid for the entire field trip, mother will be working anyway.  Sometimes I forget my impulses to be 'fair' can sabotage me.  There is such a thing as being 'too fair'.

[bus boy]

I had an app with a child social worker yesterday.  She was very supportive of my situation and told me she is not liking what she is hearing and is concerned about several big red flags that she feels I should address. She told me to keep up the way I parent and don't give up any access time, she said your son needs you. Funny how the BPD can do terrible things as a parent and project back to the non BPD parent how bad of a parent they are. I felt good after my appointment,  family and friends tell me I'm a good father but hearing it from the social worker cemented it for me.

[david]

I think that is known as fog (fear,obligation, and guilt). I used to second guess myself too. The more I became emotionally separate from my ex the clearer things became for me. At the same time, I believe, my ex realized I was distancing myself and she increased her chaos. As long as I didn't let it rattle me the better things became for the boys and me. The dynamics change and both parties have to adjust in their own ways. Focus on S9 and things will get better.

[bus boy]

Thank you everyone. I can relate to everything I'm reading. It seems to be unfolding the way I am reading it. I always backed down. My changing is for s9. I use to try and please her, that took all my good energy. Now I save it for s9 and I.

[david]

Teaching yourself on how not to react to what is coming at you works the best. No emotions and stick to the facts.

[ForeverDad]

Gaining emotional distance for self-protection is a process, not an event — as is so much in life.  Sometimes, such as when an innocent parent gets arrested and carted off for the weekend on trumped up allegations, it is an event, a shocking wake-up call.  Too often it can take a long long while for us to get The Message that the Savior is now reversed and cast as the Villain.

It's not about us, it's about the disordered other.  Court doesn't try to change spouses or parents.  We do well to accept that we can't change the other either, otherwise the relationship wouldn't have imploded and we wouldn't be where we are.

It's not about us... .so we would be wrong to take the attacks and guilting personally.  Time to be like ducks and let any potential emotional impact roll right off our backs.

[bus boy]

I am slowly realizing this is a process not an event. I see the progress. I was devastated when my ex started dating another man. I clearly see it was the best thing to happen to me. It gave me the distance I needed to heal. Although we were separated for several years we still did things with s9 and we maintained a sexual relationship. It was mental hell, it was very covert abusive, I poured my heart and soul into proving I was a good husband, she dangled a family in front of me, never intending to get back together me. It was very confusing and I was riddled with resentment and negative feelings. Everything was wrong with me mentally and emotionally. When I started pushing for my own time with s9 and not have her controlling every aspect of my relationship with s9 she discarded me like an old pair of socks and had a man in the blink of an eye. The distance, the no contact have done wonders for me mentally and most important I am finely developing a proper father and son relationship. I see it's not about me, I am not responsible for her actions. Ex BPD is sending rude texts using FOG but getting no reaction or response from me. For me, it's all about s9.