Relentlesd

[bus boy]

Today is my access day, did not hear from my son for a week. I never do between visits. Once again he wants to switch, if I don't I get told by ex that I'm selfish, if s9 asks her for time with me the answer is always no. S9 says he misses me but it's always my time. My friends who have children go home every night to there families and the children are always happy to see dad, can't do enough things with dad but in my case I feel second class in my sons life. I fought so hard, I hate to loose anymore time. I want to say no. She is a piece of the devil and will never make up the lost time. It's in the order but it means nothing to her. She's been pressuring for me to cut back my time and she will get it at any cost. S9 is just a road bump to her. She is an emotional abusive genius, a black hearted demon. I feel he is saying what she wants to hear. I just can't see a 9 year old boy not wanting to spend time with his dad. When I was fighting for proper access he would tell me how much he misses being with me, s9 would say this out of hearing range of his mom. Now he has the time and wants to get out of his visits more and more.

[Turkish]

Your court order is your court order. Talking to her is non starter. Talk to your son. Punt it in the court's direction. Valdate that he wants to spend more time with her (even though you know that it's coming from her), but you can also state something like, "the judge thought it best that you spend equal time with Mommy and Daddy... ." .

[bravhart1]

Putting this kind of pressure on a nine year old ( mom trying to keep her all to herself) is very stressful.

I would insist that your son begin to see a therapist. That way your son has a neutral party to help him navigate and mom will know she isn't controlling things in a vacuum, she's got eyes on her.

[ForeverDad]

The others wrote well.  Counseling is good.  So is the order.  Don't fret over her trying to blame you, divert the 'blame' and pressure off yourself and onto the order, the court, the lawyers.  "Sorry, the order says... .I'm going to follow the order.  If you wish to trade, advise me in advance because (1) any agreed trade or significant change in time needs to be in writing so both know what is to occur when and (2) I will have to get my time first so there failure of a trade will be less likely to occur.

Advice for when you plan vacations:  Try to start vacations on your regularly scheduled parenting time.  Although vacations trump the regular parenting time schedule, you don't want to risk heading to the airport and your children are No-Show.

That's what I did when I planned my first vacation.  I handed her written Notice in advance.  She of course said No but I reminded her it wasn't a Request, it was a Notice.  It was my weekend and left for vacation with our son.  The officer said nothing could be done because it was my regular weekend.  Sure enough, on Monday evening when I was almost to the Rockies, I got a call from the police who had responded to her call on my road.  Not giving up, she went to the sheriff's office and tried to get an Amber Alert on me.  Fortunately the deputy replied, "This doesn't fit the Amber Alert criteria."  (See how he deflected her to the criteria and away from himself?)  Imagine show she would have ruined our vacation if it hadn't started on my time.

[david]

When my boys were younger my ex tried this a few times. I simply told them that it was a court order and that judges don't like it when you don't follow the order. I explained that I was following the order so that mom and me would not get in any trouble with the judge.

[bus boy]

Thank you all, for the good advice. It is a struggle trying to co parent with someone who has a pd. Your experience in this area really helps people like me who didn't get what was going on. In my mind I was a monster and all I had to do was try harder. She did manage to deceive me once again to get her way. She said s9 was going to be at a b day party until late, ex BPD said s9 would like to switch days, I said OK.  Next day I was at parent teacher and the teacher praised his project for the heritage fair the evening before. Ex BPD told me s9 would be at b day party but he was at the fair with his project. I was floored once again as to how low ex BPD can go. She was dead set against my working on the project with s9, did everything to make it difficult for me to get it finished but if I didn't work on s9 project she would say in court ( review in august ) I don't get involved in s9 education. It was my pleasure as a parent to work on his project. Ex BPD would not make up the lost day, flat said not happening, no time will be made up, it's in black and white in the order. I asked if I could get s9 early on Friday for weekend access she said no, I did not see or talk to s9 for 11 days, I got tricked out of Wednesday access, said no to make up on Thursday and refused early access on Friday.  Ex BPD works in the next building to where I work. She lives 30 min away. Her bf took s9 to have lunch with ex BPD, school was cancelled bc of a snow storm. She knew what she was doing in her decietful way. S9 was next door to my work, on access Fridays my work agreed to let me leave at 2:00 in order to get s9 at bus stop at 2:40. When I arrived at her place for s9 he was only just getting home himself. He bf must be a little slow or just like her. He doesn't seem to be able to do the math as to what is going on. Ex BPD sat down to lunch knowing what she did and was able look bf and s9 in the face and have lunch. By the time I left work got to her place, drove back  to town to do my shopping, it was an hour. Her actions are so unnecessary.

[david]

Your ex's behaviors are working for her. My ex used to do things like that too. I changed my behavior and that changed the way things worked. I parallel parent and you may want to look into that. That was one of the things that worked for me.

My ex still doesn't give me information that most parents would think is important for both to know. I accept it and expect it.

I went to the school myself and made sure they included me in everything. Our school emails most information now so we both get the information. When our youngest was in 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade the teachers would post all the kids assignments on the school website. Around 4th grade they started giving the students more responsibility and didn't post it all. They had an assignment book they had to write everything in. Whenever I saw the boys I made sure to look at it.

I only communicate with ex through email. I actually had that put in our court order. If ex tried to change things I would quote the court order exactly as it is written and follow it. It took several times and then she stopped trying to ignore the order.

Also, if ex or I have a valid reason to change a day I make sure that the day is made up in an email. In fact, our court order spells that out and any changes to the custody order must be through email with both parents agreeing in an email. Once the agreement is reached it can only be changed by another email exchange in which both parents agree to that change. I always make sure that my email states it as a one time change. I will state the dates in my email to make sure there is no misunderstanding.

Sometimes the way you present the issue in an email is what is important.

Example, "She said s9 would like to switch days... ." My reply might simply be , "I will pick s9 up at your residence at 3pm and take him to the bparty. I will need the address. I will drop him off at your residence afterwards. " If he is staying overnight with you then simply say you will pick him up at the party afterwards. There is no argument and you are following the court order. More then likely you will get a crazy reply because she was just caught in a lie and she will try to distort it somehow. Having these kinds of things in print is what helps if you wind up in court. I assume every email will be read by a judge at some point.

Also, s9 is not the parent so he should not be the one making decisions on changing the court order. All your ex is doing is shifting blame. My ex was good at that too. Seeing it in an email was easier for me to see then if I was talking to her. My ex is very good at switching in mid sentence and keeping me off balance. That doesn't work in email.

[bus boy]

David, everything you said it spot on.  The judge wants to review in mid august. We did this new order through a family court hearing not a trial. Both parties had to agree to all terms or it had to go to trial. The judge was there to guide not judge or make a ruling, although she strongly suggested on some topics. We hammered out an agreement and at the very last second  ex BPD threw a wrench in the gears and said if she didn't get a certain request she would not agree with anything and the whole thing would come crumbling down. The judge was not a happy judge. I agreed bc I wanted my access to get started again. For the Xmas holidays she applied great pressure on me for part of my boxing day, I waited until I had s9 before I answered, I talked it over with s9 and I gave the time, knowing when I will make such a request it will be denied. I text ex BPD the time I want him back and she was 2hr late on the return. It's sad it's like this, she was warned several times by the judge and she continues her actions. It will only help me in august.

[david]

Document everything starting from the family court hearing.

I filed for more time in 2009 or 2010. My main reason was that our youngest was doing over 90% of his homework when with me even though ex had majority of time during the school year. Ex legally dragged things out for several years. During that entire time she never changed even though my petition stated the reason I was seeking more time ? I had a stack of papers around 6 to 8 inches tall as evidence. It was every single homework he had done during those three years. I made a single sheet of paper with all the facts from the pile. What I learned is that judges must make their decisions based on the evidence. Written evidence holds more weight then verbal testimony. The evidence must introduced as evidence. This procedure, when using paper evidence, takes time. You need three copies of it, one for the judge, one for the other party, and one for your side. The court attaches a number to it when it is introduced. One copy is given to opposing counsel and they have time, along with their client, to look at it and either agree or object. When my ex was handed the pile she simply looked at the top sheet and agreed. She knew I was telling the truth and she would have pissed off the judge if she wanted to go through every single homework for three years. Once she agreed my atty simply used the single sheet as evidence.

Document every time your ex does something that is not following the temp order. Dates, times, incident, etc. Having your communication in email will help. If you weren't doing that before then start now. If what you documented prior follows the same pattern as the email trail then the court will figure you are being truthful.

[bus boy]

I document everything. My story had never changed, hers always changes. My documentation matches up with my texts. Ex BPD submitted lengthy affidavit and I was able to respond to all her points as lies with the backing of my texts. Being the good BPD she is, she was able to back her lies with lies. It really is a no win. She sends his cloths bag with the cloths wrinkled up in a ball, not enough cloths, sometimes dirty. I always send his clothes Back washed and neatly folded in his bag. She sends s9 lunch containers back to me dirty and with the left over food still in the container, sometimes the food is 2 weeks old. She had a dirty streak a mile wide. I will make use of the good advice I get on here but until s9 is of age nothing will ever change. Her mother has a terrible dirty streak, her father has a terrible dirty streak and her sister and niece. It's bread right in her. Funny thing is I know all her people in her extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles and so on and they are finest kind of people.

[david]

You can send your texts to your computer somehow to save them. I am not sure how but I know others on this site have mentioned it.

My ex literally emptied our house back in 2007. I mean literally. The house has 47 electrical cover plates and she screwed them all of and took them. She took the three toilet paper holders. I mean everything so I get the mean streak.

The first time I was to see our boys after she left, had to go to court, I realized I had no clothes for them. I called my atty and she contacted ex's atty. Her atty claimed I was lying. A few hours before pick up time I received a call from my atty's secretary. My ex's atty called and sai that her client confessed and I would get some of their clothes. I got three trash bags full of clothes. I was able to salvage about a bags worth from them. The rest were in such bad shape I had to throw them out.

I went out and purchased a bunch of new clothes for the boys. Over a period of time I discovered that ex was taking the new clothes and putting ill fitting clothes or worn out clothes when I went to pick them up. I decided to send the boys back with the same clothes they came with. Then, I discovered that ex was sending our youngest to school , on my days, without underwear so I had to but more underwear for him. I told him he was not allowed to leave my house or his mom's without underwear.

That is why I parallel parent.

[Turkish]

Not all of these behaviors necessarily are to target the OP (though they are inexcusable, and it might feel like we or the kids are targets). They could be just lack of what we may view as common sense. Or, there could be just a sign of a disordered world-view (such as when I was 11 and 12, and my BPD mother thought it was fine to send me to dumpster dive for tossed produce in the back of a local grocery store).

I get along fairly well with my Ex, she with the kids is another story. Last week, I wondered where D3's preschool lunch box was. She said D3 had left a half eaten banana in it a week ago for a few days and it was all moldy so she threw it out because she didn't want to clean it. Really? The first thing I do when I get the kids back is check their lunch boxes for old food. My Ex also pics them up from school most days, even on mine, so she has about a half an hour with the kids even on my days.

A few months ago, she said that she was going to throw out S6's lunch bag because it was dirty. I ran it through the washing machine and it was fine .

[bus boy]

It's good to see I'm not alone. I thought my situation was unique. Meaning my ex was extra sneaky and rotten but I see i am wrong. She really was a street angel kitchen devil. Relentless abuse on my family. She hated when I would call the school, she would say, anything you need to know, I will tell you, don't be calling the school. I went in with the court order and the principal couldn't do enough to help. I gave ex BPD grandmother a pic of s9 and ex BPD  came unglued. Her grandmother is a very fine lady, ex BPD doesn't talk to her grandmother but that's not my problem, ex BPD doesn't talk to anyone in her family so she figures anyone she doesn't talk to s9 shouldn't talk to, her mother and father are the same way, they don't talk to a single living soul in there family for years, so ex BPD was bread right into craziness, she hates my family, made it very clear s9 would not be involved in my family, and 9 years later she has not let up. She will not stop stop. When s9 was 3 months my family still did not meet him, she wouldn't let me take him out of the house, I told her I was taking him to meet my family and she went over the deep end raging crazy, my sister dropped off 3 bags of baby clothes and ex BPD was so raging crying crazy cursing told me to get the clothes out of the house was kept screaming over and over telling me that I just don't get it, I said I don't get it, it's a beautiful gift of clothes for our son. I took them to the church. Up in the city on time, I stopped s9 from j walking and  she went against me. No matter what I say or do for the good of s9, she will go against me. Any way it's all about growing, being a better person and showing our children unconditional love. 

[ForeverDad]

And the only way to counteract that level of obstruction and control is to have a good court order and good boundaries.  My court, as with many courts, was reluctant to make big changes.  Over 8 years I went from alternate weekend dad in the temp order to equal time Shared Parenting in the final decree to Legal Guardian and finally to majority time during the school year.  Despite the court never having anything bad to say about me and in the last order finally putting in writing that Mother disparaged Father in son's presence, this last best order gives her 22% during the school year and 50% during the summer.  Compare that to my 'standard' father assignment to start, some 22% parenting time.  Despite her looking so bad, she has more time now than I had to start.  Not fair for our child, but no one claims court is fair.  It's a judicial system, not a justice system.  However, having court as an authority to back us up helps make parenting "less unfair".

[ForeverDad]

And the only way to counteract that level of obstruction and control is to have a good court order and good boundaries.  My court, as with many courts, was reluctant to make big changes.  Over 8 years I went from alternate weekend dad in the temp order to equal time Shared Parenting in the final decree to Legal Guardian and finally to majority time during the school year.  Despite the court never having anything bad to say about me and in the last order finally putting in writing that Mother disparaged Father in son's presence, this last best order gives her 22% during the school year and 50% during the summer.  Compare that to my 'standard' father assignment to start, some 22% parenting time.  Despite her looking so bad, she has more time now than I had to start.

Our son was 3 years old when we entered the System, he was nearly 12 when we finally got an order that worked.  Talk about Lost Years... .  Needless expense... .  Not fair for our child, but no one claims court is fair.  It's a judicial system, not a justice system.  However, having court as an authority to back us up helps make parenting "less unfair".