John.p39
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: April 13, 2016, 12:33:32 PM » |
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I'm new to this site, and have tried to get help and support, but this is the first time I've seen others with similar feelings. Reading the threads has helped me feel less alone. For my story, please read on.
I have known my wife for just over two years now. We met online, both in our mid-30's. She lived two hours away at the time. I was a teacher in a big city, and she was a youth pastor in a small town. We were both active, involved in our church, loved to get outside and the connection was formed immediately. I have always been motivated by affirmation and I got a ton from her to start. It felt great, perfect even. I knew it wouldn't last in that honeymoon phase, I was realistic, but I was not ready for what was to come.
A month into dating I was offered a job to teach abroad in Europe (a grand adventure). She wanted to come along and encouraged me in my pursuit. I accepted the job, we were engaged 3 months later, had a 4 month engagement, and moved abroad a month after the wedding.
The adventure turned into a disaster. All my planning, paperwork, shipment, intention, etc, all blew up in my face. My visa didn't allow her to work, so she was at home, bored jobless, and without much purpose. Just a week in, she started to tell me I was neglecting her, ignoring her, abandoning her. I literally spent only the time absolutely necessary at work (school) and didn't engage in any extra curriculars unless she was able to join. I didn't have a social life. I stopped getting exercise bc she wanted to do it with me, but was limited by a hip problem. She's super capable and very active, but limited bc of her undiagnosed pain (another story).
The language of neglect, became that of abuse, manipulation, oppression, etc. She would say I ruined her life, trapped her in a foreign land, locked her in an apartment out in the countryside. She said I stole her away, tricked her family and friends, and was going against our marriage vows. To her, she was a flower and it was my job and duty to protect her and I was failing. I would get frustrated and defend myself. She would complain and nothing was ever enough. She fought for more time, more connection, etc.
We are both well educated, young professionals. I have had consistent and steady employment and family/friend relationships throughout my life. No blow ups, no one cut off, etc. I had a few relationships, but nothing that worked out long term. I was always active in my community, committed, and true to my word. I was dependable, loyal, and a hard working and sacrificial guy. I'm healthy, eat well, exercise, train, adventurous, and love to experience the outdoors, work with my hands, get dirty, etc. Consistency and routine has been helpful in my life. I love having consistent sleep, exercise, time with loved ones, meals, work, etc. I know how to keep myself healthy and I wasn't able to do it. If I made choices to keep myself healthy (physical, emotional, spiritual), she would say I was selfish and push my buttons, judging me and telling me what my actions (perfectly healthy) meant. Such as "if you do this, if you _______, then you don't love me."
Her cries for attention and help, which I always tried to acknowledge and address became more and more scary. Her insistence, persistence, never dropping an issue, beating the dead horse, etc, got bad. Her tantrums were expressed as childlike. Tears, sobbing, slobbering, uncontrollable episodes, panic attacks, talks of hurting herself, talks of leaving, running, hiding, divorce, etc. The panic attacks became more frequent and usually starting when I needed to (or wanted to) leave for work. The depression sit it, and I really thought it was our situation and that she was simply struggling.
I read every book I could about relationships. We went on marriage retreats, tried love and respect, marriage encounter, etc, and it would last for a few days until all the things I tried were thrown back in my face as though I was just doing what I was told, and not what I wanted to do, my actions weren't genuine.
I began to get frustrated and I needed space and time. When I advocated to take care of myself, she fought harder. I tried to set boundaries with the help of my counselor.
Side note: we started seeing a counselor before we were married bc I was really concerned. When we moved abroad I continued to skype with him bc I needed support and guidance. He generally listened very well and validated my feelings. He tried to help me with boundaries, but really we would have great discussions of theory and books we've read on relationships, hurt, pain, bitter roots, etc. He was a spiritual guide and support. My wife would not join and no longer wanted anything to do with him.
Anyway, my attempts to set boundaries, her fighting it, and eventually her blatant attempts to keep me from making a choice that didn't include her (even boundaries to set a time I would leave for work or go to bed) triggered her negative response and the panic attacks, insults, slander, and threats would begin. So I'd push harder and I'd get mad, real mad. My personal liberty was being taken away, I wasn't able to chose, I was at the will of an unhealthy and irrational person. I couldn't keep myself healthy or safe. Our life was catered to her emergencies. She would get sick and when she's sick she cries for help, she doesn't sleep, she's very needy and demanding and not very appreciative. I would wait on her, would care for her, and all I ever heard about was the things I didn't do or how I didn't do them right.
When she's mad upset, not only does she throw insults and threats, but she gets violent. Breaks things I've given her that had sentimental value. Throws my clothes all over, empties closets, throws stuff around me (but only once at me), limits where I can go and what I have access to. Locks me in or out. Tries to kick me out and stay that I'm abusive and because I have yelled or swore that I'm abusive and I have to leave. That she'll call the cops if she has to and "who would they believe anyway."
She has a history of broken relationships. She has plenty of people that care deeply for her and would sacrifice for her, and she enters into those relationships carefully navigating when and how to reach out to them, she has learned not to tap them dry anymore. She has very limited relationships previous to her 30's that have lasted. She's burned lots of bridges at work, with friends, and especially with romantic relationships, but all of which she's been the victim in. Someone is always out to get her. Her past relationships have been abusive in her eyes, physically and emotionally. But then she also says how great they are/were and how much they just didn't know any better, but I'm smart and so I'm manipulative and it's all my fault.
Now that we are back stateside, almost a year now, we have transitioned into therapy with a Psychologist. None of it has helped, the behaviors have actually gotten worse. Her threats to commit suicide and success at harming herself (cuts, choking, hitting, head bashing, etc) have increased, her insistence has gotten worse, her co-dependency has gotten worse. I continue to give in thinking it will help, but it just gets worse until I can't take it anymore and i have to take a break. Needing to take a break pushes her over the edge where she hides keys, wallets, stands in front of the car, follows me out of the house, down the street, into town, and ignores pleas to be left in peace. It scares me because I get provoked to the point of yelling and swearing just to try and get away and have some level of human respect (choice) allowed.
Her anxiety keeps us from going to bed. I have to wake up early, but she won't let me go to bed until she's ready. On the weekends, I would like to get up and quietly clean, work on project, contribute, exercise, etc, but her sensitivity to me getting out of bed (even after an "I love you, I'll be in the kitchen" is through the roof and it's justified because when she pushes it I eventually get upset. So, everything is masked in a marital problem that stems with my anger.
Yes, I get frustrated, I yell, I swear. There is no excuse for the language I use, the tone I throw her way, and the obvious visual frustrations, but the hard part is that while I'm excellent at self-soothing and self-regulation, she becomes insistent that we need to try things different, to figure it out so it doesn't happen again all in the moment. In order to regulate myself, I need space, time, freedom to make choices (even ones that don't make her happy). But her insistence keeps this from happening. It's a vicious cycle that I obviously contribute to. I'm her trigger. But at what point do I need basic human liberty, choice, and respect to disagree, in order to be present and weather the storm?
My Psychologist thinks she may be BPD, but is approaching it from a behavioral anxiety avenue as that's his experience. I don't know how much longer I can wait. It's scary and it's not worth living my life this way.
I need support, because the more I speak with family or friends, the more she gets alienated. I don't want anyone to look poorly upon her. We live in a small town in which she used to be the youth pastor of the biggest church. So, folks really respected her.
I've read over a few threads and I'm willing to give it a shot and see if anyone can help. I just need support and to not feel alone - to talk with someone who knows my pain. I'm tired of being misrepresented, blamed, and no longer dependable and responsible bc I live in a world where we respond to the immediate needs, desires, wants, etc of my wife. Worst part is, she identifies with my situation and often calls me manipulative, abusive, neglectful, untrusting, etc. and me being pretty self aware, am totally confused.
Reading others stories has been helpful!
Thanks!
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