Hi Tturnipp,
On the other hand... .How the hell do I make this relationship work? Do I become firm and come across as cold with strict boundaries and treat him like a toddler in order for him to feel safe? How do I do it? It's in my nature to be compassionate with a soft touch not with a firm one. I'm rubbish at sticking up for myself but from the research I've done it looks like I will have to make all of the changes to accommodate his disorder?
you don't have to make the relationship work. You need to make your life work again! He needs to fix himself. You need to fix yourself. The relationship heals.
He is confused and scared and focusing too much on him can confuse you even more. Ground yourself, take care of yourself and start learning and practicing, practicing and practicing the skills in the LESSONS. It is a process that will take time so simply start where you are comfortable and see where it leads. If you are soft start with validation. Mind you that good validation can be tough as well - there is lot of negativity that needs spelling out - with some compassion but also straight words. Boundaries are required but boundaries for you may be something for tomorrow not today and that is ok too. What matters is that you get started somewhere with doing. Thinking alone hurts. Doing helps and helps thinking later too.
Compassion is useful but unskilled can lead to burnouts. I found this recent article interesting:
www.nautil.us/issue/35/boundaries/how-to-avoid-empathy-burnout.
I particularly liked:
New research suggests a third way. Caregivers need to be empathetic, but empathy is not one thing. Both neuroscience and psychology have uncovered an important distinction between two aspects of empathy: Emotion contagion, which is vicariously sharing another person’s feeling, and empathic concern, which entails forming a goal to alleviate that person’s suffering. Whereas contagion involves blurring the boundary between self and other, concern requires retaining or even strengthening such boundaries. Learning to practice one but not the other could be the best example of how caregivers can simultaneously look out for patients and for themselves.
You find this approach for sustainable emotional support under the label "validation" in the LESSONS and in plenty of discussions around here. Posting on the board can help you processing what was initially very emotional event on a cognitive level. That to a degree separates you from it and enables you to work on boundaries. It also makes you more effective in providing targeted support.
Again
,
a0
