Porn issue, again.

[izzitme]

It has been a while since I posted here.  The last time I posted, I think it was about my significant other and porn.  Our relationship has been a roller coaster and it has largely been due to his pushing/pulling, self centeredness, rigid house rules and constant crisis.  I stay because the highs are incredible and fulfilling.  We actually got engaged a month ago and I thought the push/pull was finally over.  He had told me right from the start of our relationship that he used porn as a means to masturbate for stress relief.  I come from a tumultuous sexual background and I admittedly put too much of my identity, need for nurturance and attention into sex- which I am in therapy for and if someone can recommend a book to help me with this I would appreciate it.  That being said 2 weeks ago he left his email open on my laptop and I saw all the receipts for the porn site he visits.  We had a discussion and he came to the conclusion over several days that he has an issue and admitted for the first time it has its roots in childhood abuse and being humiliated sexually as a man.  He says that he doesn't want to lose me and that he is commited to dealing with the underlying issues, which he knew that he had to deal with but was prolonging.  So much of his non-sexual behavior is now explained to me as well as his sexual.  The thing is that I can take almost any problem, but a sexual one.  Gambling, drinking, drugs- whatever, I can handle, but one sexual in nature is so triggering to me.  I have been more anxious than I have ever been.  I can barely work.  Because od my own trauma, I am extremely self centered sexually, I can't take when my partner even thinks another woman is pretty because it represents imminent loss and rejection.  Do any of you know of a book or article here that can address this.  I have tried all the self esteem books but it doesn't really capture the issue.  I want to stay in the relationship and support him while he works on his issue but I realize that I need to work on my own in tandem.  Thank you in advance, I'm in a tremendous amount of turmoil.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Nester]

I don't know of any books or articles, although I found "The Courage to Heal" to be really helpful when I was dealing with my own sexual abuse history. I was also humiliated sexually as a child and young man, and yes, it does stay with you: in my case, it has taken over a decade for me to be aroused by something other than humiliation. My response to this is to find a mistress and be her sub: my therapist didn't like it at first, but even she came around when she saw the positive change in my life. I'll go so far as to say that it healed a deep wound, because now I really want a simple bf/gf relationship, with dating and romance and phone calls: I never thought that would happen.

I'll also say that I've found my pwBPD (who is my new gf) seems tailor-made to bring out all of my deepest fears about abandonment and rejection: fears that I desperately wish I didn't have to deal with. I don't know why this is, but it makes sense to me that you're dealing with your own issues that you'd rather leave alone. Maybe something about being in a relationship with a pwBPD brings these things out?

[semantics]

I'm a highly sexed woman and healthy in my sexuality, but I have sexual trauma in my history also. Add six years of relationship with BPD porn addict and there's great reason to go do deep therapy and recovery work.

I don't know how to address your guy's porn habit; some users are better balanced than others. Mine seemed to be escalating to offline activities and that I couldn't get a clear answer from or trust him anymore proved really traumatic for me. Everyone has different levels of tolerance: I am sexually curious enough that I was ok with the variations of content or fantasy that he shared with me, but once it seemed to be veering into actual connection with actual living breathing people -- webcam, sexting, chat, phone sex, or even actual hookups, I had no idea -- and even with men, that was shattering. So what I'm saying is, I was ok as long as it was contained to recorded content. Not everyone "goes live", but some do, and that was the real danger to me. That's where my line is drawn and where you know it's now really an addiction, a compulsion, and more important than the living, loving, and *safe* sex at home.

I went into recovery as a partner of a porn/sex addict. Halfway through I realized I probably needed to be in recovery as a sex addict myself. In the end I stayed in as a partner, though, because without the trauma history, my sexuality leans toward fidelity, monogamous, and sacramental.

I'm not saying you or he need a recovery program, or even that he is an addict. I wouldn't go there if you don't have to; if either partner is BPD, the addict stigma is monumentally shaming. I handled it wrong with my BPD partner and only realized two weeks ago how wrong I had been in my whole approach. I did learn a lot from recovery but I almost wish I hadn't bothered. The porn issue was less a problem than our ignorance of how to work with his BPD.

For your own health, keep it simple. Let him know it makes you feel uncomfortable but you don't want him to hide it or lie about it. And just know that it isn't about you; it doesn't reflect on your value or allure in the least. Check in with yourself about whether this habit of his is something you feel you can safely live with. If you feel you can't, be honest with him about that. But also be prepared to leave if he can't put down the habit. Sometimes they really can't. But don't get into wrung out discussions about it; those hurt and unless he's proactive and throws himself into an addiction recovery program, committedly, the drawn-out conversations won't effect much positive change.

That's my anecdotal advice; I hope his use is minimal and manageable. A lot of guys struggle with this and I wish there were not so much shame in it.

For you, though, I know what it is to carry sexual trauma. The very best treatment I've had for this is EMDR with a qualified CSAT. CSATs treat sex addiction and while that isn't necessarily what you are suffering, I've found that type of therapist has really heard it all and will not be shameful or shocked or judgmental about sexual trauma content. They will acknowledge how bad and wrong it was but will not give you the sense that you are isolated or broken or of lesser value or competency for it. My EMDR experience did not involve a lot of talk therapy, just reprocessing, and we successfully reduced or completely eliminated many triggers, even the first and worst. If you can pay for therapy, do EMDR, and do it with a CSAT. If you can't pay for therapy, pick up one or two of the books about it by Shapiro. I know people who have had tremendous healing progress just from reading the books.

There is hope. You have hope. He has hope. If the porn issue seems manageable, set your boundaries kindly and be prepared to leave if the issue is too unsettling for you. You have a right to a life that feels safe. If you think your own history is amplifying your fears, see about EMDR to process those earlier traumas all the way out. It can be done. You're not stuck with the horror or sorrow or shame of what happened a long time ago.

If he is struggling with early shame, I'd recommend EMDR for him too. It's not a cure all but it is an amazing protocol that puts so much history finally to rest.

Good luck in all this. I'm hoping for your very best outcome.





.

[izzitme]

Semantics. Thank you for the response.  I have been doing EMDR and he is seeing his therapist about this and will do EMDR.  I'm very conflicted right now about if I want to stay but I'm putting that decision off until I do more EMDR and get stronger and this issue isn't so triggering.  He fully acknowledges how much he has hurt me and says he is committed to dealing with the underlying issues that led him to porn.  I'll give him a chance to also get some therapy under his belt.  Thank you again for your response.

[vortex of confusion]

Hi izzitme!

There is a lot of information out there about having a partner that is a sex addict. There is a book by Barbara Steffens called "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". There is a 12 step group for partners of sex addicts. I don't know if your partner is a sex addict or not. My stbx was into porn when we got married. He chose to look at porn on our wedding night rather than be with me. I excused it. In our early years, I would dismiss his porn use as "he is just being a guy." I tried to speak up and tell him that I wasn't comfortable with it. I tried to encourage him to use it as an aid to spice thing up between us. I offered to watch it with him. I started out not saying anything at all about it.

Also, when looking for information about this, it is helpful to know that there are two different approaches. There is the codependent model which states that a person that is in a relationship with a sex addict (heavy porn user) is a co-addict and an enabler. I found a lot of that information to be very traumatizing. I had no idea that my husband was a heavy porn user when we got married. He hid all of that from me. When I did find out, I had no idea how to deal with it as there are a lot of conflicting messages about it. The conflicting messages ranged from "be more available to him" to "put your foot down". I went through part of a 12 step program for spouses of sex addicts.

The other approach to being the partner in a relationship with a sex addict/heavy porn user is a trauma approach. I worked with a life coach that focused on the trauma model. I found some of that a lot more helpful because it focused on helping me deal with things without trying to tell me that I was somehow enabling or encouraging his porn use. After we started having kids, I put my foot down and said I didn't want that stuff in my house at all. Period. I though he complied. Instead, he was looking at it at work. He got caught and lost his job.

I think it is important to do the research and know what to expect when dealing with somebody that uses porn and masturbation as a means to self soothe.

You might check out the resources and articles available at POSARC: www.posarc.com/

Like you, I spent a lot of time reading and trying to figure things out. My hurt was often times dismissed as, "It's just porn. It's not like I am cheating or chasing other women." I felt his porn use was a huge betrayal because he would choose it over me. Fast forward to a whole lot of years and everything devolved. There was other women, an open relationship between us, and all kinds of other craziness.

[Aida0412]

I'm a highly sexed woman and healthy in my sexuality, but I have sexual trauma in my history also. Add six years of relationship with BPD porn addict and there's great reason to go do deep therapy and recovery work.

I don't know how to address your guy's porn habit; some users are better balanced than others. Mine seemed to be escalating to offline activities and that I couldn't get a clear answer from or trust him anymore proved really traumatic for me. Everyone has different levels of tolerance: I am sexually curious enough that I was ok with the variations of content or fantasy that he shared with me, but once it seemed to be veering into actual connection with actual living breathing people -- webcam, sexting, chat, phone sex, or even actual hookups, I had no idea -- and even with men, that was shattering. So what I'm saying is, I was ok as long as it was contained to recorded content. Not everyone "goes live", but some do, and that was the real danger to me. That's where my line is drawn and where you know it's now really an addiction, a compulsion, and more important than the living, loving, and *safe* sex at home.

I went into recovery as a partner of a porn/sex addict. Halfway through I realized I probably needed to be in recovery as a sex addict myself. In the end I stayed in as a partner, though, because without the trauma history, my sexuality leans toward fidelity, monogamous, and sacramental.

I'm not saying you or he need a recovery program, or even that he is an addict. I wouldn't go there if you don't have to; if either partner is BPD, the addict stigma is monumentally shaming. I handled it wrong with my BPD partner and only realized two weeks ago how wrong I had been in my whole approach. I did learn a lot from recovery but I almost wish I hadn't bothered. The porn issue was less a problem than our ignorance of how to work with his BPD.

For your own health, keep it simple. Let him know it makes you feel uncomfortable but you don't want him to hide it or lie about it. And just know that it isn't about you; it doesn't reflect on your value or allure in the least. Check in with yourself about whether this habit of his is something you feel you can safely live with. If you feel you can't, be honest with him about that. But also be prepared to leave if he can't put down the habit. Sometimes they really can't. But don't get into wrung out discussions about it; those hurt and unless he's proactive and throws himself into an addiction recovery program, committedly, the drawn-out conversations won't effect much positive change.

That's my anecdotal advice; I hope his use is minimal and manageable. A lot of guys struggle with this and I wish there were not so much shame in it.

For you, though, I know what it is to carry sexual trauma. The very best treatment I've had for this is EMDR with a qualified CSAT. CSATs treat sex addiction and while that isn't necessarily what you are suffering, I've found that type of therapist has really heard it all and will not be shameful or shocked or judgmental about sexual trauma content. They will acknowledge how bad and wrong it was but will not give you the sense that you are isolated or broken or of lesser value or competency for it. My EMDR experience did not involve a lot of talk therapy, just reprocessing, and we successfully reduced or completely eliminated many triggers, even the first and worst. If you can pay for therapy, do EMDR, and do it with a CSAT. If you can't pay for therapy, pick up one or two of the books about it by Shapiro. I know people who have had tremendous healing progress just from reading the books.

There is hope. You have hope. He has hope. If the porn issue seems manageable, set your boundaries kindly and be prepared to leave if the issue is too unsettling for you. You have a right to a life that feels safe. If you think your own history is amplifying your fears, see about EMDR to process those earlier traumas all the way out. It can be done. You're not stuck with the horror or sorrow or shame of what happened a long time ago.

If he is struggling with early shame, I'd recommend EMDR for him too. It's not a cure all but it is an amazing protocol that puts so much history finally to rest.

Good luck in all this. I'm hoping for your very best outcome.





.

This reply was very helpful for me in my current situation and I wonder if Semantics would allow me to ask some more questions. I would really appreciate it. Thank you!

[truthbeknown]

one of the books that changed my whole perspective on sex and how it affects the brain is "Cupids poison arrow".  In CPA,  the author, Marnia,  went into how the brain chemistry is affected by the hormone releases of orgasm.  In my own experience and in reading Helen Fisher's work on relationships, some people are more dopamine dominant and some are more serotonin dominant.

The cascade of hormonal fluctuation runs a gamet and where addiction can play a role in this is when there is so much hormone fluctuation due to overworking the pathways that it can affect the brain chemistry.  In my last relationship, I really felt that the bpd symptoms in my ex were triggered by excessive masturbation.  Let me give you an example.  We were in a ldr and the last time she visited me we had sex for 4 nights in a row and then when she returned home, she self indulged for the next 3 nights.  Now, if someone has a high sex drive that is one thing but she was using it as an aid to go to sleep.  The problem in our case/ her case is that her hormones crashed (in CPA book they talk about this) and she was not the loving woman that she normally was.  In fact every fight we had was during one of these fapping frenzies that she had.   In CPA, Marnia states that many of her breakups were due to hormone crashing in relationships.   I bought my ex the book and when she was balanced she told me that she loved me for thinking of us and sharing this.  However, I also believe that she was doing porn in between seeing me and Marnia's husband does education about porn addiction and talks about how it changes the brain and rewires it - not for love but for objectification.  When we start to look at partners or people as just sex candy that can be a problem but porn and excessive masturbation makes our partner unattractive due to the self shame involved in the activity.  Of course its' all subconscious but in my experience I have had 2 partners where the theory of what Marnia says in her book rang true for my relationships. 

On a side note, another book, by famed sex therapist David Scharch is called "Passionate Marriage" talks about the different roles sex plays in relationships.   He doesn't address the porn addiction so much but still an interesting read.

The bottom line is that I think I would still be in a relationship with my ex if she had not been addicted to fapping and porn.   Recently, a woman on a relationship group site said, "are there no men left that don't watch porn?"   I raised my hand and said that because of reading  CPA and learning what I did there it healed a lot of my trauma related to sex and then also being in a relationship where someone was in denial about how porn and excessive fapping could change their brain and ruin a relationship I pretty much look at it the same way I would look at spoiled food.   You can eat it but it will make you sick.  That's my metaphor anyway and it works for me even though I realize others will have a different perspective.