Why is it always me hurt and sacrificing? I'm really suffering, please help

[izzitme]

I posted yesterday a topic called Porn Issue, again but it didn't get much response.  I really need help because I am suffering and in turmoil and I have a job that demands my constant attention.  For 5 years it has been me hurt by his push/pull, self- centerdness and constant crisis.  Now he confesses a 20 year porn addiction with roots in childhood trauma and I have to go along for the ride with that.  I have childhood trauma sexually, so this is killing me.  I'm glad that he wants help and recognizes how this problem hurts me deeply but I'm so angry that he is causing problems yet again, especially with my deepest trigger.  I had asked in previous post if anyone knew of a book for myself that can help me with my trigger when a partner views another woman sexually.  I feel like I am abandoned, inadequate and not good enough.  This only happens in a sexual context.  I am suffering and need immediate help to function.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

I'm so sorry you are suffering so izzitme 

Can you talk to a therapist about your past abuse and how you are being triggered by his porn addiction?  We don't have the power to change the behavior of another and we do have the power to help ourselves and find ways to cope with what causes us pain.

Have you looked at the Survivors Guide from childhood abuse?  Maybe it can help you determine a starting point for your healing.



lbjnltx

[Bpdsupporter]

I'm so sorry your hurting... .your in so much pain dear one. My heart goes out to you. The issue at hand sounds like it's your own pain. You need some much needed healing. I'm hearing anxiety and depression and fear. Your well-being is in crisis mode right now and so you need to get some healing. Is there anyway you can take some time off for yourself? It's time that you seek some counseling and therapy about your hurt and pain.

I can't really recommend a book on this specific subject but I can recommend and suggest ways for you to feel better.

First of all just the fact that you are here reaching out is healing. I'm so proud of you that your not just trying to suffer in silence.

I take vitimin B8(Inositol) and St John's wort both of these you can get at any health food store

Check with your doctor but they really help me with anxiety and depression.

Cutting out caffeine tabacco alcohol pot is so important too if you do use them. If you don't... That's great!

If you can't take off. Take some time to do something special for you. Spa day or a nice walk... biking.

See you have to do some self care right now it's an emergency. And make an appointment to see a therapist. You can't fix his problems you can only fix your own

Also my Faith really has helped me. I pray! And it works amazingly in my life.

Please take care of you. You deserve to be happy. Focus on your well-being first. It's an emergency!

[izzitme]

Thank you so much for your responses.  I saw my therapist tonight and have another appointment Tuesday.  She is going to look into some book recommendations for me.  I'm tired of always hurting in this relationship.  He will never stop the chaos and it makes me very sad.  I'm just not sure what to do next.  Work and my home life being a single mom of 4 children are both overwhelming and I feel smothered and trapped everywhere that I turn.  I want to know what it is like to be happy again.

[Bpdsupporter]

Wow thats alot of stress... my heart goes out to you. I prayed too for your situation.I know how you feel. My relationship with my pwBPD took a serious stressful toll on me too at one time. So I understand. I'm so glad your reaching out. You are not alone.

[Grey Kitty]

I saw your last post about the porn issue. I struggled about what to post there, failing to come up with something that seemed right yesterday. Here is how I see it.

He has decades of history and childhood sexual trauma that drive him toward porn.

You have childhood sexual trauma that makes this incredibly triggering and hurtful for you.

Either of you could work on healing this, and become less triggering/challenging for the other one of you. I'm relieved to hear you are in therapy. I hope he is too.

Everything I know about this kind of healing is that it is a slow and difficult process.

   I wish I could suggest anything that would make this issue go away quickly.

izzitme, are there any other issues or conflicts that we might help with? I know that there are other issues that can be resolved much more quickly.

Taking good care of yourself today will help. You need more energy and more reserves to deal with this.

[momtara]

Sorry that you haven't gotten more responses, because this does seem like a very common issue on this site. It wasn't my issue, but I hope you get more responses. Just know you are not alone. BPD partners do have at least one addiction quite often, and often porn is a big one.

[Shadow Darkheart]

Hi, I'm brand new here (very first post actually)… I really don't know if I can say anything helpful to you because I'm lost in a very similar mess. But I relate, and I've been feeling so isolated for so long because of this. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I have also been dealing with someone in constant crisis for 5 years. And I'm also a survivor of sexual trauma growing up. And adulthood.  This is also my greatest trigger, and I also feel angry and have been deeply hurt by my husband over this. Until I read your post I honestly felt like I was the only person who had dealt with something like this. 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry it's so hard. I know how hard it is… especially when it was someone who is or once was trusted completely.

Our situations aren't exactly the same but I'm going through a lot of similar issues.

[lbjnltx]

I located this national resource (USA) for victims of sexual abuse.  I hope that it will be a source of information, comfort and support for you:

RAINN 800-656-HOPE

rainn.org

Free, confidential 24/7 Support from  the National Sexual Assault Hotline

[izzitme]

Thank you for the link to the sexual survivor's site.  I will sit down and read through and maybe even call and talk to someone.  Thank you for your response of support shadow darkheart.  I too felt like I was the only one so hearing from you brings comfort.  He told me last night that in the 3 weeks that I found out about the extent of his porn issue he hasn't felt loved by me.  He asked me if I love him and want to be with him.  I told him yes and that I'm in deep emotional pain and hurting.  I'm feeling really guilty.  I haven't been mean, I'm not that type of person, but I've been quiet or going to bed at 7:30 at night and not available to answer his calls.  I'll try to do a better job of being present or at the very least just be honest and say I'm hurting.  Getting myself the help that I need is of utmost importance.  I want to love him, I'm very committed to the relationship, it's just going to take me time because I've been triggered so deeply and re traumatized.  His comments make me feel so guilty, blah.  I feel double hurt now and questioning myself.

[Grey Kitty]

  I think you've just done something that is amazingly mature here.

You've acknowledged that your partner triggered your pain, instead of causing your pain.

That's really important.

You've also tried to tell him this. Another big step.

Do you think he's able to hear you, and not take all of it personally?

Taking more quiet time for yourself is probably the best thing you can do both for yourself and your relationship.

Do you feel like you've communicated these things well to him? It has to be hard for him to hear, and that's exactly what the communication tools in our lessons are for. Can we help you communicate your need for space in a kind and clear way?

[Nester]

It sounds like you are both triggered, and so you both really need support, but feel too vulnerable and hurt to give it to each other. I've had this happen with my gfwBPD, and it was a bad time for both of us. You can't think clearly when you're triggered: it's like your on fire, and the only thing you can focus on is trying to put it out, no matter what the cost. It just hurts that bad.

Do you have someone local you can reach out to who can come over and listen (and maybe help with the kids for a bit)? It sounds like you really need support and validation for your feelings: I know that when I'm triggered, I'm not good to help anyone else, because everything is just too raw. Like others have said, anything you can do to take care of yourself will help: I know it's hard, because he is hurting too, and you love him and want to take care of him. But I think it's better for both of you if you take care of yourself right now.