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Things we can't ignore
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Codependency and Codependent Relationships
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waitingwife
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« on: April 14, 2016, 10:46:03 AM »

So you all must have guessed that I am visiting the city I grew up in where my parents(codependent like me) and in-laws(BPD family) live. I have had a very unsettling r/s with my sil(uBPDH's sister). So now that I am trying hard to overcome my codependency, I invited her to dinner outside thinking I'd validate her as much as I can coz in some ways I have judged in her the past due to uBPDH but now I want to make ammends. I have gsined more clarity when I step in the middle of the karpman triangle. She hasn't changed and her mental issues are the same but I truly empathize with her circumstances and some of the wrong choices she has made.

I met her and it kinda backfired. I chose to meet outside at a restaurant so that I can enforce my boundary if need be. She gets violent in her attacks - verbally. At one point we were discussing her mother's issues and what we have done or can do to help, etc. then out of thin air, she started attacking my mom's image and she has tried to do it once. It took me a while to get out of that attack and think rationally. So this time I told her loud & clear that I would like to NoT discuss that and it's my bounday... She insisted and I said it louder that if you continue talking the same thing then I am going to walk out on you and I almost stood up. She backed off a d said communication is a 2 way street and I told her I fully agree and even understand how she has problems with my mom. She has projected thingns on my mom and I didn't want to deal with delusions. So then I told her to tell me if she has any issues that she doesn't want to discuss and I will fully respect that. I thanked her to take the time kt to have dinner with me and said that I respect her hurt and sadness. She has NOBODY in her life to support her coz she has full blown BPD that is not treated nor diagnosed. I had detached from her for the longest time and I feel like today was a mistake or I am not strong enough to take this yet.

My biggest dilemma is shall I share this with my uBPDH? He is away and has for the first time taken on full responsibility of our daughter so that I get this break with my parents & cousins & old friends. He is really trying very hard and yhings have gotten a lot better between us... .So a part of me wants to share this coz I don't believe in hiding things that really happened... .It's just a communication flaw but at the same time I am so scared to trigger him
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waitingwife
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« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2016, 10:46:50 AM »

I can feel that I am not centred right now and need some clarity with processing these experiences and emotions.
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2016, 07:45:50 PM »

While it didn't go as smoothly with her as you probably hoped... .where is the mistake?  You came with an open heart, you stated a boundary, she respected it, you showed her respect by telling her you would respect her boundary about discussing matters she didn't want to talk about.

What would you want to say to your husband about the visit with her?  Do you think it is necessary to talk about it or just mention to him that you had dinner with her?  Avoiding a Karpman triangle drama is advisable.

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waitingwife
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« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2016, 11:08:47 PM »

So here is what happened. I got back home and H called to asl how was the dinner.

H: How was dinner with sis?

Me: Okay

H: what happened? How is she doing?

Me: to be honest with you, the interaction was not great. There was a bit of violence & offensiveness which I got a handle over and I need sometime to process my emotions right now.

H: can we talk?

Me: I would love to however I really need time to process my emotions and I'll talk to you when I feel more centered and maybe face to face

H: Okay, we'll talk about it at another time.

This dialogue was happening on text.

Now he knows I am also working hard on my codependency. I was deeply hurt after meeting her... .She said some soul destroying words and blames. And I knew that keeping H in a suspenseful state was also not fair but I really felt this innate need to share it with him.


After a good nights sleep I texted H again and this is what I wrote:

Me: I'm so glad you are in my life and that we're ironing out our differences better than ever.

Me: Honey, Last night I had sometime to process my thoughts. And I'd like to tell u the reason I wanted to just shut my brain down. You have been working so hard towards a good life after what you have been through and it takes a LOT of commitment to stay true to our goals.

H: Tell me, I'm reading

Me: And you have succeeded and have made this beautiful life for yourself and us... .So I was really questioning myself if you should even hear all that I heard... It was soul breaking words... .So I was trying to insulate you in some way. In the past, I have always almost immidiately shared whatever happened but

H: I understand

Me: This time I wanted to take a step back and look at the whole situation with a different perspective which I did and I caN tell you this - That if you hear the stuff that happened, it will set you back in your path to peace that you're seeking. For me, I'd vent and move on but I didn't want to add the pain into your soul that you're purifying with so much hard work. I can feel your hard work coz I am also working ha d towards somethings in my life ... .So whenever and if you want, I'll share what happened yesterday... .Just know that it's not a positive motivator for our journey.

H: Okay, we can talk about it after you come back. I love you.

Me: I love you too and am really very thankful to have you by my side and in my life.

H: To be very honest i will not feel much becoz i know how much pain she also has. I willforgive her.

SIL is a divorcee and really low-functioning BPD along with other mental illnesses.

Me: Thats good and it reflects on you.

H: Honestly honey... .

Me: Yes , her pain was one part of this entire interaction but yesterday there was a lot more than that

H: you can tell me if you want

H: can we talk?

Me: sure

Me: are you sure that you want to hear it now?

H: No honey, trust me I am fine coz I have seen and heard all this and grown up so its really fine. Calling you now

We talked about what happened and he sounded peaceful and said I hope she gets some peace in her life. I agreed and said that I wished her peace and harmony when I said my goodbyes. I also told him I know how hard it is to let go off the fantasy parents/sister image and forgiving is the only action that will help us move on. I told him

i was in NC with his FOO for sometime only coz I am dealing with our issues and thoughtI'd give it this one last shot but I have come to a conclusion and that is I will be NC with them from now on. He said I totally get it.

So we'll have to see... .This was a true test for both of is... I lost my marbles but I feel like I have found them now... .Will wait and see what happens
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2016, 07:28:07 AM »

Thats sounds like it went well. How do you feel about it all now?

It is important now not to overly rehash and replay this. It has confirmed in your mind that the whole relationship with SIS is toxic and only likely to destabilize you.

I know trying to avoid trash talking my wifes FOO is very hard not to do and just talking about them is toxic to the relationship.
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waitingwife
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« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2016, 08:36:13 AM »

I feel like I had an authentic communication with my H. In his place, I'd have been miserable to live in suspense for 3 days coz I reach back home on Sunday back home from the FOO's country.

It was recieved well and I use to trash talk as soon as we had an argument but I haven't done that in a while. The minute we sstart trash talking, the lain comes into our family. I told my H at the end of our conversation that I am going to be Nc with his FOO for sometime and see how that feels. If that works out good then I'm going to continue with that areangement.

I want to communicate this to my H in a very validating way... .That I want to know when he feels low/depressed from talking/visiting them and would like to help him out or just even be there for him. Like I don't want secrecy but transparency in between us in regards to them. At this point I'm even questioning whether this want of mine is coming from a place of love or insecurity? I think from a place of love coz I'm all in and fully invested in my r/s with my H and our marriage and family life together.

Any perspectives?
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2016, 08:46:18 AM »

I think you need to choose the path that leads to less stress and anxiety for you as that will project onto him.

He will choose his own level of interaction, the less you influence that the better it will be for you both.

The aim is to keep the topic off the table as far as possible as it just makes a difficult dynamic all that much harder, they are not your responsibility or obligation.
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waitingwife
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« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2016, 01:36:45 PM »

Yes that makes sense and I should leave the responsibility where it belongs. Even before I figured out the BPD traits and bod itself, I'd badger my H to tell me whats going on coz I always linked his dysregulation to his FOO. Most of his dysregulations are related to his FOO but sometimes it just comes out of nowhere... .

I had really reached a very decent level in terms of radical acceptance by taking care of myself and using the tools... .But being around my FOO and his delusional FOO has shaken my stable ground. I was going to visit my patents again in the summer with my D5 but I cancelled that trip coz I realized that they're a big trigger for now... .Since I have just discovered about BPD and I am working hard on overcoming the codependency in myself.

It was truly helpful to know and see from a 3rd person perspective that his sharing his FOO issues doesn't benefit or harm me in any way so I'm going to let it be!
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2016, 04:42:51 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Its a black hole and it will draw in all your energy until you have nothing left to apply where you need it, and there will be nothing to show for all your efforts.
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