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Author Topic: How about this for a pwBPD self-reflection on narcissistic rage  (Read 468 times)
Lifewriter16
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
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« on: April 15, 2016, 11:43:46 AM »

A quote from my BPDxbf today:

"When you told me about how you felt today, it was very familiar, because I’ve had the same struggle. I wanted to be loved, but more than loved. I wanted the sun, moon and stars. No one could give me that.

When I did feel loved, I wanted more and more until I was gorged on it, but because I couldn’t get that amount of love from anyone I soon felt unloved and pushed love and the idea of love away angrily."


Boy, do I know this... .!

Love Lifewriter

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

C.Stein
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« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2016, 12:16:14 PM »

Should I assume that since you are posting on the improving board you are back in the thick of it?
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Lifewriter16
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Gender: Female
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Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
Posts: 1003



« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2016, 12:52:02 PM »

Should I assume that since you are posting on the improving board you are back in the thick of it?

I don't know. I think we're ironing out misunderstandings... .but I'm aware that I'm probably on quicksand.

Lifewriter x
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C.Stein
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« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2016, 01:04:34 PM »

Should I assume that since you are posting on the improving board you are back in the thick of it?

I don't know. I think we're ironing out misunderstandings... .but I'm aware that I'm probably on quicksand.

I agree (see bold).  Are you ready for this emotionally LF?
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2016, 01:40:13 PM »

No C.Stein, I'm not ready. I don't think I'll ever be or feel ready for this.

The sadder question is this: Will I ever feel ready for any relationship? You see, I'm becoming more and more aware of the level of the triggers that I am experiencing. My daughter has been sat on my knee demanding tickles and getting physically close and it's getting too much. I'm getting anxious. I need to distance myself from her. And she's doing the 'You don't love me' routine because I'm pulling away from her having had enough.

At some point, I have to take the risk and face the triggers otherwise I will be permanently on my own. The triggers are awful, but I actually believe my BPDxbf does love me. That causes me to experience massive conflict.

Lifewriter x

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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2016, 01:51:26 PM »

The thing is... .I've got massive intimacy issues. My BPDxbf held up a massive mirror in front of me and showed me myself in all my own brokenness and now I don't know what to do.

Lifewriter x
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« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2016, 02:24:43 PM »

hi lifewriter  

nothing inherently wrong with giving things another try and as the board description indicates, working to improve your situation/relationship. in order to do that i would ask the following questions:

what hasnt changed before (for both of you)?

what needs changing (for both of you)?

what is realistically not going to change (for both of you)?

what is going to change (on your end)?

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lifewriter16
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
Posts: 1003



« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2016, 02:39:25 PM »

I need that therapist. I'm absolutely barking... .
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C.Stein
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« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2016, 08:45:44 AM »

At some point, I have to take the risk and face the triggers otherwise I will be permanently on my own. The triggers are awful, but I actually believe my BPDxbf does love me. That causes me to experience massive conflict.

I agree LF, you can't run away from things that trigger you, especially given sometimes you just have no choice.   That said, you do have a choice here and you know exactly what you are getting into. 

Why do you think you are perpetuating this destructive cycle? 

If there is to be hope for a different outcome here I feel you need to be in a emotionally strong place and you might want to refrain from exposing yourself to him until you reach that place.
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HurtinNW
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« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2016, 02:09:19 PM »

Lifewriter, here's a big hug 

I so understand wanting to face your triggers and heal. My ex put a big mirror up to my issues and boy, I did not like what I saw. I saw myself at my worst.

But going back to him over and over again did not make me better.

It made me worse.

I'll be here for whatever path you chose, but please give thought to whether sticking your hand in a blender is the cure for a scratch.

We have core wounds from childhood, both of us were denied mother love and abused. The secret to getting that love is not asking it from people who cannot give it to us. There are healthy ways to face our issues and then there are destructive ways.   

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2016, 08:40:20 AM »

I need that therapist. I'm absolutely barking... .

woof, woof. 

Do what you can to take care of yourself first. You need all the reserves you can build up.   

How far "back" are you with him now? (I don't recall if the two of you have lived together before, etc.)
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Lifewriter16
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Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
Posts: 1003



« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2016, 11:23:33 AM »

Hi All.

Thanks for all your posts. I have been holding back from posting because I know that I have a tendency to try to please people and that causes me conflict at times.

I need that therapist. I'm absolutely barking... .

woof, woof. 

Do what you can to take care of yourself first. You need all the reserves you can build up.   

How far "back" are you with him now? (I don't recall if the two of you have lived together before, etc.)

How far back are we? We are actively talking about the problems we have been struggling with. We have had a conversation about his violence and have some ideas for a safety plan. We have affirmed that we love each other and want to work this out. We have agreed to meet more regularly (for coffee) so object permanence problems are reduced and are returning to spending one night a week together whilst my children are sleeping over at their dad's house. We have never lived together and I won't agree to do so until he has divorced his wife and we have at least a year without major problems under our belt. I intend to keep my children out of the equation until I am satisfied they are safe. I am working on one of my triggers (fear of being dumped/abandonment because I'm not loveable or good enough). He is working on one of his (feeling he is being ignored/punished because he's done something wrong if I don't contact him immediately when he texts or emails me). These two triggers have been very significant parts of our relationship roller-coaster.

nothing inherently wrong with giving things another try and as the board description indicates, working to improve your situation/relationship. in order to do that i would ask the following questions:

what hasnt changed before (for both of you)?

what needs changing (for both of you)?

what is realistically not going to change (for both of you)?

what is going to change (on your end)?

once removed - thanks for your questions. I've been reflecting upon them and my BPDbf asked if he could have the list to reflect upon himself. We're going to compare notes.

I'll be here for whatever path you chose, but please give thought to whether sticking your hand in a blender is the cure for a scratch.

We have core wounds from childhood, both of us were denied mother love and abused. The secret to getting that love is not asking it from people who cannot give it to us. There are healthy ways to face our issues and then there are destructive ways.   

Hi Hurtin. Your comment about whether I was putting my hand in a blender to cure a scratch made me laugh. I could be doing just that but I have a deep, intuition that underneath all this dysfunction (mine and his) there is something beautiful that can be nurtured. If I found someone capable of love, I'd been no better off because I'd be unable to love him because I love my BPDbf and feel he's my man. And I really believe that love is not just an expression of two sets of neuroses that neatly fit together. I can see that my man looks like a really bad bet. I can see that any sensible person would say walk away. You summed up his bad points so succinctly:

Excerpt
It sounds like your ex has been honest with you about some things. He's violent, he has hurt women, he's used weapons, he is in a program for batterers, his story changes when it comes time to take real accountability.

When I look in from the outside, I am concerned but when I sit with him and hear him talk of what he is learning, when I see him doing something different to usual, and when I look at my triggers and the impact they have had, I think: It's worth one last push. It's worth taking the risk of expressing my needs, of learning to set boundaries and to say 'No' where appropriate, it's worth the effort of applying SET and JADE consistently and of investing love in him. It's worth risking a broken heart because it can't get any more broken than it already is and we might just sort this if we work together. If he's not serious, he'll dump me soon enough. In the meantime, I'm being safety conscious whilst I try to verify what he has been telling me about his past and I'm keeping him away from the kids. If social services take his daughter into care and my BPDbf is not awarded custody when he applies for it, I'll know that I need to think again. I know this decision makes no intellectual sense, but... .Well, I guess you understand the conflict from personal experience.

Thanks again, all.

Love Lifewriter x

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