Abuse.

[Tturnipp]

My partner has been physically abusive (pushing me, lifting me up) toward me on 3 or 4 occasions, he acted like a child having a tantrum but obviously at 6ft2 that behaviour is received a lot differently. I felt like a cliche abused woman when people asked why I stayed with him as I said it was because I love him and the relationship is confusing, I don't know how to explain what is going on and to be honest I don't think I understand what Is going on myself. I felt something inside me that made me believe that he really does love me and that there is something really wrong going on inside his head.

This week he has been diagnosed BPD... .It makes a lot of sense and it is something that I have thought about a lot in regards to his behaviour. I'm hurt by his previous actions and of course I don't condone them but I feel that now he has this diagnosis I can stop abusive situations from escalating.

Am I the crazy one for giving this relationship a chance? My family hate him understandably but also that makes my life a lot harder because I have to hide the relationship now which I feel is unnecessary. He's my daughters step father and I am his sons step mum and we love our kids dearly, we are a family. We no longer live together as the distance helps the relationship a lot.

I do want this relationship to work, I want my family - I don't really know what I'm asking for here - maybe just a little input? He is now getting therapy and will be receiving psychiatric treatment when the appointment comes through, he's been very accepting of his diagnosis, incredibly open and honest about everything with me, family and professionals - I believe he wants to get well. Am I stupid for staying in this? Can the abusive side of him be controlled with validation and boundaries?

I think he's worth it, I'm just really very scared.

Xx

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bpdsupporter]

It's so tricky all this BPD sometimes. I too experienced physical abuse from my partner. And felt exactly the same way. I just couldn't believe that I was in an abusive situation. I couldn't tell anyone because I knew they would judge him and tell me to leave. And even if he has a mental illness I knew no one would understand. Only you know what's really best for you. But in my relationship boundaries and validation did work. And what really helped me the most was getting help for myself. I will say though that a big factor of abuse that was happening with my pwBPD was he was struggling with an addiction plus his mental illness which did make him violent when he was experiencing withdraw. But since he's been in recovery staying clean and getting the help he needs those episodes have been pretty non existent.

I never want to be the person who advises someone to stay somewhere where they are not safe. But I can be a person who can completely empathize with your situation. I know how you feel. And as complex and confusing as it all is if you make sure you take care of you and focus on what's going to bring you the most peace. Things will get better. Thanks for sharing and reaching out. Wish I could give more advice... .But I feel your pain and it's just so doggone tricky to.figure out what to do

[waverider]

 

Hi Tturnipp

Living with the fear of potentially escalating domestic violence is a serious concern and should not be underestimated. Have you ever contacted your local support lines in regards to this?

In the first instance it is important to establish a go to safety plan, even if you never have to use it, it is there to reduce fear and feelings of helplessness.

Until you get this off the table it is hard to move forward with anything else. There is a real danger of attempting to side step around it and hope it will go away by tweaking other aspects.

Are there specific incidences you can tell us about, and how you reacted?

Waverider

[Grey Kitty]

Abuse unchecked tends to escalate over time, and if it has already escalated toward physical, that is very concerning.

Part of the escalating pattern of abuse was how you played into it. And by playing into it, I do not mean that you were responsible for any of it--Blaming the victim for abuse is always 100% wrong, and statements like "I had no choice but to do X" or "You made me do X" are not acceptable.

You say you no longer live physically with him. That has to help make the situation safer.

Do work on a safety plan. One thing you can do is be ready to leave (and take any children you are responsible for) immediately as he starts to get upset/abusive, before it escalates to something physical.

If you haven't already done so, it might be a good idea to plan your time with him at his residence or public spaces rather than yours--Leaving de-escalates a situation pretty well. Demanding that he leave doesn't as well.

Please work on your Safety Plan now. Hopefully you won't need it.

[Tturnipp]

Hi there and thank you for your replies!

He's never hit me, he has badly hurt himself in front of me, he's screamed and shouted and pushed me around, locked me out of the house, picked me up. He acts like a 6ft toddler that is having a tantrum or on the other hand he is so terrified of himself or what he is capable of that he freaks out and pushes me away from him so he can get away.

Since having the diagnosis there have been no incidents - I think that's due to him understanding himself better and due to me now knowing that there are better ways of communicating with him.

I took what he said to me very personally, obviously - I had no reason not to, I didn't know he had a disorder. He would be very OTT with his emotions and I wouldn't understand why so I would either be too emotionally effected or I would get really ___ing bored of hearing the same thing over and over. He obviously didn't know that anything was wrong with him other than he felt awful and couldn't communicate it was me. He felt terror and irrational massive thoughts of abandonment and would get so overwhelmed that he lashed out, more at himself. I would get shouted at mostly and then an hour later it would be as if nothing happened.

He self referred to a counselling organisation specifically for perpetrators of abuse as he didn't want to be the way he was being and with that we are working on a contract between us that includes time outs and him leaving if everything gets too much. Also, we are working on a safety plan that his parents will be involved in too so, if it all gets too much for me I can rely on his parents coming to help/take him away to cool down. Also, his counsellor asks him every week about the safety plan and if he has used it - he also asks about abuse and if there has been any that week - including minor offences. If there are any criminal offences his counsellor will encourage my partner to report himself and depending on the gravity of the situation his counsellor will report him. I'm working with a counsellor on that partners side of the same organisation so I can get help and if anything happens that my partner doesn't own up to my counsellor can tell his and I can also be kept up to date with me partners progress. It really is a great service and the fact that my partner self referred and is sticking to it says a lot.

He will also be getting Psychiatric therapy when it's available, he has a mental health team and his mum is incredibly supportive with the both of us.

Again, I love him and yes I can see there are ways that I can reduce stress between us now and there are ways that I can accommodate his disorder and his fluctuating emotions. I'm finding it hard to forget about what happened before - it's crazy to go from thinking someone that you love hates you to oh god, if only I knew before then neither of us would have the memories of abuse that happened. 

[waverider]

It is excellent that you are both aware of the issues and have a plan in place with the support of others around you.



Always keep in mind when he is emotionally overwhelmed all intentions of cooperating can suddenly go out the window.

Having a diagnosis and undergoing therapy can bring with it heightened frustrations at times as it will sometimes bring impatience out as the results dont seem to be happening as quick as he may like.

In the meantime learn as much about this disorder and your part in the interaction so you can be best prepared, as he will need your support and help in his darkest moments. It is a tough road and you need to be strong.

Achievements will eventually overwrite past traumatic memories.

Waverider