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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: BPD shaming and stigmitization  (Read 339 times)
Bpdsupporter
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 108


« on: April 13, 2016, 06:28:43 PM »

One of the main reasons I joined this forum was because Ive been searching the internet about BPD for some time now, and it was rare that I would find any resources that would help those of us really understand BPD without stigmatizing and shaming the illness. I was perfectly aware of all the issues... .I lived it! So I made it my mission to put out some positive things about being in a relationship with someone with BPD, and that it can actually work if you are informed about the illness, and use skills such as validation, empathy, and active listening.

I read alot of the post on here and alot of us nons are just suffering so much and don't know what to do. We love our pwBPD but they can drain us and torment us and it can be very exhausting and confusing dealing with all they have to deal with.

So on my journey the last thing I wanted to hear was about all the problems and how terrible people with BPD are. They are not terrible, they have a mental illness that is debilitating and even though they do the most hurtful things sometimes, they are suffering and in pain. If someone has a physical ailment like diabetes or cancer there's all this love and empathy for an illness, but if someone has BPD and other mental illnesses empathy kinda goes out the door, and rightly so because they can act extremely horrible and hurt people so much. Its gotta be the most terrible thing ever to live with because what someone with BPD needs the most is empathy and compassion, but their actions sometimes dont seem worthy of such things. Its a really messed up place to be.

So  I really want to encourage people in their relationships that there is hope. I have a heart for people who have struggled with this mental illness.

My first time ever hearing about BPD was I had a friend years ago who suffered from it. I didn't quite understand it back then and she was the only friend in my life that I actually had to say "we cant be friends anymore if you dont get some help". Little did I know years later that the love of my life would have the same mental illness.

The relationship was very tough on me, but I was determined to understand him. People with BPD deserve love too despite all the chaos and turmoil that they cause to themselves and others, I applaud them for being people who express their emotions (good and bad) freely.

I know its not easy... Ive been through it all, but when I changed me and got peace within myself, I was better equipped to face the challenges  that come with being in a relationship with someone with BPD.

First step is always always always self-care. If you are not taking care of yourself, you can in no way be in this really special kind of relationship! I cant stress that enough. You wont be able to empathize and you will dwindle away and be distressed and anxious all the time. So please do what you can to get your own emotions and mental and physical health in check first. Then you will be able to really use the skills needed to empathize, validate, and listen. Since I did these things and continually learn my partner and I are closer and more in love than ever. Thank you and peace to you!

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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2016, 04:55:36 AM »

I agree that it is helpful to understand BPD as a mental illness and not assume that a person with BPD is always acting willfully.

BPD is an interesting disorder because it shows the "symptoms" in the relationship. You mentioned diabetes as an example, and while it may feel hurtful to a partner to see their loved one eat a bunch of candy, the consequence of that would be that the person with diabetes would feel bad. In a relationship with someone with BPD- the boundaries get blurred. In a sense, if diabetes was like BPD, then it would be like the pwBPD eats the candy, and the non is the one dealing with the high blood sugar.

Why this seems to be like this is actually the emotional makeup of the non- people who tend to caretake too much, take on the responsibility of the other person's actions, and enable them. This becomes a source of distress for them and is a result of their choices, not the fault of the person with BPD.

While I think it is good to have compassion and empathy for someone with BPD, I think this should be combined with some personal work, as well as some "tough love" and boundaries. Surely we don't let someone seriously hurt themselves, and we need to protect children, but too much caretaking overwhelms us and keep the pwBPD from taking responsibility for their own actions. Like diabetes, we can understand that they didn't choose this, and be understanding, yet realize that a person with diabetes is responsible for managing their diet, and medicine to the best of their ability. If he or she demands we buy them a box of candy, and we do, just to keep the peace, then we are enablers. Giving into the demands of someone with BPD can be the same thing.
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