Need advice

[JerryRG]

Hello Everyone

My sons birthday is tomorrow, he will be 2. I didn't make big plans and after his mother asking me to get past my resentments and wanting peace and I hear she's telling people I assaulted her I don't want to be around her or her creepy bf anymore, Grandma used to help with drop offs and pick ups but she's so disgusted with her daughter she won't help me anymore and has given up.

I don't want to deal with crazy any longer

I have not seen my son since last week

How do people enjoy time with their children with this constant crazy drama hanging over their heads, her bf saying they will give my son away? Things like this I just don't understand nor want to be around, my son must be scratching his head wondering how he ends up back in OZ after being with me. My patients is getting very thin.

She has my son for 1. the child support or 2. To screw with him and me otherwise she wouldn't be threating to give my son up.

[livednlearned]

Hi JRG,

Happy birthday to your son 

I hope you were able to figure out a solution so you could spend time with him. I'm guessing he will be happy to see you no matter when or for what reason, and a belated birthday celebration with dad is surely better than not seeing you.

There are many members who have come through here in the past that had exchanges at police stations. Have you considered doing that?

[tryingsome]

Hello Jerry,

I have two children also and had in the past had my spouse say I had assaulted her to her friends.

So from some aspects I can kind of relate, though probably not to the large extent of your story as there wasn't nearly as much drama.

I do have a few questions, are you ready to take the big plunge here? Kind of make the peace for your child?

It's tough to put aside emotions. But I believe you can have a peaceful relationship with your ex, it just takes a lot of work on your part.

If you are ready (and you don't need to be at this point), here is what I might look at:

What is causing her to be angry at you in a continuous manner? Are your conversations/interaction with the pwBPD have a lot of tone of accountability?

If so, then drop it and just let it go. Pretend this is a new day in interactions. (Note I am not saying forget what was, but don't bring it up to the pwBPD)

Let that settle for a bit. Once so, be positive to the pwBPD. Highlight them being a good parent. Highlight the wonderful aspects of your child to each other.

Stay the course.  And when tense comes, being neutral goes along ways.

It is important to look at this from your child's point of view. What do you want them to see from you; and be that.

[JerryRG]

Hello trying some

There is no peace with her, never has been. I am not ready to text her again, just thinking about her I get angry and everyone agrees that know her she has very serious mental health issues. Difficult to have any rational discussion with someone like her. My sponsor wants me to focus on my health right now.

I just texted my son's grandmother and she refused to allow me to drop his gift off at her office.

I made my attempt but I'm certainly not going to put myself in harms way to be around my son. Next thing she will hurt him and claim I was abusive. I best stay away until she has another melt down. She posted 2 weeks ago she was going to take a dirt nap. It's just a matter of time.

From what I've already witnessed she's capable of anything and I truly believe she hates me for telling her I could not be in a relationship with her and she won't let it go until I've suffered enough.

She's using my son to manipulate me and keep his child support, nothing more.

[tryingsome]

peace with her, never has been.

I get angry

she refused to allow me

Next thing she will hurt him and claim I was abusive. I best stay away

she hates me for telling her I could not be in a relationship with her

She's using my son

Hello JerryRG,

I am a little confused on what type of advice you are looking for?

Your initial premise was how to enjoy time with your child, but everything I might have suggested is just thrown back upon her as blame.

Further to the fact that it seems 'okay' to you that your child is abused just so you can be safe?

So, I am wondering what kind of advice are you looking for? Is this advice for you or for your child?

I quoted a few of your lines above. Take a deep look at them for the moment.

A couple of lines speak of abusive to your child from the pwBPD... .Is that okay with you?

Yes, you are angry. I get that. Yes, she is unbearable, I get that. Who is the bigger adult here; I would suppose it is you.

She does not owe you anything. And you don't owe her anything.

But you child deserves the best you can give. Are you giving that?

I am sure there was peace at one time, way back when. What did that look like? What did you look like at that time?

Let's get back to that place.

[JerryRG]

I'm afraid of what she will do next, she does not live in reality. I want to be with my son, I'm not prepared or maybe not healthy enough to get another surprise like last weekend. Being accused of something so horrible when she knows she lying is something I cannot understand. Is she going to set me up for something worse?

What do I tell my son when he's older? How do I explain her behaviour?

[JerryRG]

I'm being selfish, and I'm sorry. Watching my son get his heart broken each time I have to leave him with his mother is ripping him apart. My son's mother has never been interested in peace, only my distruction and she won't stop until she's gotten just that, she will use everything she has to destroy my son just to hurt us both.

[ForeverDad]

A court order will specify how holidays, birthdays, vacations, vacation notifications and other notable events are apportioned between the parents.  Or it will include a reference to the county's standard guideline order or page listing such details.

Most of us are scheduled for alternate holidays (except Mother's Day and Father's Day).  For example, in the USA if I get Memorial Day this year, then Ex would get Independence Day and then I would get Labor Day.  Then Next year it alternates, Ex gets Memorial Day, then I get Independence Day and then Ex gets Labor Day.

Birthdays are a sensitive subject for many here.  Sometimes the solution is to have your own event with the children.  On the bright side, the kids may get two parties?

With my son, if he ever felt left out I always reminded him that I gave him gifts throughout the year, I didn't hold them back waiting for an event.

In your case, your son is still quite young and a celebration of age may not have much meaning or impact until he gains a few more years.

[tryingsome]

I don't believe you need to tell your children anything about your spouse.

I know who my parents are and I surely didn't need someone to tell me their shortcomings.

That is pretty obvious.

But, I do wish my parents would have taken a more active role in me.

Making me a priority at times. This is the lesson I give to my children; letting them know they mean the most out of everything.

Tell your child how you fought for them. Show them the world.

And be there in action.

There are very few battles worth fighting for as our ego plays the actor, but your children's future is part of life that you can't redo.

Choose the path that helps them so they don't get into the dynamics that you are now facing.

[JerryRG]

Thank FD and TS

I'm angry today because I started getting effects of chemo on Friday and today at work I got sick again. I'm not sure how I can care for my son when I'm this weak.

Terribly frustrating but I cannot change anything but rest as much as I can.

I don't know how to face my son's mother after she's said these horrible lies about me. How am I suppose to frame who she is and what she's capable of? If she has another break she could implicate me abusing my son?

She's dangerous and now that I've hurt her? What's next? Because I told her I'm done with her crazy and kicked her out of my life she's got to say I'm a horrible man?

My anger toward her is part of the reason I stay away, she's made my life with my son a living hell. She's so sick I can't believe she's still able to have custody. Suicide threats on fb and no one does anything? Has our society decended to a point where mothers who are obviously mentally ill are allowed to raise children.

Yes I'm angry and no matter how I see things she is going to continue to push my son into believing I'm no good or worse an abuser.

He's going to be affected negitivly no matter what I do isn't he?

Can I save him from her and her disorder?

I've been warned to stay away from her until she gets help or breaks down. Her new bf is blind to her behaviours and lies along with her.

He is 2 and does not speak well, he is way behind developmentally and still calls me mom. Don't social services care he's being neglected by his primary caregiver?

If I have my son 3 days a week can I reverse his mother's neglect?

What a F*****G nightmare for my son and I can't do anything about it unless I win a lottery.

I want him out of that nut cases home and with me