BPDWife's new BF feeding my anxiety

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD wife is a cheater. She has a new bf and we haven't divorced yet. The divorce is inevitable but we are trying to pay off the credit cards to position ourselves better for the split. Until this point, I had monitored my wives communications because she was engaging in some serious at-risk behavior. So I would see texts from her new boyfriend. He's older than me and about 19yrs older than my wife. She is in the idealization phase still yet he is telling her things that he will do with my son as his "father". He doesn't say the word father but talks about things he will do with my son as a family. Things that I plan on doing with him. And it feeds her connection to him. But I'm his father. At some point, am I just going to have to accept another man as his "second" father? This is new territory for me.

[Concerns]

My BPD wife is a cheater. She has a new bf and we haven't divorced yet. The divorce is inevitable but we are trying to pay off the credit cards to position ourselves better for the split. Until this point, I had monitored my wives communications because she was engaging in some serious at-risk behavior. So I would see texts from her new boyfriend. He's older than me and about 19yrs older than my wife. She is in the idealization phase still yet he is telling her things that he will do with my son as his "father". He doesn't say the word father but talks about things he will do with my son as a family. Things that I plan on doing with him. And it feeds her connection to him. But I'm his father. At some point, am I just going to have to accept another man as his "second" father? This is new territory for me.

[livednlearned]

Hi Concerns,

Oof. Those are two really painful issues  :'( 

The end of a marriage and already a replacement in the picture. There are others on this board who have dealt with exactly the same situations, you're not alone.

Can you tell us a little about your wife and what she is like with your son? What is your relationship like with him? How old is he?

One thing that tends to go with BPD parenting is parental alienation, whether it takes place in the marriage or gets worse during divorce. Parental alienation can run the gamut from mild to severe. In a nutshell, it is the externalizing of a BPD parent's self onto the child, so that her offspring become extensions of herself. That means if she feels something, the child is expected to as well, including a rejection of you, the father.

Children often feel compelled to go along with this, and yet for many kids, it is a roughshod experience where they are expected to have feelings that they don't. This can create an opening for you to provide something your son doesn't receive from his mom: validation of his feelings. It helps him learn emotional resilience, to define his self and his feelings as something unique to him, and not an extension of his mom.

You will always be your son's father, and your relationship is strong enough to withstand divorce from your wife and, if it happens, her remarriage to another man.

Doesn't mean it will be easy to watch your son do things with OM.

I might bring it up with your son and try to see it from his perspective while validating how both of you feel.

"How would you feel about doing ___________ with me? I was looking forward to spending time with you doing ______ and doing some dad/son stuff together."

[Ulysses]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Concerns.  I had a similar thing happen to me.  After I filed divorce papers, my exH begged me to not divorce him.  I didn't "unfile" based on his affairs, financial irresponsibility, and on what women older than me had experienced (husband begged to be taken back, then went off again to have multiple affairs).  But I told him I would not move on the divorce proceedings without talking to him first.  While exH was telling me he wanted to work it out, he was finding a new OW.  Once it was set with her, he "flipped a switch" (our MC's words) and filed to get the divorce moving. 

OW moved in with exH before the divorce was final, even before mediation.  It was hard on my kids.  It was hard on me.  It's awful to experience this, but know that you are your child's parent and no one can take your place. 

If I can offer advice, it is to get your child(ren) into therapy as soon as possible.  My S12 has a huge amount of rage and disrespect that wasn't part of our dynamic before the divorce.  Sometimes I don't see the use of therapy, but I know that it's good for him to have an outside, safe, source of support.  It's also helpful for our relationship because I can ask the therapist what would be best for my children if I'm unsure how to talk to them about something. 

It might be a long, difficult road for you.  I had to deal with exH's new wife going to vacation spots we went to as a family, where my children (especially my son) and I had created special memories.  And of course the woman got my daughter the same type of memento that I got my kids every year, and she put it in my daughter's backpack so that my daughter could remember her when she was at her home with me.  This is all within the first year post-divorce.  And, of course, my children had to star front and center at their wedding (which took place 5 months after the divorce was final).

So there may be a lot of painful things going on for you.  I hope you also have a therapist.

What does your state say about bringing in a bf before the divorce?  That might be a question for a L.

As for the credit cards, do you need to stay married until you pay them off?

[Ulysses]

Parental alienation can run the gamut from mild to severe. In a nutshell, it is the externalizing of a BPD parent's self onto the child, so that her offspring become extensions of herself. That means if she feels something, the child is expected to as well, including a rejection of you, the father.

This is a very clear explanation and it helps me understand this.  I think it is going to help me understand my son better.  Thanks for posting it.

[bus boy]

Very sorry to hear of your pain. Many people on this board have lived it and can help you. It is still pretty fresh for me, what you are going through right now. I wrote a lot and the good people on this board helped. One of the best things I was told was " this is a process not an event" it made so much scene to me. It's funny as you heal from the toxicness of a BPD relationship how you will have many small light bulb moments that all add up into healthy healing. I was separated for several years and hung on hard, it really was exhausting and mental toucher. S9 was alienated from my family, to a large degree from me, she controlled everything even my court appointed visits. I thought if I went along she would see the good in me. That will never happen. I supplied me as a source for her to drain and she supplied sex and dangled my dreams of us being a family, in front of me. Less than 1 year ago I started pushing for more time with s9 and the next thing she's with another man and just like that he's living in her house. So yes it hurts like the devil to see another man in s9 life. Like it or not he will be involved, you have to come to terms with this, it will make you a better father. I don't drill s9, his BPD mother does that to s9 to much already. Listen and validate what your child is saying. Looking back over the last 9 months I came around leaps and bounds. What I thought was the end was the beginning of healing and being a better parent. If a borderline catches a sniff of hurt in you they will run with it. No contact, no reaction. Ex BPD texts are getting more ignorant, yes they actually can get more ignorant. I don't respond or react. They will do many things to keep you hooked. You are the biological father that bond is un breakable. If your child seed you healthy they will be healthy. Ex BPD BF is a Frenchman so I encourage my son to learn French. Ex wants you to hurt and resent. It feels so much better to grow and let go, you will heal, loose your pain. Be the bigger man. At s9 Xmas concert I walked right up to ex new BF and introduced my self and shook his hand. They announced after the concert, for the parents to meet the children in there class rooms, I go to s9 class room and her BF is standing there with s9. It hurt, she was trying to hurt. But I took the high road. Be the bigger person and you and your son will be the winners. You will be teaching your child great life lessons.

[Concerns]

Thank you all for the support. It's been a real help. To Ulysses, that is the plan-to pay off the credit cards. I knew my wife before the end of her last marriage and yes I was the replacement. Although I didn't know it at the time. But she bankrupt them basically. I am unwilling to further the divorce until we have paid down the debt to a reasonable amount. That's the deal. I won't let her bankrupt us and then just split. She can understand this. But we both suffer from waves of either "you have to get out asap" or "I need to leave asap". I just don't have any confidence that if we set up a portion of the debt for her to pay that she will actually pay it. She's currently in an idealization phase, not in therapy, no meds, no personally motivated path to therapy. It's hard.

[ForeverDad]

A note of caution here.  Many of us tried to fix things, when the situation was that a lot of it just couldn't be fixed.  Whether it was our natural inclination as fixer White Knights, we have to face the facts that as a general perspective we can't risk being Nice or fail to disclose the full situation when determining who will shoulder which portions of debt and who will walk away with which portions of the marital assets or equity.

Meanwhile a wise strategy is to pay down first the debts that are either marital or yours.  Why?  If you pay don't her debt with your money, then when the assets and debts are divvied up, you're likely to walk away with more than your share of the debts.

So sit down and determine which debts are yours, which are hers and which are marital.  Then at least give priority to the marital debts if not also your own.  You're not being greedy, you are that sort, but you do have to protect yourself.  Read The Bridge, a fable with a moral that applies to us all.

What I'm saying is that no matter how much you pay down her debt, she will always have $$$ problems.  While you shouldn't "stick her with the debts" - and divorce probably won't let you do that - you can try to be fair to yourself and not 'gift' her voluntary repayments in her favor that will never be reciprocated nor appreciated.

Another way of saying this is to minimize the risk of her making her problems your problems.  That will happen anyway, but don't enable it, please.

When in doubt, stick to your boundaries.  Don't let your Ex make Ex's problems your problems.

Don't let others make their problems your problems.  A long time ago when I was younger I worked as a lobby receptionist at a large hotel.  Passersby would come in to take a look around.  Sometimes people would come in and try to guilt me into letting them use a restroom.  Sometimes even with kids hopping around desperate for, um, relief.  I said the bathrooms were in the rooms.  Sometimes they said, "Then where do you go?"  And I replied, ":)ownstairs, in the basement, in a locked area.  Please, there are restaurants across the street and down the block."  Firm boundaries... .and redirection.

You did well to default to the order.  Let it be a support for you, lean on it, well, especially when it works out in your favor.   Don't let them catch you off guard and guilt or pressure your firm (but reasonable) boundaries.

Don't feel bad about sticking to the order or your boundaries.  While you don't have to always stick to it, there will always be exceptions in life, but understand well that the more exceptions you allow - or enable - the more pressure there will be for more and more deviations.

One more thought... .there is no 'perfect' time to time to end the marriage.  If you concentrate on fixing the less important issues, you risk missing the big picture.  You and your children need clarity in your lives, you need to set up your own stable home and your children need to see the distinction between the two homes, between normal and abnormal.  Sooner is generally better.  Otherwise the delays could multiply.  What if your rowboat is leaking water faster than you can bail?