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Author Topic: Not sure what to do.  (Read 365 times)
MRBPJD
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« on: April 19, 2016, 07:16:30 AM »

I am 26 years old, and last year (June) I met my boyfriend who is also 26 years old. He can be the sweetest, funniest, and loving person I had ever met.

It was pretty whirlwind, and we fell in love very quickly. However things have become very intense and I have little to no support.

He gets extremely upset with me about nothing and everything. If I do not where my coat walking between offices at work he assumes it because I want to look good for the person I am meeting (instead of it just being quite pleasant outside.). I had boyfriends and had sex with them before him, which he gets self conscious about and needs validation that he is better than all the others, needing me to talk over points that I enjoyed most and why. If I do not do this he assumes that I haven't enjoyed it. I also tried something new in bed before (the night before I had been out with my best friend drinking.) He then suggested that as I had never done this before to him and was out the night before, I must have cheated and decided to do this to him after doing it to another man. He accuses me of making eye contact and/or staring at and/or flirting with other men and wanting to be with other men.

Instead, he is the one doing these things. I was contacted by his ex girlfriend in October (while we were separated, saying that he had driven to Canterbury and had had sex with her on two occasions since we had split. (We split on the Sunday evening he drove to her on Monday and then again on Thursday) this had happened while he was sending me the usually "Please don't leave me/ You are everything to me / I can't live without you" messages. She also informed me that he had been messaging her sporadically during our relationship saying how much he misses her and how much he loves and misses having sex with her. He went on to tell me that he only did this because he didn't feel like I loved him, he wanted to feel cared for and he wanted attention from someone s he didn't feel he was getting enough from me.

We are back together but my family do not approve at all.

His moods are very unpredictable. One minute he is madly in love with me and the sweetest man you will meet. The next he is either lashing out at me and telling me I'm a cruel, uncaring, selfish b___ for not understanding his feelings or being there for him. One second he can't imagine being without me, the next I ruin his life and he is better off alone. One second im the best thing that has happened to him, the next im the worst. If the slightest thing happens it becomes a much larger argument than it generally would between any one else. "I just asked you how you was and you haven't bothered asking how I am back?" "I notice you have new connections on LinkedIn, you didn't tell me about them."

He is extremely suspicious and paranoid causing behaviour that intrude my personal space, which is then after labelled being my fault. "You didn't answer your phone to me, it made me angry and insecure so I looked through your Facebook", if we are arguing he calls and texts me constantly getting offended if I put my phone on silent, either in an attempt to get some sleep before work or in the knowledge that no matter what I say to him when he is in one of these moods, nothing will make it better, it's literally lose lose, no matter if I try to reason with him, validate his feeling and will usually end with me getting frustrated snapping at him and arguing back. He questions me about everything. And I can never give a good enough answer. He needs to know every detail of my day because he likes to feel "involved". He has access to my gmail account, hacks my social media accounts (has even been known to talk to friends or people in the business I work for. With friends he is angling to prove I've had sex with them and with someone that works in my area of business he contacted him pretending to be me, trying to prove I had met him before when I hadn't). He is very uncomfortable with my phones, sometimes making jokes that I am texting my other boyfriend. He has been known to go down them and then having a go at me for not telling him exactly who I had spoken to that day when he had asked. He will then say that I cause this by not telling him entirely about my day and that I shouldn't lie about little things as it makes him do the things he does.

He is ultra sensitive. I once painted my nails in the morning at work, when I met him in the evening he asked when I had painted my nails. When I told him, he took offence that I hadn't painted them specifically because I was meeting him.

He thinks I have all these ulterior motives when I don't. If I work late and don't mention my colleague is there he will assume its because I'd rather stay late with my colleague than leave and be with him (even though I am literally just working late), he will call and text me constantly if I am outwith friends / family or work, and will become very emotional saying that he needs me and I'm not there, he is very upset about (insert here) by me going out and not answering all his calls replying to all his texts, I am not being there for his need and do not care about his emotions. His emotions are so up and down all the time, I do struggle to be patient with him. And when he is in a great mood, it makes me relieved and happy to but also anxious as I wait for the other shoe to drop.

Whenever we argue he will go to the pub or do drugs or both. And it will be my fault when this happens, I caused him to do it. He is also convinced that I am going to leave him.

I love him so much. It's difficult as my family do not approve of him and do not want me near him.

I just recently learned about BPD, and it all seems to make so much sense now. I'm trying to detail all of  the issues we have but feel as though I am not putting it across clearly so I am sorry for this. I needed to get this off my chest and talk this through with someone.

My boyfriend is a very good hearted man. He can been extremely sweet, helpful,and loving 1 minute especially when I am sick and/or in need of comforting and help. But there is that other side. The insensitive, cold, cruel, depressed, and angry side. And that is the side that is wearing me thin. I do a lot for him but he can never see it. Our relationship pain and the occasional amazing day that he happens to be in a loving mood, however this mood can change at the drop of a hat. It is hard very to be understanding, because no matter how angry or hurt I was I wouldn't do the things he does to me, or say the things he says. He will have a go at me for offending him in some way and after a long strenuous struggle where he eventually accepts my apology, he will then begin an argument about how it shouldn't get to the point where he needs me to apologise in the first place.

I don't know what to do from here. I have not mentioned BPD to him yet but I know it will not go down well and he will think I am blaming him for all of our troubles. He has been to counselling for his drug taking however, this didn't last and I was generally the reason he would relapse.

What do I do? I don't think he will get help and I can't continue living with like this because I am at breaking point break and crumble from all of this pain. My work is suffering and my family life is suffering. I think if he was to get help we would be able to move through this. All I can think to do now is research ways to change myself to help him. But it's so hard without help.

I have taken a look at online test for diagnosing and have mentally answered going by his behaviour towards me, his description of his feelings and my knowledge of his ability to self harm. I know it certainly isn't a diagnosis, especially with me taking it in accordance of my knowledge of him each time it is coming out as severe.

Im sorry this is so long, but I feel I may be gaining an understanding of what could be wrong with him and needed to get this off my chest as there is no one else I can speak to.

Thank you for taking the time to read my disjointed rambling, and I would really appreciate any responses, advice, views, anything!
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2016, 07:50:16 AM »

I'm going to say this as nicely as possible.

My husband is BPD and t only has gotten worse since we married. I didn't know what it was when we were dating why he acted the way he did. 3 years after marriage in therapy my therapist had me read all about BPD. We separate for a year before I knew he was BPD. When I found out I went back to him like a martyr ... .Empathizing with his disorder because I have anxiety. That it's not his fault. Felt badly for him.

When he returned he was on good behavior for a moment, then the emotional abuse started again roughly 3 months in (You are in an emotionally abusive relationship.) I then told him I would leave again after he tried shutting our business down. He spiraled out of control because I gave him a look of disappointment. Within 3 days he was trying to ruin my life. He ended up agreeing to DBT therapy. It is a specific therapy for borderline individuals. He had done therapy with not highly educated psychologists but regular licensed therapists - this made our marriage worse. DBT therapy and antidepressants/anxiety pills have helped... .But it is not enough. He still has moments that cycle back to mistreatment and disrespect. Respecting me and honoring me is absent. I'm not in an equal marriage.

Before him I had a BF similar to what you are describing. My husband BPD is not as extreme. I was 21 and thank god I left.

May I ask you why you wish to remain in the relationship?

And have you really done some good studying about BPD?

Do you know it doesn't ever go away?

It can subside, but it can also worsen as time goes on.

Are you committed to a lifelong roller coaster of ups and downs? My BPD husband would also constantly threaten suicide. Are you prepared to accept that sort of behavior? It's very hard coming home from work wondering if your husband is hanging from the ceiling or over dosing on pills... .It causes a lot of mental anguish and will completely disrupt your daily life.

I suggest you really study this disorder. I also suggest you find a therapist who knows borderline well. I have codependent issues as most of us non BPDs have. I suggest you look into that as you may also have those tendencies. Focus on you.

Being with a BPD for me has caused major anxiety and depression, lack of self respect for letting someone speak to me and treat me these ways, and even have wanted to self harm to physically show how he was hurting me.

Things are still not pretty. I constantly feel hated and loved and resented every other day of the week. There is no emotional connectivity. We get through our days and weeks and when we have together time it's met with judgment, criticism and absolutely no connection. The day he can just be happy for my accomplishments would be a huge step, but instead anything I do well is met with fear that one day I will figure out how awesome I am and leave him.

This is not a life nor is it a relationship I would ever want for someone to commit to.
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MRBPJD
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2016, 08:43:24 AM »

Thank you for coming back to me.

I almost cried reading your response, but I'm in my office so had to restrain myself!

I love him, but I'm not sure I want to remain in this relationship, but then when things are good, I couldn't imagine abandoning him. But the good times are now very few and far between now and as I said, when things are good, I'm tensely waiting for the bad.

My head is a confused mess whenever I think about it.

I will admit I have had issues of abuse in my past that affects my feelings of self worth.

I haven't studied thoroughly. It's strange, I stumbled across this today, reading about Liza Minelli and David Guest. Someone commented about a Cluster B Personality Disorder, which I looked up and then stumbled across BPD. I've been reading up and the symptoms I was finding where scarily familiar. I'm continuing to read up, but I found this website and had an overwhelming need to get my feelings out.

I've had read varying reports on whether this goes away, some saying it does with a year of treatment and support others saying that it never truly goes away. I was more obliged to believe the latter so thank you for confirming with your own experience.

I feel my own self respect and self confidence is through the floor. I have told him I need time to think about us and we have been separated for 10 days, which he is not reacting well to, some moments calling and saying he miss me and he will change and the next causing arguments and calling me cruel and selfish.

I've just been on the phone to him, his mood is improved at the moment, and I suggest he collect his anti depressants from the pharmacist today. His response was that I was trying to make him a zombie and easier to manage. But he will do it "for" me. I explained that this wasn't the case and that he was prescribed them months ago for a reason. He needs help. He laughed and said sure that's the reason.

He then suggested that I thank him for not looking at my social media in days. Saying he deserves a pat on the back.

I feel conflicted. I would like to suggest that he see's his GP and discusses the possibility he may have BPD, but I know the conversation will just involve him accusing me of trying to blame our problems entirely on him.

I'm also conflicted because I love him but deep down and can feel something shouting do you love him or is it because your scared of him and feel sorry for him. He always tells me he will have nothing if I go.

Sorry. I'm rambling again but its so good to talk.
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Cat Familiar
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2016, 09:01:40 AM »

I'll second every thing Hanging said. I was married to a man with BPD for almost twenty years. The times when he was sweet and caring diminished to almost zero and were replaced with physical abuse, verbal abuse, infidelity, financial irresponsibility, substance abuse, suicide threats, and overall craziness. I got to the point where I felt like I was just waiting to die. It was a miserable existence.

Finally I told myself the next time he either cheated on me or attacked me that I would have a choice: I would either choose life (ending the relationship) or death (staying with him and waiting for him to kill me or to finally die and be free of the misery). After a relatively conflict-free period, one night he attacked me and I screamed for help (for the first time ever because I was so ashamed that my husband would do such a thing) and I ended the relationship.

Never, not for a moment, have I ever regretted my decision.

I was alone for a number of years, dated a very nice man who had PTSD (and maybe BPD) and finally married a wonderful man who unfortunately, yet thankfully, has a much milder form of BPD. I grew up with a BPD mother and sadly that experience shaped the concept of "love" in my mind and for that reason, I've had a few partners with personality disorders. I wish I had been attracted to emotionally healthy men, but that wasn't the case. However, it's given me an opportunity to learn and grow.  

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