Advice needed to deal with a BPD Wife

[CantFixHer]

Hello Everyone!

I found this site today and have found so much help already that I feel it was time to register and get involved.

I have been married to my spouse for 8 years next weekend and we have been together for 10. Our relationship did not start out with the best of foundations, but somehow we have made it this long and we still have a pretty close relationship. However, over the course of 6 out of the 8 years we have been married, there has always been something off with her behavior, her actions, and our relationship. She has always been aware of it and we always knew she had depression which she had been treated for many many times with many different medications. Some would help, some not and when some would help, it was only temporary. We have two amazing boys who are 7 and 3 years old. Our 7 year old was diagnosed with high functioning autism at age 3 and we are just now receiving the type of care he has been needing since the diagnosis. Needless to say, things have been stressful.

Over the years, my wife has had problems with seeking attention/Validation from other male individuals. Mostly all were through text messaging, but a few went a little further, and only one went all of the way. For some reason though, it would seem as though this was an addiction she had and it would occur once in one year, or sometimes 3 to 4 times in another year. We went a total of 2 years where nothing happened. Needless to say there were many trust issues and I can honestly say that the only reason I have stayed through it all is because she has always been very remorseful, fessed up and owned up to the affair, immediately ended it with giving me proof it was over, and then continuing to work on our relationship. She has always genuinely cared for me, has always loved me, and we have always been very close when not during these times of infidelity.

I always knew there had to be more to all of this than just a simple addiction though. She has never once blamed me for any of it, she has always told me I didn't deserve it, she always said she would understand if I divorced her even though it wasn't what she wanted, but she also never really understood why I gave her so many chances. Honestly, this woman is the love of my life and I have found it very difficult to give up on her while I knew there had to be some explanation for all it and that the core of her problems could be dealt with and we could have a happy ending. I am a Paramedic, so my personality is to "FIX" something that is broken and I have a strong ability to compartmentalize pain and hurt while being able to get over the past fairly easily and quickly, but all of these things have seemed to appear very differently to her.

Fast forward to present time. I will spare the details of what all led up to this, but basically everything that has been building up for 10 years has now come crashing down with unimaginable force and we are stuck with finding all of the pieces in hopes that there is some chance of putting them back together. In the midst of this fall out, it has been a horrible roller coaster of emotions. Extreme highs to extreme lows. One minute we are clinging on to each other in tears and apologizing while making plans on how to fix our marriage, to the next minute she is pissed off, upset, ready to give up, and is heading out the door to stay at her moms leaving me confused while telling me its not my fault. 1 to 2 days later, she is coming home and appearing to be back to normal as if she is ready to get things on track again. Then 2 to 3 days later, its right back to separating and/or divoring. Up and down, over and over. Similar to the roller coaster we have been on for years, except now sh*t has gotten real and she is much less afraid of hurting my feelings or telling me like it is. She is now on a horrible trip of not knowing who she is, feeling as though she has zero self worth, she feels like she is not worth having a marriage or being a mother to her children, and she is constantly in a state of self destruction and negativity and it is in full force, where as it used to only be mild to moderate over the years with a quick recovery. I know now that the "recovery" was a mask she puts on to hide everything and she is an EXPERT at doing this. I do believe the mask broke along with everything else that came crashing down.

So one night while we were researching things (during an up moment), she came across an article about BPD. She showed it to me and I was absolutely blown away. She met almost EVERY single symptom and characteristic of the condition along with adding depression, OCD, and anxiety to the mix. Now that we have a name for this and some insight as to why, I can now finally begin to understand the pain, hurt, and struggle she has been enduring for so many years and I feel absolutely terrible. I physically hurt for her and the worst part is knowing there is nothing I can do to fix it. I am not one to ever show the "sad" emotion. I can't... I'm not allowed to with my job. But as I am just simply typing that phrase "I physically hurt for her", I can't contain those emotions... I am at a complete loss. I hurt for her. I hurt for my children. I hurt for the possibility of what our future may hold. I hurt for myself. I hurt at the possibility of knowing that it may be too late to fix our marriage. She has recently been threatening divorce, which is something she has NEVER done in our 8 years of marriage. She has been making it pretty clear as well and her reason has been that she is not sure she can forgive herself for all of the hurt she has put me through, she is afraid that she cannot get control of this and because of that she is afraid that she is going to hurt me again and she has now said that she refuses to do that to me any longer.

On one hand, I can understand her point. But on the other hand, now that we have an idea as to what is going on, I can better understand her, do things differently on my part to help her and not make things harder on her, and also better myself in this process. I don't want to lose my wife. I am not a quitter and I do not feel it's worth ending it when we have only just begun to scratch the surface on getting control of her BPD. She admits to having this issue, she does not want to have to live with this, and she is ready to change it. Her fear of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and her fear of not having the strength to do it are only a few of the thoughts delaying her progress right now.

My questions here are, is there any way I can help her see the light at the end? Am I wrong for hanging on and fighting her on divorce? Is there really hope or am I creating a false hope? I've answered some of these questions for myself, but I need some advice because my mind is so out of whack right now, I can't decide which of my thoughts are reality vs denial. I have scheduled an appointment with a Therapist who is supposedly "the best around here" and my insurance actually covers her. I am still trying to convince my wife to go see one as well, but we have been through 5 marriage Councillors over the years and none of which were EVER helpful for either one of us, and honestly mostly made things worse. (I'm in the south, so the southern hospitality doesn't help when its the last thing you need). She is taking steps on her own to deal with this and I have to say she has been pretty motivated and has been consuming a lot of time with getting in touch with herself and finding resources to help her with the BPD, but I keep telling her that she can't do this on her own and she need professional help. I hope she listens...

Thank you for taking the time to read this long drawn out post. Trust me, I was very reserved because I could sit here and type it all out for hours. Any advice or encouragement anyone can give will be very much appreciated. Just please keep it constructive.

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[waverider]

 

It is good that you found your way here, it does seem like you have become stuck on the endless roller coaster without any brakes.

You cant fix her or get her to see the light. She will need to do this herself, usually when she runs out of options.

You story is a common one, and I can see a common thread. Your lack of clear values and and enforced boundaries. pwBPD have few boundaries of there own, and like a child they will try every toy in the toy shop constantly trying to find that missing something to fill that permanent hole inside of them. This produces lack of stability.

They need others in their life to provide structure and stability for them, they push your boundaries to test this. If your boundaries keep accommodating them, they push further seeking them. if they find no boundaries then they can't define you or you values, and hence do not respect you.

The irony is pwBPD dont respect doormats, no matter how hard they try to turn you into one.

You have to work on yourself and your boundaries and the rest wil follow, whether the relationship survives or not

Waverider

[CantFixHer]

Thank you very very much for your reply. It's very accurate and is a good reality check. I can't explain how reassuring it is to find others who not only understand, but can help.

You are exactly right about everything you said. At the beginning of our downfall, she even made a passing comment to me about not being a pushover, which also shocked me as well. In a way, I did see myself as a pushover, but at the same time, I've never really knew exactly how to set the boundaries with her in the right way with the right consequences. This is something I need help on too. I've read things on setting boundaries but none have really coincided with the kind of boundaries I have needed for my situation. My problem is, I know why she does those things and I know it's not because of me because she's always told me how wonderful of a husband I've been, I know I haven't deserved it, and our sex life is phenomenal. She's always still chosen me over what she was doing (when she was doing it) and came clean and ended it, even though it would happen again and again later down the road.

I've always told her I would leave if it happened again but then she would test that and I wouldn't leave because I knew it was a mental illness and I knew if she could overcome it, things could change because she does have good core values and an understanding of how wrong she was with her outlet. Other men had been her way of getting the attention and validation to temporarily fill that hole even before we met and she hates herself for it. A big question from her right now is "why do you stay?" None of the answer I've given her has satisfied that question for her yet.

With that said, is there better options for setting consequences for breaking those boundaries instead of me just filing for divorce? I'm not quite ready for that until we have given this a good shot now that we understand how to go about treating this. Of course if she ever met up with someone and it was physical, I would be gone no question. However, I have now put my foot down a bit harder this time and told her that this last time was the last straw and I would follow through on leaving if she did this again and I do believe she feels I'm more serious this time, which is probably another reason she is considering divorcing me instead because she isn't able to see yet that she can change.

I want to mention too that I believe also that she is really taking steps to make sure she doesn't fall back on that outlet again. She's been doing things she has never done before in regards to holding herself accountable, actually leaving the house and staying with her mom when she is overwhelmed, eliminating opportunities, and being more up front with me by showing me text messages and other things on her phone and emails so I can see she's not doing anything, which is a huge step for her. But we are both afraid she may slip again in another down hill of emotions, so I just don't know what to do if it happens again or what consequences to enforce for something like this that doesn't end in divorce right now.

Let me be clear though, I WILL NOT go back to the way things were. I will not stay married to her if she is not actively working on this and does not change things and she knows that. That is one boundary I have set and will not go back on. But, what do I do and how do I do it while I'm still hanging on as she goes through the treatments, assuming she goes all in on doing it?

[waverider]

Boundaries sound simple but they are not. Too often we attempt to use them to address symptoms rather than causes, and often we try to use them to control or discipline others rather than protect ourselves.

Taking this into account takes an attitude shift, and is not intuitive. Applying this to her behaviors toward other men.

~You cannot make her stop flirting/seeing other men

~You cannot stop her sleeping with other men.

These are her choices to make, you do not own her.

~You can avoid exposing yourself to this behavior

~You can avoid the consequences of being exposed to this

Your boundaries cannot be enforced until you have come to peace with the consequences of enforcement.  Many members report that they cannot effectively regain control their of their relationship until such time as they are ready to let it go.

Divorce is a final straw step when all else has been exhausted and you know that you have tried everything, otherwise you will be plagued with "what ifs' and then vulnerable to the toxic recycling. pwBPD dont really have good concept of what divorce will look like like so its threat that is thrown around easily. Often preemptively to get in first if they feel you are thinking it.

Removing yourself from the scene without any further threat other than I will not be around while the situation is harmful to me is a first step boundary. The idea is to stop your exposure at the time the exposure is there without extrapolating what happens from there. Catastrophizing is a big BPD issue, so avoid that. It puts the ball back in her court. You are not abandoning her, you are simply enacting something to stop the bleeding, not cutting the offending limb off. Keep it relevent to the moment, this keeps it focused on the issue. Otherwise it goes off topic and you get blamed for everything under the sun

Waverider

[CantFixHer]

All I can say right now is WOW... That is the best explanation I have gotten to answer the questions that have been looming for a month now. What you have said makes perfect sense. However, I know this will be a difficult shift for me because I myself have some insecurity problems which tend to cause me to overreact and take such horrible offense to things that threaten me. I have always had a hard time with being able to just walk away or avoid something that I know is going on that hurts me. It's like, in my head, walking away and not exposing myself to it while consciously knowing its happening and not lashing out my feelings about it and letting her know how bad it has hurt me and how wrong she was for doing it again is like allowing it to happen, even though I know I can't stop it. She has actually purposely done things in the last month that she has never done to me before as if she was showing me that the more I presented this behavior towards her the further it would push her to do something, showing me that I couldn't stop it, and I could not control her regardless of how hard I tried. Some of these things were the triggers that set this major downfall into play. So needless to say, I have really had my eyes opened and learned my lesson, not only from myself, but purposely by her as well, as weird as that may seem coming from my BPD wife.

I know I have to change my attitude and behavior as well if there is any chance for her to change, or at least change and be able to stay married to me. I have already taken some major steps to accomplish these changes, but your reply I believe has finally put some missing pieces into place for me that I have been having a very hard time understanding. For that I thank you.

[waverider]

However, I know this will be a difficult shift for me because I myself have some insecurity problems which tend to cause me to overreact and take such horrible offense to things that threaten me. I have always had a hard time with being able to just walk away or avoid something that I know is going on that hurts me. It's like, in my head, walking away and not exposing myself to it while consciously knowing its happening and not lashing out my feelings about it and letting her know how bad it has hurt me and how wrong she was for doing it again is like allowing it to happen, even though I know I can't stop it. She has actually purposely done things in the last month that she has never done to me before as if she was showing me that the more I presented this behavior towards her the further it would push her to do something, showing me that I couldn't stop it, and I could not control her regardless of how hard I tried.

Most likely because you left it too late, by which time you are wound up and reacting in the moment with charged emotions.

Keep in mind most things that need a boundary, and we are talking underlying principles/attitudes no details of issues, are cyclical and keep repeating. Use this to be prepared, then you can enact something early as it is arising before it gets full blown.

You cannot wing it in the moment, pwBPD are experts at this and will run rings around you.

No matter how much you practice this you will still stuff it up sometimes, emotions are difficult things to tame. Dont guilt yourself when this happens, its a lesson for next time, and there is always a next time. The aim is to get better at interacting one small step at a time.

Waverider

[CantFixHer]

Thank you. I saw a very good therapist today and she is helping me tremendously, just as you have. To be continued...

[Makersmarksman]

Thank you. I saw a very good therapist today and she is helping me tremendously, just as you have. To be continued...

Dont know if you are still active on here, hoping to see what your T has told you.  From my own experience, which is very similar to yours, you will be told about setting boundaries. I can tell you that this is where I failed, I mean, I certainly had boundaries but after 20 years of those boundaries constantly being violated I kept expanding them.  By the end my final boundary was "if you have sex with someone else I will divorce you." Never mind all of the manipulation, lying, abuse that I had accepted within my boundaries.  Finally even this final boundary was violated (again).  Boundaries are important in any relationship, if a BPD violates them once and succeeds there is no turning back IMO, they take that as a clear indication that you have no boundaries at all, from that point its all downhill

[waverider]

Thank you. I saw a very good therapist today and she is helping me tremendously, just as you have. To be continued...

Dont know if you are still active on here, hoping to see what your T has told you.  From my own experience, which is very similar to yours, you will be told about setting boundaries. I can tell you that this is where I failed, I mean, I certainly had boundaries but after 20 years of those boundaries constantly being violated I kept expanding them.  By the end my final boundary was "if you have sex with someone else I will divorce you." Never mind all of the manipulation, lying, abuse that I had accepted within my boundaries.  Finally even this final boundary was violated (again).  Boundaries are important in any relationship, if a BPD violates them once and succeeds there is no turning back IMO, they take that as a clear indication that you have no boundaries at all, from that point its all downhill

This is what happens when we use demands rather than boundaries. Demands are wishful thinking and depend on others to comply. Boundaries have actions that we can enact independently to anyone else's compliance. If they fail it is because we allow it.