Ex BPD wife pushing hard

[bus boy]

Co parenting has been a night mare. I've been trying for years to cooperate, giving but getting nothing in return. Now we have a court order that gives me lots of extra time with s9. It took court bc I was being denied access even at s9 request. His mom didn't even think, the answer was no, as fast as she could get it out of her mouth. Now ex BPD wife is pushing for changes. She just called saying how hard visits are on s9, he's slipping in school ( his pt was a very good meeting) he stopped chess club, stopped, friendship club, all his problems are being put on me. She says s9 is very upset all ready bc next weekend access is 5 days. S9 didn't sleep last Sunday at my place, he jumped in with me around 3:00am and fell asleep. Ex BPD said she will make app with child therapist, I said ok, she didn't like that, started getting pushy, saying your always talking about co parenting, let's talk. At this point I don't want to deal with her anymore. I've been there for s9 always. She was rather talking it over with me than go to a child therapist, I said lets make the appointment, she started raging on the phone, I hung up. Hope I wasn't to out of line. Not that I care about hurting her feelings, she's been nothing less than a heartless monster. But s9 is first and I must act like a mature adult but she is totally impossible to work with. Every court order we had she manipulated me to make changes. I met with a child therapist on Tuesday morning, the T said don't change a thing, people on this board day don't change a thing. Ex BPD got no reaction out of me, in the past I would defend myself, I set her in a rage and hung up. S9 tells me everything is fine, I don't push s9, he is very happy at my house. Ex BPD is very covert anusive, manipulating, s9 is fearful when he is at my house and he forgets to call his mom, the first thing he does is start apologizing to her, s9 tells me if he doesn't call mommy she drills him with questions all week. I don't hear from s9 between visits, he won't tell me why he doesn't call, I don't ask s9 anymore bc it clearly makes him uncomfortable. I tell s9 when I go to bed at night I will think of you and our thoughts will meet up. More than once ex BPD made s9 cry. I feel she has s9 mentally conditioned.

[jp617251]

Hi,

It sounds to me like you're doing everything you can, and in the right way, your post resonates well with me as I'll be in your position in a few years time (Son is 3.5 yrs now) and am having similar issues with his Mum.

Importantly, you have orders, and more importantly, your ex knows this, which is possibly/probably why she is turning the screws of manipulation right now to try and make you change things - stand fast!  You already are of course, don't budge on those orders mate unless its something straightforward such as picking your lad up earlier if it suits her etc.

No doubt, your boy is in the middle of this and he's feeling it, coupled with the fact that he is moving into the age of reason personally, and on the cusp of adolescence too.  So, not easy for him but, again, I think think you're doing the right things here, simply being there is going to make all the difference, if you're countering all the negativity and pressure she piles on him, with a relaxed and positive approach, allowing him to come to you if necessary, then I think its sending the right message to your Son.

I get that its tough to see and deal with, and it seems your ex wants to try and twist her way into your head to make changes, but you're already wise to it! Do you have orders for email contact only?  If so, remind her, if not, thats how I'd suggest to her you communicate.  You know what, you did precisely the right thing hanging up, and should be proud because that protects your Son.

Go with what your therapist suggests and stick to your guns, already the court has recognised that its in your Sons best interests to spend more time with you.  Likely if she carries on the way she is, either more will change in your favour, or your Son will walk your way when the time comes.

One thing I might suggest is that you make the phone calls to him, whether he wants to talk/can talk, show willing and you may effect change, she may hate it, but again, if its in orders, I'd do it, in fact I am doing it with my Son and won't be lulled into an 'is it worth it?' thought by her lack of support, ever again.

Just be there for him, available; its all you've got to do, which is what I'm also learning right now.

Cheers  

[bus boy]

I have plenty of positive support in standing fast to the order, from my T, family, child therapist,  people on this board who lived it so I do feel good for what I did yesterday. In the past, I would let her in my head, she would start out nice than start twisting words, getting me back tracking, defensive, and than I would give in and go with her wish, than I would be mad at myself for making the changes and loosing time with s9. My T is a saint. I have the luxury of being able to call her or text her anytime I want. I text my T yesterday, concerned I didn't put s9 first, T was elated, she said your getting it, you were polite, didn't react, as often as ex BPD tried to push the topic forward, I kept bringing it back to the origional question, BPD started going BPD on me, I thanked her and hung up. She was raging, when I took the phone from my ear to press the end button she was in full helicopter mode. I did all of this with no guilt, things are changing. Ex BPD has something in her, she does not want a strong father and son bond to form, her father, her brother, her bf can all do as they wish with s9. She did everything in her power to block me out of s9 life, only to turn around in court and say I won't get involved in s9 life, always belittled me as a father, even before we had a child. People see s9 and I around town, interacting and they say it's such a natural flow flow we have together. A crew of us tore down an old building and burnt it, one fella with us is very trained in counselling, his main living isn't counselor but does lots of work with people suffering from ptsd, he was observing s9 and I all day, just a crew of country boys getting together to tear down an old barn, neighbour's coming over with sandwiches and tea. He told me next day you and s9 are so natural together, don't give in to her, s9 needs you, you are a great father. I hope people who read this, have that empty hopeless feeling of being drained and discarded and alienated from there children, will get strength and realize it does get better, your children will love you, your emptiness will dissappear and that space with de filled with joy. None of this is possible without help and keeping the BPD out of your head. So many times I told my T, I can't do this, I'm going to give up and when s9 is old enough let him decide if he wants to be in my life, T kept working with me, these boards helped me. Slowly and gradually it got better.

[david]

Two things I would stress. 1) Try to get communication through email. The documentation may be helpful if you wind up back in court. I had it put in our court order. My ex tried getting around that in many ways. I got rid of texting to end that method. Ex would call me from various phone numbers so I stopped answering my phone except when the number was in my phone book. Ex still left messages from the various numbers. Not a single one needed a reply from me. I put those numbers in my phone book just in case I needed evidence in court. I had 5 or 6 numbers.

2) If you have an order where you can call every day then make the call. Several months of phone records showing your attempts will also help in court. I went though the same bs. It took around four months before we went to court. The judge was not happy about it especially since my phone bills also showed that ex got through every time she called when they were with me. On top of that, one of our boys got a number on his computer which allowed him to make outgoing calls only and my bills also showed how often he called from that number. It was the only way he was able to contact me from her place.

Yes it can be frustrating but I looked at it as temporary since I could resolve it to some degree through the courts. Also, as our boys got older ex "lost" her "power" or "hold" on them. They learned to stand up for themselves better when dealing with their mom. I view that as a positive for them.