Got Triggered Today

[Turkish]

Ok, so the subject line kind of absolves me of responsibility. I failed to control myself.

She asked me earlier in the week if she could take D3 to my Rx's stbSIL's bridal shower. It was my weekend. I was annoyed that no one contacted me (since it was my weekend). I told her. "Why can't they just ask me?" I acquiesced. What's best for the kids, no?

I live 20 mins away from where the shower was. As we pulled up, I saw a text,."If you are bringing her, please have her wear something nice. Thanks."

I already said that I would bring her. Also, I knew to dress her is something nicer than jeans and a wfe-beater. We had just pulled up. I shouldn't have responded: "You're so distrespectful. I see you treat him like that too." Response: "what are you talking about?" I didn't respond. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but I "heard" the tone, "you don't know what you are doing, you're an idiot."

I put D3 into a nice dress, it was a bridal shower after all, and put up her hair. I dropped her off. This was before mom's response.

I took S6 to a park nearby to ride his bike. I had just taught him (well, he taught himself) to ride on just 2 wheels two months ago. After we came home, I started bbqing. I got a text from their mom, but the time stamp was 1.5 hrs previous. She had wanted me to come pick up D3 because she was misbehaving. I textex back, and she called. They were wrapping it up by then.

When she showed up, I didn't give her a hard time ("couldn't you just have brought her home? I was doing you a favor.". She hesitated at the doorway, as she knows I don't like her there, but we talked a little. D3's 4th birthday is tomorrow... Their mom said that our daughter was acting like everything she hates in other kids. Our daughter was quiet, but told her mom that she loved her too when mommy left.  Had no problems thereafter. The kids split time half and half between hoiseholds, but during the day at my Ex's mother's home. The kids act up. Their opinion is that she should hit the kids. Yes, because that worked so well in that household, especially with my Ex, and her uBPD older brother.

My point, overall, is that what I took as disrespect was rather her anxiety about being seen as a good mom, D3/4, her avatar. I should have let her comment slide off my back, but I didn't. I'll spend tomorrow afternoon with the ex-laws, who are throwing the party, and her. I still don't know what to make of D3's misbehaviors, but I need to sync with her mother now to get a handle on this.

[bravhart1]

Couple of things strike me as interesting. First is that anyone would want a three year old at a bridal shower. It's kind of an adult event. Seems more like she was invited to be moms support tool or show piece, either way prob not a great time for a toddler/kid, hence the misbehavior.

Second is this, mom was telling you of daughters "bad" behaviour in front of daughter? This can be very damaging to hear mom speak disparagingly of a child in front of them and I would ask her to send it in a email, or tell it on the phone in private. Speaking of children to others in ways that convey them as bad are damaging to self esteem.

BPDs do tend to do this as it portrays them as victims of the child's bad behavior, doing it in front of the child is a way to send the message that moms view of events isn't to be challenged as wrong with the accused right there it sets up a life long precident for listening to lies being told about you and doing nothing to defend yourself. It also conveys a very clear message my mom doesn't like me. Hard stuff for such a little girl.

Your part, getting triggered etc, "eh"

Live and learn, you blew off a little steam. Could have been much worse. I know people who forgive themselves a little too easily Turkish, I'd say you are not one of them.

[bus boy]

It's hard not to get triggered. Mine tried to trigger me yesterday, I only answered the phone when I saw her number bc I thought it was s9 calling. Thus is a learning process and I am learning I don't have to own what she is projecting on me and most of all, I don't feel guilty anymore when I don't take ownership. My answer was very short and direct, when she tried to get me off topic I took it right back to topic. When she started raising her voice is hung up. Feels good and no guilt.

[Turkish]

I definitely think part of it is the kid is a show piece. D4 is very pretty, but her outgoing and funny personality can light up a room. The other side to that is that she doesn't sit there quietly like a china doll.

I saw the bride-to-be yesterday at D4's party. I asked her if D4 was acting out, and she said that she didn't think so, though maybe she was a little bored given the lack of kids there. So it was mom's anxiety, mostly. "Here's my showpiece. Oh, no, she's acting like a real little girl. People might think I'm a bad parent!" Or something like that, I imagine. I'm still trying to wrap my head around why she has trouble controlling the kids on her time.

S6 also peed his clothes last night. Mom overreacted and shamed him (he tends to shame himself and retreat to not be seen... .part of his personality). She left me to finish up with him and I hung out with him for the last hour. Annoying, yes, and also S6 needs to learn, especially as this hasn't happened in a while. It put a downer finish on the party for him.