How low can they go?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

On Saturday ex BPD wife was up to her tricks, trying to get me to cut back on my access with s9. Gave me a very good story, I hung up on her. S9's life was in turmoil all bc of his access with me. 2 of the many things she said were s9 stopped chess club and friendship club. Today is an access day for me, so I asked why he stopped his after school activities, oh s9 said, chess club is finished until next school year and friendship club was boring, it's not what I thought it would be. I have no place in my brain for such devious lies. All these years of her lying and deception and I was still willing to believe her. Thank god for my T and this site to give me the strength to stand up to ex BPD.

[bus boy]

On Saturday ex BPD wife was up to her tricks, trying to get me to cut back on my access with s9. Gave me a very good story, I hung up on her. S9's life was in turmoil all bc of his access with me. 2 of the many things she said were s9 stopped chess club and friendship club. Today is an access day for me, so I asked why he stopped his after school activities, oh s9 said, chess club is finished until next school year and friendship club was boring, it's not what I thought it would be. I have no place in my brain for such devious lies. All these years of her lying and deception and I was still willing to believe her. Thank god for my T and this site to give me the strength to stand up to ex BPD.

[david]

I used to try to figure out the why. I stopped because I came to the conclusion it was an effort in futility.

We only communicate through email. My ex doesn't believe anything I say in my emails. I figure that is because she can't imagine someone telling the truth. My communication is as minimum as possible.

About a month ago I received a long email wanting to know why our S17 was late for school. The boys were with me the night before. We arrived at his school a few minutes late and he came into homeroom late. It was no big deal. Her email went on for about two pages with all kinds of wild allegations based on him being late so many times this school year and it was all my fault.

I looked up, on the school website, his attendance record. That was the only time he was late for school when he was with me. He was late over ten times when he was with his mom. There were three times he actually missed a good part of his first period class. After seeing that I decided not to reply. I saw no point to it. I was told on this site years ago, "Negative engagement is still engagement."

[NorthernGirl]

Watching DH's ex (uBPD) in court opened my eyes to what I would call lies, but I'm sure she wouldn't. While on the stand -- under oath -- she would confidently claim one thing, then claim the opposite minutes later, and it was clear she didn't see what she'd done.

One of uBPD's claims was that DH failed to respond to her emails. She had this in her affidavit several times and when she was asked, she was adamant that he hadn't responded. The problem was that she included the actual email strings in her evidence and DH's response was in them. When DH's L pointed this out, uBPD seemed confused or surprised. "Oh, hm, yah. I guess I just missed it." Her memory was that he hadn't responded even when her own evidence showed otherwise.

When her L tried to get her to say she regretted sending DH so many abusive email, uBPD's responses were vague and unconvincing. It was clear she didn't think she'd done anything wrong.

In the decision, the judge called uBPD's emails "abrasive" and said they included "a palpable need to control." Despite that, within days of the decision, uBPD was back sending these same types of emails to DH. One of her recent emails said "as ever, your words are totally false." A reminder that in many cases when we switch the references about DH to being about her, they make sense.

If I had any doubts about her illness, those went away after reading her sworn documents and watching her for 5 hours on the stand. There is no doubt now.

[bus boy]

Thank you for the replies. It's always an eye opener to hear from someone who has lived it. I can remember being accused of lying. They project there lies onto others, exBPD hates lies so it must be a reflection of how she feels about herself. It must be hard for her to live in her skin, if I bring something up she gets defensive and full of denial.

[david]

We had court ordered co parent counseling. It was ordered for ten months.

The third meeting ex brought up a situation, ongoing at the time, about our S16. He needed a new school bag and I told him we would go out and get one in a few days. He said that his mom already said she would so I said fine and would not interfere. He picked one out online and his mom had a problem with it. I found this out a week later when I asked why he didn't have a new school bag yet. I emailed ex asking if she was getting him one and she exploded in her reply. A day later we had a co parent meeting and ex brought up the school bag. She went on about how I never supported her decisions and how against this particular school bag she was ? The amazon add called it an assault rucksack. It was black, not camouflage, had great reviews, and was very inexpensive. I sat there as she went on for about 7 or 8 minutes. The counselor let her go on. I figure he was trying to figure out what was going on. As ex started to calm down she looked at me and said that if I wanted to buy it that was fine but she wanted no part in it ? This was all over a school bag and yes I thought it was bat s*** crazy. The counselor asked me what I thought and I simply said that ex complained about me not supporting her parenting decisions and, at the same time, tells me that I can purchase this school bag, even though she is against it. I was not sure how to do both of those things.

It was shortly after that he said he was going to write to the judge and end the meetings because he couldn't see anything positive coming from this.

[SallyForth]

I can relate to all of this, and it is so frustrating when you have to deal with a person like this.  I often ask myself the same question "how long can "they" go on?"  My fiancé and I have been together a little over 4 years, and he has been dealing with the uBPNxw for over 5 years (since the divorce).  He was married for 12 (so imagine how well she knows how to play him-ughh).

I have learned it will go on forever if you allow it.  Because he has two children with her, he will never be able to completely avoid her, but we have learned how to minimize contact, and not get sucked into her drama.  It's not easy because you seriously want to rip your hair out with frustration in dealing with the irrational, circular arguments and fights they pick.

We have learned that this helps:

1.  Separating ad unblending our family ( I have two children still living at home also, so we DE-conflict weekends and holidays.

2.  Blocking her from texting and calling on all of our phones (my children included, because she has started drama with them too, and they are 12 &14- she has no boundaries SO WE MUST MAKE THEM.

3.  Blocking her from email and implementing Our Family Wizard for all communication.  We even bought HER subscription after we told her email was blocked.  OFW communications cannot be altered, adjusted or deleted, and officials and judges can have access to your OFW account so they can read first hand what is going on!

4.  When we get emails (like your backpack circular arguing, no win situation emails) we have learned to ignore them. 

5.  When uBPNew sends a nasty toned email, we now are recognizing "tells" she has.  In particular, when she says she is happy about tis or that, or is pleased, or agrees, it usually means the opposite. 

6.  When she sends an email suggesting something, demanding an action, demanding my fiancé perform a trick when she snaps her fingers (because she pleads it is in the best interest of the children)if fiancé disagrees, or opposes something (usually something simple) she will react in an oppositional mode- refusing

to do what she has demanded herself, thus leaving my fiancé no other choice but to take care of it.  Usually something related to paying for something extra-curricular/sports. We have learned to ignore such requests.  Mind you she receives $5000.00/mo. for cs and alimony, so they are not left wanting anything in

an emergency... .

7.  That after implementing all of the above, she hires a lawyer and files a modification to Divorce decree and starts a parental alienation campaign, threatens CPS, and a litany other nonsense accusations... .

8.  I have taken my kids and myself out of the picture, eliminating her to have any fuel to fight me with (she has made stuff up, and we learned that with me gone, it is impossible foor her to falsely accuse me or my kids any more.

So, with #7 currently happening, fiancé is having to further ignore crazy accusations. 

What has really helped is that finance's  children have started seeing a licensed Dr. of Psychology.  My fiancé picked the Dr based on credentials, and she has proven to be a god-send of seeing through the BS.  She has had sessions with kids and his ex too.  Recently I had one session with her and the Dr. told me that his ex spoke kindly of me!  (The woman hates me, has threatened CPS on me, calls me names, instructs the kids to hate me... .all on record) but interesting that his ex tells such a lie to the Dr?   

Also, we have decided to try and always take the high road.  Even when you do the right thing, sometimes BPN will take the joy away or take credit somehow. (like if you went ahead and bought your child the backpack!) Either way, they will act irrationally because they are looking for a fight.

The reality in their world is whatever they want it to be, whatever fits for them at the time, when you read through emails and accusations, YOU know what the truth is, BUT THEY have a completely different story that doesn't even make sense.  His kids have even started adopting her behaviors.  It is tragic and sad.

I guess in the end, you just have to learn to turn them off and squeeze them into the tiniest corner of your life and not let them get under your skin.  The trick is not losing your mind in the process- because they never get tired of fighting... .ever... .

Good luck to you!  I don't post much, but this site has been a wealth of knowledge, and support for us.  Hang in there! 

[livednlearned]

On Saturday ex BPD wife was up to her tricks, trying to get me to cut back on my access with s9. Gave me a very good story, I hung up on her. S9's life was in turmoil all bc of his access with me. 2 of the many things she said were s9 stopped chess club and friendship club. Today is an access day for me, so I asked why he stopped his after school activities, oh s9 said, chess club is finished until next school year and friendship club was boring, it's not what I thought it would be. I have no place in my brain for such devious lies. All these years of her lying and deception and I was still willing to believe her. Thank god for my T and this site to give me the strength to stand up to ex BPD.

People with BPD tend to have no boundaries, so it is our job to provide them. Your ex may be in a constant state of desperation, and is not easily able to differentiate between S9 and herself. Therefore she acts desperately to try and get him on the same page with her, doing whatever it takes.

This probably won't change, so it will be up to you to depersonalize what she is doing. Allowing yourself to be triggered will exhaust you. Assert your boundaries firmly and as best you can, wave the drama from your consciousness.

Your son needs a healthy, loving dad who can model how best to handle conflict without it becoming all consuming.

Hang in there. Healing takes time.

LnL

[bus boy]

I have been establishing boundaries, it's about time. She is mad, trying to get my to cut back access, I think she figured she would always have control over me. I always gave her unconditional love but when she ruthlessly discarded me, it hurt but I completely fell out of love with her. That was the start of the boundaries. S9 is with me until Monday, s9 was also with me last night, this is all court order, nothing to do with her kindness and letting me have s9. ExBPD wife pulled a dirty one on me, the detales are to long but we all know what they are capable of and to top it off she sends the same dirty clothes he wore yesterday, back to me in his clothes bag. Very childish. I always send his clothes back washed. She wants me to be a ghost in s9 life. She is getting worse, I thought I saw her worse, I fear not. I will take the high road and she can take the low road. My boundaries are going to drive her crazy. She is doing the things the judge told her not to do.