Introduce myself + "I need help"

[Dizzy Princess]

Hello I am 49, married 26 years have 3 kids; have been in therapy for depression for the last 3 years and grew up with a depressed, alcoholic and suicidal father and controlling but absent mother.

My husband and I have "overcome" many challenges including being of different race, culture, and religion. I met and married my spouse while in service as a Peace Corps Volunteer. We have changed countries 4x and have live with very limited income in many situations. So whenever there were episodes of depression happened they could be "explained" by what was going on.  But instead of things getting better now it's been getting worse.

I just found out about BPD after starting to read "stop walking on eggshells" and believe this is what my husband has.  The love of my life has been depressed and suicidal on and off our whole relationship and I have made excuses for years. I am always hoping "my real husband will be home." I have felt very sad, lonely and scared to talk on many occasions.  Although I am not afraid for my safety, I know that things are not right. Now my husband doesn't want anything to do with our oldest son who is 21 and this is by far the hardest situation I never imagined facing.

My husband is very loved and respected person who is very respectful and hard working.  I have only recently started to confide in friends and family that I suspect he has more than depression.  Some are making me feel that there is something wrong with me "for putting up with this" and they know very little about how he shuts down or his mood swings.  Mostly they love him very much and think he is wonderful as he seems to be almost too good to be true outside our home.  I have tried over the years to get him into counseling for depression but he thinks he is over it.  He is aware that I have talked to some friends about our personal problems and it creates a great deal of shame. 

Yet I am hopeful having found this website and the wealth of information Here which I am currently devouring - actually feeling good thinking "this is real" and "it's not me"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello Dizzy Princess,

It sounds like you've lived an adventurous life, and in helping others along the way, all the better.

You also wrote quite a bit in your profile, and the suicidal tendencies, not to mention the attempts, must have been very stressful on you and the kids. In your profile, you mentioned drinkng and gambling. Are these ongoing annoyances, or are they addictions which threaten the family structure? What happened with S21?

Though you have every right to seek outside support, the fact that he knows this likely triggers his shame, and core shame ("I'm a bad person" is a trait of BPD. The cultural component may also be a significant factor here as well. My Ex is from an Old World culture, and despite her anger over certain aspects of her home culture, she tended to act them out. Given your FOO (family of origen), maybe you can relate. I call it "cultural inertia," and it can be very hard to break free from the dysfunctional dynamics with which we grew up.

In addition to what you've been reading, make a look at the lessons to the right of this board. You aren't responsible for his behaviors, but as partners, we can learn to utilize new communication styles which can help reduce conflict. Where there is will, there is hope 



Turkish

[Dizzy Princess]

Thank you Turkish-

BTW my husband is Polynesian and my background is Hispanic.

The gambling is an annoyance unpredictable it may happen once this year and maybe 3 weeks in a row then  he's buying $200 worth of scratchers and then nothing.  There wasn't any drinking for years when we were outside the USA. My husband now drinks after work with coworkers at least once a week.  The problem drinking is when he's at a celebration with a lot of people and he doesn't feel comfortable and drinks too much then he's driving... .  Last Mother's Day he totaled his car after he fell asleep at the wheel. Yes this is very stressful.

My S21 has also been depressed and has been suicidal in the past and when then the last incident with his father which is even more distressing but we talk regularly and he is trying to finish up his college semester staying with good friends trying to decide to move out of the area or not. My son stood up for himself and he wouldn't let my husband leave after he told my son he was worthless and what he was studying was not worthy and my son said no I want to be happy... .You can't keep telling everyone we have to be miserable because we can only do what you want. My son has be telling me for years that I have been protecting my husband and making myself weak but I have been doing all the work taking care of everyone for years. Now I am trying to get myself out of these behaviors.  It cannot be a him or me situation.

Have been reading the lessons. Appreciate the support.

[Turkish]

Good for your son for standing up to him. That shows that he's able to differentiate himself as an individual. In famies with addiction, personality disorders, or general dysfunction, it can be hard for children to do this.

From what your son said, I hear pain, but also resentment. The good thing is that you are taking the initiative to change. Hopefully, your son will see that in a positive light. You can model this to him, and also your younger kids, who I assume are still at home. You deserve to take care of yourself as well:

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[Dizzy Princess]

Read through the thread you recommended and so much of what others shared holds true for me... .

WOW It's like being in a chess game that I constantly but don't want play because I self censor myself or do things for him hoping he stays in a good mood. It's a damned if you do, dammed if you don't.  I am constantly reminding myself of his good side thinking in my head what I'd like to say but don't.

Mostly I am sad I am wishing for an equal and a true partner but I have settled for what is going on.

Not resentful not angry but really really sad. I feel stupid and manipulated and conditioned after years of bad behavior. But I love him. I am the point of I don't know how to have fun anymore. It's like I am only taking care of his moods, house work, making sure the bills get paid, the kids... .

Am I doing this to myself then because I have been coping not really living? 

What's crazy is that I am a very outspoken and active community member and organizer who works with people in crisis on a daily basis. 

I have strong loving trusting friends who have been there for me no matter what but up to now those close friends have only known about H's depression and the suicide attempts and my depression. I have not been so explicit about the rest of the behavior because it doesn't make sense.

 

I started counseling because I was overwhelmed, not sleeping, wasn't taking care of myself at all and my H wasn't even in the same state having been working away for months away from home getting to see him maybe 1 weekend every 4-6 weeks.

How do I continue to deal with my H who does stuff like kick my S out, then  blames me for it the next day then doesn't talk to me for days, then asks me to take him off the health insurance because he doesn't exists anymore, then texts me to keep him on it, the talks to me he calmly says he loves me but asks for a divorce because otherwise he may blow his brains out, then says that I convinced him to keep our S on the insurance so I am against H, the next day H says how much he loves me no matter what let's fool around, so we do, a while later he says that this doesn't change anything he still wants a divorce... .

Every time things like this happen I try not to beat myself up for giving in to sex... .sometimes I believe our physical intimacy is the only authentic communication we have left... .  but of course I question myself up and down about it because this sounds like my H has BPD but now I can forgive myself because taking care of myself means having sex once in a while with the man I love.

I feel like crying right now.

[Dizzy Princess]

So the last post was about my feeling guilty and confused and sad on top of all the crap going on at home. I was at work on my lunch break trying to put into words how I feel maybe getting things out of my system will help besides reading. 

I am starting a new thread with a better subject line... .One seeking out women with 20+ years with uBPD husbands to ask for advice on learning to talk to their spouses after so many years etc.

Mother's Day was sad for me because when my S21 called me I couldn't talk or didn't talk to him because I was near my H - I need to stop doing this.

[SingOn]

This all sounds so difficult! I was (and at times still am) stuck in that world of tip-toeing around not to disturb the peace. But since you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, might as well don't! What I mean is, I learned (am still learning) that even if I appease his demands or humor him or whatever, he'll find something else to pick on. So do what YOU think is right for yourself. It's a long process. I read somewhere here to "detach with love", and I really hope to get there someday. Actually, I'd like to start a thread on that! It also sounds like your H really needs help, help that you can't give him. It's not your fault.

I, too, am often sad at the time I've lost, the mistakes I've made, not protecting my daughters  :'( - grieving, is what my T says. It's part of the process. 

Also, you mention your good friends and life outside the home. Rely on them. Let them mirror your true voice and beauty back. Recognize your competence in your work, the good you are doing. THAT is you.

[Dizzy Princess]

I was (and at times still am) stuck in that world of tip-toeing... .

Thank you for the validation SingOn-

it is a process and as I continue sharing here I am gaining understanding that is helping me trust myself again.  With all the mixed messages over so much time my confidence went out the window... .

Talking to my friends is helpful but it is hard for me to leave as that is my H's behavior to say something and leave... .Need to stop talking myself out of doing things I want to do