How do I respond/react/deal with situations like this?

[Yepanotherone]

I had a potentially catastrophic afternoon today .

My DD16 planned to go into school today (we are still waiting for homebound school services to commence) to pick up some maths work she could be doing, hand in some work for Art, and then attend the Drivers Ed class.  This was pretty much her first trip back into the school since her recent hospitalization .

So I dropped her off and drove home to get some housework done. 20 mins later, I received a text "can you come pick me up. I'm feeling really overwhelmed and I can't do drivers Ed today"

When I picked her up, she had tears flowing down her cheeks (she NEVER cries!), she got into the car and said " I can't do school mum, how am I going to do school, look at this maths work, I don't understand any of it, and how am I ever going to get my drivers license if I can't go to the class".  As any mum does, I tried to sooth and reassure her as we drove home. I've got "validate and SET" going through my head as I try to choose my words carefully.

As soon as we got into the house, she ran upstairs to her room and closed her door. So I sat on the sofa for a few mins wondering what next to do. She hates me going into her room when she's upset and she isnt' good at all at opening up.  So I sit on the sofa... .worrying if she's harming herself, wanting to comfort her yet knowing she will literally just yell at me to get out of her room.

I gave her ten mins or so then ventured upstairs , knocked on her door. She was lying in bed on her phone, eyes puffy with crying, sitting texting on her phone.  I asked her if there's anything I could do for her, she just shook her head and said quietly, just leave me alone . So I told her I'm just downstairs if she needs me, and I went back down again to sit on the sofa, wondering what on earth she was potentially doing to herself, reassuring myself that I think I've locked up all the razers and the only pills sitting on her bathroom cabinet are fish oil supplements.

After about 45 mins, she came downstairs and started making herself something to eat, all seems fine. I quickly skim the visible areas of her skin to see if I spot anything new, but nothing I can see so far. We sat and watched some funny tv shows and she seems fine.

My fear is this... .I just dont' know how to handle her when she's upset. She is like a shut book and just will not talk to me. SHe completely shuts me out. And it's so scary . I don't know how to get her to open up. I don't know how best to comfort her as she pushes me away when she's upset and wants to be on her own. If I push myself on her she gets mad. So I've learned to just give her her space.

This is hell

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Yes, Fellow-hurtin'-Mom... .it can be hell!

In reading your post, it seems to me that you are doing everything right... .listening, validating... .telling her that you are close by.  You've done your homework well!

It would be so nice if there was a button to take away all the stress and make things "normal"... .immediately... .but not gonna happen!  Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone.  Don't lose confidence in yourself.  You are doing the best you can at this moment in time.

Hugs (--) to you!

[Nikki15]

I agree. Sounds like you were brilliant. The way that you handled her was the best you could have done. I know that it's painful and frustrating and goes on and on. The best thing you can do in addition is to work on helping yourself, being kind to yourself and trying to have some sort of life of your own. It's so hard to accept how limited the help we can give these kids is, but it's the truth. We can only be there and wait until they are ready to help themselves. I have had counselling for myself for the last few weeks- felt horribly selfish at first- but I think it's one of the best things I could do to help my whole family.xxxx

[bpdmom1]

I think it is great that she can share with you how overwhelmed she feels!  My daughter instead hides that she is overwhelmed and has a melt down and lashes out instead without anyone knowing what is really going on.  She would instead state that she hates math (doesn't care if she passes) and isn't going to learn to drive, which she has done just that, but with different subjects than math.  If I were in your shoes I would try to find a solution to drivers ed and math.  I would think maybe drivers training outside of school or finding available math tutors.  Probably she just wants to be listened to instead of offering solutions and where I fail.

[michmom]

Hello Yep,

When faced with this over the last three weeks with my D, I just walk up to her, hold my arms wide open and let her react.  Sometimes she cries, sometimes she just hugs back and sometime she looks at me and says "NOT NOW".  I have learned that any words spoken by me during a trigger reaction is a compounding trigger for my D and only makes it worse.  You are doing the right thing by validating and remind yourself not to take it personally when your daughter can't engage with you.  Remember, it takes time to practice our new skills and to accept that our children don't understand or appreciate our contribution.  At this point they cannot perceive the world the way we do. I know for my daughter the feeling of being overwhelmed is because her thoughts don't stop when she becomes afraid and everything, including me are threats.  I know how frustrated and angry and helpless I have felt trying to help my daughter, my torment in all of this was just a sliver of what she experiences everyday.  I now tell her with conviction "you are very smart, you can solve this problem, if you need me I am here, I really want to hear later, what you came up with"

Some days are just better than others.   



   

[jellibeans]

I think you handled that well... .that is the way to do it. I think the one thing I learned was at times I just needed to deal with tolerating the discomfort... .I was so quick to try and fix and advise... .I was robbing my dd of the opportunity to solve her own problems. You really did great... .try to ask her the questions to help her solve her problems... .like... .what support do you need to go to drivers ed? Is there another way to get your license? etc... .

[lbjnltx]

Asking validating questions vs offering solutions will help her learn to solve her own problems with support. 

Building our relationships with our kids... .small talk, quiet time together, laughing, singing, etc... .will help build trust and they may become more comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings with us during the good and bad times. 

You did well in not forcing yourself into her situation/space.  And jellibeans is very correct that sitting in our own discomfort is truly a sacrifice our kids need us to  make for them.  Our inability to let our kids deal with the consequences of their choices can prompt us to rescue/enable and curbs their opportunities to learn and make different choices in the future.

It's tough being a parent and tougher parenting a teen with BPD traits. 

lbj

[Yepanotherone]

Thankyou everyone for your replies

I'm sitting on the sofa yet again knawing my knuckles, my stomach in knots . I've made a few mistakes today and I'm feeling rotten

So here are my issues arising today.

1) my daughter is currently off school, we are awaiting homebound services but doesn't look like that's going to happen as its too close to the end of the semester. We have agreed with my D that she can enroll in virtual school for next semester and we all attended an information evening last week. The principal there made it clear she wanted the potential students to fill out the online application themselves . So enrollment day was yesterday and I reminded my D of this fact . Today she still hadn't done it so I gently reminded her it was something she had to do. I guided her to the website and she filled out the form. All good so far.

Given that she's off school right now, her teachers have given her some easy things she can do to salvage some of her credits for this semester rather than losing them all. However she's not doing much of it at all . Eg the PE teacher has asked her to take a 20 min walk three times a week and keep a log of it which she can hand into him at the end of Semester. I've gently reminded her a couple of times and almost devised the log for her to complete myself, but then decided against doing that. So with a little pushing today , she put together a log but had missed out a lot of activities she's doneI told her she needed to give herself credit for this and suggested she might want to add in the things she had missed out . I also suggested she should email a couple of her teachers directly so as they know she's still caring about stuff as they are much more likely to still give her some credits is she shows some interest . So she grudgingly emailed one of her teachers . So now things are going downhill... .

Onto the fait accomplait... .

The drivers Ed again!... .She has been told by drivers Ed class teacher she has to make up the 3 missed classes in order to pass and has been given some alternative class dates to do this . Now I know getting her license is really important to her so I suggested she could go to a make up class available tonight. She merely responded " no ". Then she went on to say she doesn't see why she needs to do it anyway. I texted her the link about the need to get the drivers Ed in order to be able to apply for her license. She said " don't bother sending me that, I'm not going to read it because I don't care about the drivers Ed class. I just need my license". So this is where I went terribly wrong

[Yepanotherone]

My apologies for repetitive posting! I can't seem to figure this out ! Is there a maximum number of words that I can post in any one post?

Anyway , to continue my woes... .