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Author Topic: I'm losing everyone  (Read 379 times)
NotSure13
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« on: April 29, 2016, 09:07:39 PM »

First post. Thanks for the forum.

My wife has clinically diagnosed BPD. We've know for about a year. We've been together almost 5 and have a 3 yo daughter and 9 yo from her first marriage.

I feel like I'm dying by the day. We have severe verbal arguments about once a month, mostly pertaining to my friends and family. She hates them, all of them. Granted, I vented to them the first few years and that set a poor precedent. However since the BPD diagnosis I have been doing my best to educate them and bring them back around - it's hit and miss.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I basically barred from seeing them. Rather, not barred, but if I want to see them she tells me that I am not on her side and guilt trips me to death and gets very angry.

The only time we have real problems is when I stand my ground. I feel like if I don't stand my ground, I am enabling her and losing any remaining power I have in the relationship. Today is one of those days. I am refusing to concede and I'm going to my sister's birthday party tomorrow against the adamant wishes of my wife.

Any who, without dragging this out to long, I'm hoping get to find out if I'm doing the right thing. Everytime this happens we threaten divorce at eachother and she also theatens to go find a man who can properly take care of her needs.

I honestly feel like this might take decades off my life; I feel like I could die of a heart attack tomorrow... .I'm a healthy 38 year old.

I can't do this much longer. I'm angry all the time. I used to be an optimist, now I'm empty and hurting inside.

I feel like she is turning me into a BPD like her. I snap a lot now. I'm less productive at work. I have no fuse left, or gas in the tank to keep trying. I feel like a failure. This is not me. I am not this person. How do I get myself back :'(
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

hope2727
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« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2016, 09:36:31 PM »

So sorry you are enduring this. I too lost friends. My relationship ended so take this with a grain of salt. But here is the truth. You have to get out of the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and rebuild those relationships. Learn about boundaries. Learn to set and maintain them. She will rage and lash out but you will get through that and it will get better. You have to take care of you first and foremost to be any use to anyone else. Put your own oxygen mask on first so to speak.

Ok hugs and courage.
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Herodias
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« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2016, 09:51:41 PM »

So sorry you are going through this. I know what you mean about snapping allot too. I think when things are bad like this at home, we tend to rage out at other people, because we can't win at home. I have done it a few times during my marriage. You should be able to do what you want with your friends and if they don't get along, do it separately. I actually think it is good to have interests  with other people, because it gives you something to talk about with your partner instead of being together 24/7. They seem to be very jealous though. I know my friends and even my family didn't want to be around my husband. They tried for the longest time, but it got worse and worse. You have to calm yourself and think about what is best for you and your kids. It isn't easy what ever you do... .Don't get yourself so stressed you have a heart attack. These relationships do put a strain on your health though. If you are asking for permission to leave, you don't need it. You obviously have strong support if you do. If you stand your ground, you may be lucky and she will get over it, but more than likely she will see it as abandoning her. You may see the wrath of her even more. Only you can know what you can handle. Just try and protect your children. That's a tough situation. We had lots of fights and divorce threats too... .I thought I "won" allot of arguments, but I was put through hell and eventually he found someone else who wouldn't "argue" with him... .yet. He thinks they are meant for each other... These people have a fantasy/child like mind. If you are not doing what they want, they throw a tantrum. You have to decide what you really want in life. It's all really hard... .I am just now rebuilding all of my friendships now that I am out.
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Turkish
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« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2016, 12:51:44 AM »

Maybe a way to look at it isn't power over her, or her power over you (though it feels like that), but your right to do something as innocuous as attending your sister's bd party. 

Realzing that we as individuals have rights to our own values is a key step in withdrawing from the drama. You've found your value, you're asserting a boundary, and you're taking action.

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

What's the history on the Dx? Is your wife in treatment, and have you sought out professional support for yourself?

Turkish
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2016, 05:35:23 AM »

Maybe sharing my perspective will help you stand firm in your decision to see your sister.

I am older than you are, my elderly mother has BPD. My father is deceased. He remained married to my mother.

My mother does the "my side, not my side" thing with people and much of her FOO go along with this. I recall her once confiding in a member and then announcing to us that "she is on my side". I have been her black child and she has painted me black to these family members and friends. At one point she instructed them not to speak to me. It amazed me that they complied. ( I did find out about this when I tried to contact one of them and they replied that they were told to not speak to me and so they would not. ).

I realize that adults have choices, and that they could choose to speak to me or not, but what puzzled me is that they were so compliant with her. If someone insisted to me that I had better not speak to someone I would question that myself- but I guess when it is a "my side" or the other side thing, you either comply or not. It astounded me that they didn't come to this decision because of any conflict between us, but on the basis of her request- as if she had an on -off switch to my relationship with them.

They also maintain that there is nothing wrong with my mother and seem to believe that any conflict between us is because of me.

My father's relatives were gracious enough to not discuss my mother with me in a negative light when I was a child, but as an adult and dealing with this behavior, they told me that they felt something wasn't right with my mother from the beginning. They expressed to me that they hardly saw my father after he got married and it made them sad.

I felt my relationship with my father was contingent on my mother's feelings. If I didn't comply with her, he would get angry at me. I felt that I could not have a separate -individual- relationship with him. Given the choice between "her side" and "my side" he would choose hers.

One of my boundaries is to not be involved in this type of thing at all. I can't control other people and so, if my mother chooses to do this with her family, then that's their business, but the unfortunate result is that it has broken any ties between them and me. She has also tried to do this with my siblings, but if she begins to speak of a sibling to me behind their back, I remind her of my boundary to not participate in bad mouthing other family members. I have repeatedly told her I do not take sides.

I am sharing my perspective with you to encourage you to not participate in the "my side" thing, even if your wife reacts to it negatively. In my mother's case, it didn't apply to just my father's family but with anyone connected to him that she felt was not on her side, including his own kids. Continuing this perspective divided my family. I realize that my father complied with this, in order to keep peace in his marriage, however, this was hurtful to others who loved him- his family, his kids.

It isn't easy to stand up for your right to see the people you care about and if you do, it will be you who faces the relationship consequences. From this perspective, my father's situation made sense. He would have to live with my mother's reactions. We all understood it, but wish it didn't have to be that way.
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Lifewriter16
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Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
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« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2016, 06:19:47 AM »

Hi NotSure13,

Welcome

I feel like I'm dying by the day... .

I honestly feel like this might take decades off my life; I feel like I could die of a heart attack tomorrow... .I'm a healthy 38 year old.

I can't do this much longer. I'm angry all the time. I used to be an optimist, now I'm empty and hurting inside.

I feel like she is turning me into a BPD like her. I snap a lot now. I'm less productive at work. I have no fuse left, or gas in the tank to keep trying. I feel like a failure. This is not me. I am not this person. How do I get myself back :'(

Here's a link that you might find useful.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

It's about codependency. You may be interested to note that symptoms of codependency are very similar to symptoms of BPD which could well be why you feel that you are turning into a BPD like her. You are not, but the sooner you address this issue, the better. Developing a stronger sense of who you are, what you want, setting boundaries and examining what it was about your past that led you into this relationship will all help. Your wife will kick up a real fuss about your boundaries. My BPDbf dysregulates whenever I introduce a new one just as you describe your wife does, saying whatever he can to make me feel he will end the relationship if I continue as I am. It's a bit like a child testing the family rules to be sure you really mean what you say. Once the child knows you mean it, they usually get on with it... .same with pwBPD.

Have courage and go to that birthday party. I don't think you are failing to take care of your wife's needs properly, her needs are disproportionate and no one person could ever fill them. Perhaps she could meet up with a girlfriend if she dreads these family get-togethers and is really trying to get out of it herself.

Love Lifewriter
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NotSure13
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« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2016, 09:13:09 AM »

Thanks for the links and advice everyone. The next few days are going to be really hard.  This morning is already off anD running with sarcasm and insults. I'm just keeping quiet this time.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2016, 10:02:59 AM »

Yes, they will be difficult, but what is on the line here is the choice of appeasing your wife by giving up having contact with people who are important to you. It is unfortunate to be in this situation but given that this is the choice you have at hand.

There are pros and cons to every decision, in addition to short term and long term consequences. One way of looking at this is through a behavioral perspective, which applies to everyone, not just people with BPD.

A reason pwBPD tend to pair up with people with co-dependency is that the behaviors of each person tend to balance each other- and reinforce the unhealthy behaviors of each. Co-dependents tend to be self sacrificing and give in to the demands of others. Read up on positive reinforcement and the extinction burst. People will repeat behavior that works for them.

One example is a kid demanding cookies for dinner. If the parent says no, the kid pitches a fit. If the parent then gives in and lets the kid have cookies for dinner, the kid learns that pitching a fit works and does it whenever the parent says no.

So, if your wife has a fit when you do something she doesn't like ( like visit family) and then you don't - she learns that it works to pitch a fit and so will keep doing this whenever she doesn't like something you do.

You have a couple of choices-

One is to appease her. This will buy you short term peace, but teach her that her behavior works and she will continue it. Each time you appease her, it continues to work. So, to keep the peace, you can continually appease her. This is probably a familiar pattern between the two of you.

One is to visit your sister. She can then have an extinction burst. If you give in, she knows this works, if not, she may try it again until she realizes it doesn't work. She may try other behaviors but if no behaviors on her part works, there is the possibility for this to become a boundary that she knows you won't cross.  This is unfamiliar territory for both of you. It could be uncomfortable to break a familiar pattern, but it is a step towards change if you want that.

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