Need advice asap

[confusedpartner]

I have been with my husband for nearly 12 years. We have been dealing with his BPD symptoms on our own for about 3 years. To be honest, I have been the one dealing with them. He was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago and to this day he refuses to believe it. Currently I am in a graduate program working on specializing on those with mental health issues. One of my classes gave a brief description of BPD, it was everything I knew about it but it did not show us any techniques on how to help someone with BPD. I am on my last wave of hope. My husband and I have three children together and we all talk about the person who knew before his BPD and how we can get him back. About a week ago I broke down and gave him an ultimatum of either getting help or leaving. His mother said he could not go with her because she is aware of his diagnosis and at her elderly condition she cannot help him. So he called his "best friend" and he is there. I used to think he was safe there but his friend just recently started using cocaine again. I am in tremendous fear for my husband. I do not know what to do to help him see that he should not be there and that he needs to get help. I cry every night because I do not want to lose him. I want to show him that as a team we can get through this together. For the last few days he has been flip flopping between coming home and getting help to cussing me out. Do you have any advice on how I can get through to him?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Hi confusedpartner

The frustration you feel is quite normal, it is good that you find this forum to give you the strength to get through this

Probably the best approach for you is to stick to this  boundary.

You cannot control your husbands decision to see a therapist or get into treatment. Put yourself into his shoes - no one likes to be told what to do or that they need help. So if the approach wouldn't be palatable to you, it probably won't be something he will be receptive to either.

A relevant discussion you may which to browse through

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Waverider

[livednlearned]

Hi confusedpartner,

Welcome and hello 

It's so tough when the help is there and they won't take it. It must feel so confusing and frustrating and sad. And on top of everything, you have three kids and are in a graduate program. You have a lot on your plate.

There are communication skills that can help mitigate the conflict, and members here have lots of experience applying them. We can walk alongside you and support you as you pick these skills up and practice them.

What are some of the behaviors causing problems for you at the moment? Maybe we can focus in on one thing and start there.

What happened 3 years ago that led to his diagnosis?

Glad you found the site and hope to hear back from you when you have a chance and feel comfortable telling us more about what's happening in your marriage.

LnL