What should I do?

[Tobiasfunke]

I received a text from my ex stating she had a doctor appointment and could I bring the boys to practice? No problem if I can't. (Right).  I asked myself why she would schedule these appointments on her nights but why ask why at this point we all get its useless to try to use logic and reason but I digress. When we arrived at her house upon entering and ungodly stench and a scene resembling break in welcomed us. I asked the boys how long it's been like this. They were unfazed so obviously a while. Dirty Laundry mail everywhere. The whole but. I don't claim to be a neat freak and the chores can get away from any of us but this is crazy. I don't want my kids to suffer I don't want to push her deeper into whatever she's going thru but come on. I half wanted to start the laundry and dishwasher. I'm at a loss tonight. She doesn't value the time she has the kids. And she's slipping on every level. I wish this nightmare would end. She doesn't respect boundaries and takes advantage of me because I won't say no to doing things for the boys. Sux

[JayReader27]

Hi, I would document everything, ask the kids to take pictures of the house and send them to you. Ask them what the cleaning routine is, and the whole nine. I would also keep a small calendar that you mark which days are hers and make little notes on how cooperative she was, and how the kids were.

It sounds like she is in a fully dependent state. This is where I believe that BPD's behavioral patterns mimic that of a small child's. Where they want anyone to baby them, or show some type of affection. It sounds like she is in a massive depression. I would also ask the kids if they are being fed, and cared for in other ways as well. I would also try to make sure that they know there will not be consequences if they do decide to speak up. Validation, guidance, and love is what they will need if they do show signs of neglect.

Do not let this slip. I would ask a lawyer to see if you can take SOME more visitation time(depending on who the custodial parent is) away from her until she proves she can get it together. Nobody deserves to live like that.

[FamilyLaw]

Absolutely, under no circumstances, ask the kids to take pictures of the mess.  Do not put them in the middle.  If you do, you will seriously tick off a judge and any mental health professionals who become involved.  They will likely put you down as a controlling, alienating parent.

If you have the opportunity to be in the house again, you take pictures.  Document how many times she gives up her parenting time.  Document behaviors by her that suggest that she cannot cope.  Always be available for your kids, so that they know that your home is a safe space and that they can count on you.  Never say anything that could be construed as negative about their Mother.  Learn to validate their feelings without being negative.  Otherwise you may be seen as the problem.

[bravhart1]

Would it be appropriate to call CPS? Tell them what you saw and have them do a welfare check? Perhaps she needs a mental health professional to evaluate her.

They may direct her to some organization which can help give her the guidance to figure out the whole housekeeping, organizing, cleaning thing. And maybe even some classes in childcare.

I do not agree to asking the kids to take pics, you should have taken those yourself when you came upon that scene.( without the kids seeing you do it)

Maybe send ex a email asking if you can take kids for the rest of the school year so that she can get herself together? She may just jump at the opportunity.

[Panda39]

If you can, do get a few pictures to document the scene. Do not ask your kids to do this.  You might however ask to take their picture and get some of the background.  My SO took a few pictures of his uBPDxw's townhouse (and of course was never allowed back in the house) his pictures showed the mess up to the dog feces on the floor.  We later were able to get more pictures from the landlord that evicted her (2nd of 3 evictions). This was presented to the CE and court the CE went so far as to say the house was disgusting. This was part of what helped my SO get primary custody of his daughters.  Mom got 3 weekends a month.  Unfortunately the girls still had to go live with her on those weekends. The good news for them was that mom was evicted so many times she had to move into hotels... .maid service!

How much time are the kids at her house? Does she rent?  Contacting the landlord might also be an option. 

I think the other part of this is to set an example by keeping your house clean and orderly so your kids see the difference.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Ulysses]

I asked myself why she would schedule these appointments on her nights

Perhaps to keep you focused on her? 

I echo the sentiment that I would never ask my kids to take pictures and report on what is going on at their other parent's house.  That is putting them in the middle, maybe making them choose sides, certainly could bring up unhealthy feelings.  Plus, when it comes to telling you about the goings-on, depending on the age of the child, you are getting the information through the filter of a child.  As an example, when my D was 6, she told me her dad had a ton of beer in his fridge.  I didn't say anything, but thought it was weird because for the 24 years we were together, neither of us drank alcohol.  Then the following week she told me how her dad had a big party/barbeque.  So then it made sense.  But also, what's "a ton" to a 6 year old?  Maybe he only had 6 bottles or something.  It's hard to know sometimes when it comes through a child's viewpoint. 

I'm sorry for the state of the place your kids are in with her.  How old are they?  In  my state, CPS is known to be pretty awful - following up on things they shouldn't, not following up on things they should, and kids dying.  It's been years of some pretty bad decisions and policymakers not doing much, so I would hesitate before I called CPS.  How would it affect your children if you did?  How would it affect you?