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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: feeling anger.  (Read 371 times)
bus boy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« on: May 08, 2016, 03:54:44 PM »

I'm feeling anger today. Anger at the fact that the alianation of s9 out of my life is really sinking in and anger, and this probably sounds horrible, that's why I'm writing for advice, at s9. I know he's only 9 but he just will not call me between access visits. I even called his school the other day and he didn't call back. I've been there for his whole life, never left him, always tried to reinforce in him how much I'm there for him. His mother kept such tight control over him except with her parents, her father could come and go as he pleased with s9. Before I pushed the court order at least he called. Most times he wasn't given my messages or texts but he called. She would let me go to her house to visit but no father and son time. She was creating the absence of me out of s9 life. S9 would tell me when I would put him to bed, how much he misses me. I took her back to court to get my proper access and now she's worse than ever. I want to ask s9 what's going on, why no phone call. What is going through his little mind? S9 never saw his mother treat me with respect, her bf has full father freedoms with s9. Is s9 thinking what is going on? Is he going to confused about what roll a father plays in a child's life? It's been a week since I saw or talked to s9 and I won't see him until Wednesday,  if he even comes, she claims the visits are to hard on  s9. I use to text for him to call before he goes to bed and I would get a text hours later,  " he's in bed" or " he doesn't want to talk to you"  it hurts so much. I don't text or call anymore. She looks at me as a nothing. I just want to sit s9 down and ask him what is going on. S9 doesn't seem to be attached to me like other son's are to there father's.  He doesn't show any excitement or emotion when I pick him up and he's always wanting to go home, always saying he misses his 1 year old second cousin. He seems brain washed with her and s9 mother fully expects me to give up my access time e so s9 can see his cousin. I've went into depth on this topic with my T and she says it's very abnormal r/s. S9 is almost in tears when he says he misses his cousin, who s9 s9s more than he sees me. S9 mother has a very peculiar r/s with her immediate family they are creepy close not regular family close. One time we were going good to visit her parents and water started pouring out of the ceiling. That didn't stop her, she was still going. I said we can't go, we have to find do the source of the water. She said I told my family is was visiting they are waiting. She saw them at least 4 times a week so it's not like it was a do or die visit. S9 is surrounded by this mentality so I fear  I take a back seat in s9 life, he has been thought that from day one. My family doesn't even come into the equation. 
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drummerboy5
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 144


« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2016, 04:00:36 PM »

I'm feeling anger today. Anger at the fact that the alianation of s9 out of my life is really sinking in and anger, and this probably sounds horrible, that's why I'm writing for advice, at s9. I know he's only 9 but he just will not call me between access visits. I even called his school the other day and he didn't call back. I've been there for his whole life, never left him, always tried to reinforce in him how much I'm there for him. His mother kept such tight control over him except with her parents, her father could come and go as he pleased with s9. Before I pushed the court order at least he called. Most times he wasn't given my messages or texts but he called. She would let me go to her house to visit but no father and son time. She was creating the absence of me out of s9 life. S9 would tell me when I would put him to bed, how much he misses me. I took her back to court to get my proper access and now she's worse than ever. I want to ask s9 what's going on, why no phone call. What is going through his little mind? S9 never saw his mother treat me with respect, her bf has full father freedoms with s9. Is s9 thinking what is going on? Is he going to confused about what roll a father plays in a child's life? It's been a week since I saw or talked to s9 and I won't see him until Wednesday,  if he even comes, she claims the visits are to hard on  s9. I use to text for him to call before he goes to bed and I would get a text hours later,  " he's in bed" or " he doesn't want to talk to you"  it hurts so much. I don't text or call anymore. She looks at me as a nothing. I just want to sit s9 down and ask him what is going on. S9 doesn't seem to be attached to me like other son's are to there father's.  He doesn't show any excitement or emotion when I pick him up and he's always wanting to go home, always saying he misses his 1 year old second cousin. He seems brain washed with her and s9 mother fully expects me to give up my access time e so s9 can see his cousin. I've went into depth on this topic with my T and she says it's very abnormal r/s. S9 is almost in tears when he says he misses his cousin, who s9 s9s more than he sees me. S9 mother has a very peculiar r/s with her immediate family they are creepy close not regular family close. One time we were going good to visit her parents and water started pouring out of the ceiling. That didn't stop her, she was still going. I said we can't go, we have to find do the source of the water. She said I told my family is was visiting they are waiting. She saw them at least 4 times a week so it's not like it was a do or die visit. S9 is surrounded by this mentality so I fear  I take a back seat in s9 life, he has been thought that from day one. My family doesn't even come into the equation. 

If you have court orders stating what day and time you get your s9 and your ex doesn't comply she's in contemp of court. Sounds to me she's having bf play father role to push you out because she's the one having a problem with you being around.  Alienating a child from a patent is against the law!
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david
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2016, 06:21:39 PM »

Document facts as much as you can. If you call and you don't talk to him write it down and keep a journal of the dates,times,etc.

Also, make the time you have as normal as possible for him. When our boys said they didn't want to do something I took them anyway when I thought they would enjoy it. Eventually their attitude changed because they enjoyed what we were doing. I was presented with a lot of anger and rejection but persisted though it.

Our boys were 4 and 9 when ex ran away and I became an EOW dad. Ex used some serious alienation tactics and I felt defeated in the beginning. It took my change of attitude, with the help of a therapist, when with them and and new approaches. Eventually they began to see I wasn't the monster they were convinced I was. It took about three or four years.

I documented all that I could and went back to court. Ex delayed for close to three years but eventually she ran out of delay tactics. The courts ordered a custody eval (our third one). The evaluator recommended everything I was seeking and I got 50/50.

It took a lot of time, money, and patience but I persisted.
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