Should I finish the roller coaster?

[Sanna]

After living for 2 years in an emotional roller coaster, I finally figured out that my husband has borderline. He has 8 of 9 symptoms, and is a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. The loving person makes me stay, but Mr Hyde is soon driving me away, don´t know what to do... .the worst things are that he is very controlling, jealous and suspicious. Some of my friends took off, we are never invited to family events or other social events, because he behaves very strange around other people. He hates when I see my friends alone, so that I reduced to a minimum because I don´t want to fight. I read a couple of good books about BPD, and tries to follow the advices, specially to prevent fights. That just made me feel like he could walk all over me, maybe I did something wrong... .anyway... .our last fight was horrible, he gave me the could shoulder, refused to speak with me, walked out of the room when I entered, for some reason that I didn´t understand. (of course) . When I asked him to explain himself, he started his usual routine that is I am wrong for him, he will leave and find a better wife, I am bad, I am a whore, I have no class, and so on. (don´t remember all the horrible things, thanks to god) Finally, despite all the advices in the books, I packed a bag and was planning to take off. I couldn´t stand one more second in this hostile environment. He got furious, tried to block my way, screamed very loud, threatend me, and pushed me so I fell to the floor. He also pinched me very hard on my arm.He is very scary when angry.  I kept calm, and told him I am not afraid of him, and took my bag and left.

We are back together now, but I am confused... .everyone says I should leave him, and a part of me does also, but another part wants to stay... .for the first time I can feel a "we" in the relationship... .please give me some advice. Somewhere I have hopes for the future, and that he will change, though that I know " I shouldn´t" wish for that. I feel also guilt, because I feel I made the situation worse by "abandoning" him.

Anyone else who has been in the same situation?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dacoming]

Sorry to hear the pain you are going through.  I can definitely identify as can others on this board.  I constantly struggle because part of me wants to leave and another part wants to stay.  My wife is very controlling, extremely jealous and suspicious of everything it seems.  This leads me to not want to talk to her about things, even simple stuff, because she often takes things and turn them around into something bad.  Therefore, when she finds out, it looks like I'm lying and keeping things from her.

Reading this board has helped me to deal with things better.  Just getting stuff off my chest is a relief.  People on here are going through similar, and sometimes the same things.  I try not to blow up and validate her feelings the best I can which often means apologizing when I don't feel I've done anything wrong.  This tears me up inside.  There are times when her onslaughts break my spirit and I lose all hope.  Just try to realize that it is not you!  My wife has gotten better in some ways but it seems she's worse in others.  She is undiagnosed so she feels I'm the one with the problems and I need to change.  That makes it hard for her to fix anything because in her mind, she's never wrong.  One thing I will say, do NOT allow him to physically abuse you under any circumstance!  If it gets violent once, it will likely happen again because BPDs cannot regulate their anger.  Some direct it at themselves but others, at the other spouse.

[ArleighBurke]

How old are you - if you don't mind?

Living with a borderline is very draining. Mine is not physically abusive, but I read many people on these boards say that the abuse will not stop. That's a big red flag to me.

I think every partner on this website is torn - we all love our BPDs, yet are torn by the conflict. Some choose to stay, some choose to leave. It's certainly a personal choice.

Why do you want to stay? What is it about him or the relationship that keeps you?

And just to be clear - there is NO end to the rollercoaster. It may be a little less scary - you may know what is coming, but you will always be on it... .

[Sanna]

Sorry to hear the pain you are going through.  I can definitely identify as can others on this board.  I constantly struggle because part of me wants to leave and another part wants to stay.  My wife is very controlling, extremely jealous and suspicious of everything it seems.  This leads me to not want to talk to her about things, even simple stuff, because she often takes things and turn them around into something bad.  Therefore, when she finds out, it looks like I'm lying and keeping things from her.

Reading this board has helped me to deal with things better.  Just getting stuff off my chest is a relief.  People on here are going through similar, and sometimes the same things.  I try not to blow up and validate her feelings the best I can which often means apologizing when I don't feel I've done anything wrong.  This tears me up inside.  There are times when her onslaughts break my spirit and I lose all hope.  Just try to realize that it is not you!  My wife has gotten better in some ways but it seems she's worse in others.  She is undiagnosed so she feels I'm the one with the problems and I need to change.  That makes it hard for her to fix anything because in her mind, she's never wrong.  One thing I will say, do NOT allow him to physically abuse you under any circumstance!  If it gets violent once, it will likely happen again because BPDs cannot regulate their anger.  Some direct it at themselves but others, at the other spouse.

Thank you so much for your answer! It is such relief to talk to other people in the same situation. I recognize everything your wife is doing! Now he is obsessing over my acupuncturist, because he is a man, he is so jealous and wants me to quit the treatment, claim it doesn´t help (despite I assure him it does) and wishes that he had a "normal wife" that doesn´t go to acupuncture... .sigh... .My friends and family just don´t understand, and  think I am a brainwashed victim that stays with him. I just don´t know what to do if it happens again. It is hard to try to walk away, it triggers him more... .and shall I leave, when I feel I am not ready to leave? How do I show I don´t accept any violence? I am so confused... .

[Sanna]

How old are you - if you don't mind?

Living with a borderline is very draining. Mine is not physically abusive, but I read many people on these boards say that the abuse will not stop. That's a big red flag to me.

I think every partner on this website is torn - we all love our BPDs, yet are torn by the conflict. Some choose to stay, some choose to leave. It's certainly a personal choice.

Why do you want to stay? What is it about him or the relationship that keeps you?

And just to be clear - there is NO end to the rollercoaster. It may be a little less scary - you may know what is coming, but you will always be on it... .

I am 44 and my partner is 40. When I am met him, it was the first time I ever felt a "we", and that someone really loved me, was proud of me, wanted to show the world that I am his woman. My history is full of emotionally unavailable men. Now I met a very available man, but with a high price to pay... .I use to joke that I asked the universe for a man that really loved me and wanted to be close to me,but I forgot the small print... . (if it´s the right expression in english... ) Oh god... .but I think I read somewhere that BPD can fade away when aging?

[dacoming]

My friends and family just don´t understand, and  think I am a brainwashed victim that stays with him. I just don´t know what to do if it happens again. It is hard to try to walk away, it triggers him more... .and shall I leave, when I feel I am not ready to leave? How do I show I don´t accept any violence? I am so confused... .

You can only leave when YOU feel ready.  It's easy for people to comment when on the outside and not in the situation.  If you have somewhere you can go, you should go there when/if he gets violent again or even verbally aggressive.  Let him know then that you love him but will not tolerate being treated that way EVER!  He will probably apologize and promise not to do it again but you probably should not come back immediately if possible.  Make him see you are serious.  The other option is to call the police.

[an0ught]

Hi Sanna,

Oh god... .but I think I read somewhere that BPD can fade away when aging?

The different issues a pwBPD brings into a relationship lead to a downward spiral. BPD almost by definition tends to make situations worse over time.

Change is possible but that does not happen by itself. Learning behavior takes effort and time. For the relationship to be stable and doing well the changes on both sides matter. Some things can be stabilized if the partner has good skills. Some things are only in the hands of the pwBPD. PwBPD don't choose to suffer deliberately but well somehow they manage to choose suffering more often than not. A healthy environment can help a lot making healthy choices.

Patience is here very necessary. Waiting by itself however would not be a good strategy. Fixing ourself and our lives is.

[Sanna]

My friends and family just don´t understand, and  think I am a brainwashed victim that stays with him. I just don´t know what to do if it happens again. It is hard to try to walk away, it triggers him more... .and shall I leave, when I feel I am not ready to leave? How do I show I don´t accept any violence? I am so confused... .

You can only leave when YOU feel ready.  It's easy for people to comment when on the outside and not in the situation.  If you have somewhere you can go, you should go there when/if he gets violent again or even verbally aggressive.  Let him know then that you love him but will not tolerate being treated that way EVER!  He will probably apologize and promise not to do it again but you probably should not come back immediately if possible.  Make him see you are serious.  The other option is to call the police.

The problem is that the two times he got violent, was when I wanted to leave the situation... he couldn´t handle being "abandoned" ... .so it feels like a catch 22... .if I leave, then for sure I know he will get violent... .:/ Oh god, it is so hard... .do you think it is a good idea to bring it up now afterwards? When he is calm? And tell him this behavior is not acceptable, and that I must leave him if it happens again? Or maybe that will make him more nervous and angry... .well, hard for you to know, I know! haha! Damn it, why o why didn´t I leave when I got the first warning signals... .:/

[dacoming]

My friends and family just don´t understand, and  think I am a brainwashed victim that stays with him. I just don´t know what to do if it happens again. It is hard to try to walk away, it triggers him more... .and shall I leave, when I feel I am not ready to leave? How do I show I don´t accept any violence? I am so confused... .

You can only leave when YOU feel ready.  It's easy for people to comment when on the outside and not in the situation.  If you have somewhere you can go, you should go there when/if he gets violent again or even verbally aggressive.  Let him know then that you love him but will not tolerate being treated that way EVER!  He will probably apologize and promise not to do it again but you probably should not come back immediately if possible.  Make him see you are serious.  The other option is to call the police.

The problem is that the two times he got violent, was when I wanted to leave the situation... he couldn´t handle being "abandoned" ... .so it feels like a catch 22... .if I leave, then for sure I know he will get violent... .:/ Oh god, it is so hard... .do you think it is a good idea to bring it up now afterwards? When he is calm? And tell him this behavior is not acceptable, and that I must leave him if it happens again? Or maybe that will make him more nervous and angry... .well, hard for you to know, I know! haha! Damn it, why o why didn´t I leave when I got the first warning signals... .:/

You are probably going to have to leave without him knowing for your safety.  Hopefully it will be a wakeup call for him.  Does he know he's BPD?  Several therapists have told me that I must demand counseling because that's the only hope of things getting better.  And if she doesn't comply, I need to walk away.  That is hard for me to do... .therefore the problems still exist.  I've asked her multiple times but we haven't been yet.  There's a good chance that will not help... .at least that's what I foresee with her attitude about things.  She second-guesses her doctors and supposed experts about different things because she knows better... .

[Sanna]

" You are probably going to have to leave without him knowing for your safety.  Hopefully it will be a wakeup call for him.  Does he know he's BPD?  Several therapists have told me that I must demand counseling because that's the only hope of things getting better.  And if she doesn't comply, I need to walk away.  That is hard for me to do... .therefore the problems still exist.  I've asked her multiple times but we haven't been yet.  There's a good chance that will not help... .at least that's what I foresee with her attitude about things.  She second-guesses her doctors and supposed experts about different things because she knows better... ."

Yes, I think I have to make an escape plan if it happens again! No, he doesn´t . I tried to tell him several times, but he doesn´t want to listen. And now I read that it´s not good to tell also, so I keep quiet... .he hates therapists, and doesn´t want to listen to that at all. I know, it is so hard to walk away, because I really love him, and feel a very strong bond between us. I start to think if I am addicted to drama? Maybe I don´t want to live in a "normal" relationship, because it gets boring? (actually that is what I used to feel with my former relations, very boring... .)

Who knows.

[dacoming]

I start to think if I am addicted to drama? Maybe I don´t want to live in a "normal" relationship, because it gets boring? (actually that is what I used to feel with my former relations, very boring... .)

Who knows.

Excitement and drama are two different things.  I doubt you signed up for what you are getting.  I hope that you leaving for a while will get him to wise up and change his ways for your sake.  None of us on this board really want our relationships to end although at times I really think I should.

[JohnLove]

Yes, I think I have to make an escape plan if it happens again! No, he doesn´t . I tried to tell him several times, but he doesn´t want to listen. And now I read that it´s not good to tell also, so I keep quiet... .he hates therapists, and doesn´t want to listen to that at all. I know, it is so hard to walk away, because I really love him, and feel a very strong bond between us. I start to think if I am addicted to drama? Maybe I don´t want to live in a "normal" relationship, because it gets boring? (actually that is what I used to feel with my former relations, very boring... .)

Who knows.

Good idea. You teach people how to treat you... .so putting up with abuse is never a good strategy.

Keep asking yourself these questions. Go deeper. Your answer is there. 

[Herodias]

".I use to joke that I asked the universe for a man that really loved me and wanted to be close to me,but I forgot the small print... .smiley (if it´s the right expression in english... ) Oh god... .but I think I read somewhere that BPD can fade away when aging?"

I had the same joke, " I want a man with blue eyes, brown hair and health insurance"... .well that is what I got! That was all I got! I started a thread on age... .check it out. It doesn't seem to change with age I am sorry to say. I wish I would have left when I saw all you are seeing. I waiting through all that then he abused me physical and cheated in my bed! I wish I had my years to take back. Listen to your friends... .they are on your side. They are not out to get you- they don't want to see you hurt. I don't understand why we don' t figure this out- we want to say, but I loovvveeee him... .so stupid.'

[Sanna]

".I use to joke that I asked the universe for a man that really loved me and wanted to be close to me,but I forgot the small print... .smiley (if it´s the right expression in english... ) Oh god... .but I think I read somewhere that BPD can fade away when aging?"

I had the same joke, " I want a man with blue eyes, brown hair and health insurance"... .well that is what I got! That was all I got! I started a thread on age... .check it out. It doesn't seem to change with age I am sorry to say. I wish I would have left when I saw all you are seeing. I waiting through all that then he abused me physical and cheated in my bed! I wish I had my years to take back. Listen to your friends... .they are on your side. They are not out to get you- they don't want to see you hurt. I don't understand why we don' t figure this out- we want to say, but I loovvveeee him... .so stupid.'

Haha! Yes, I will check! I feel I am preparing myself to leave. Just need to plan for it. Mostly because my body is speaking very clearly to me. I got 2 different (non treatable) ear damages on my both ears, so on my right ear I am almost deaf. ("I don´t listen to myself" or maybe "I don´t wanna hear the craziness"?    ) Doctors have no explanation. I have had lung and chest problems for 6 months, did all the x-rays and stuff, doctors can´t find anything ("I can´t breath"