BPD ex says s9 cavities my fault

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Once again I'm back for advice. I've been informed that s9 has 3 cavities, and it's my fault. You can count on one hand how many times s9 didn't brush his teeth before bed, while with me. He brushes every day for sure. S9 was denied access to me for a long time, it's not his first cavity. I don't want my son to have cavitys, I've been trusting he is brushing his teeth at night. I've actually saw her more than once checking his mouth with a flash light telling him he's going to have rotten teeth.

On to an old topic. She's still pushing for me to cut back time and let s9 come home when he wants to. She's using this and his cavitys as to his problems with my access. She says she's missing time from work but she complained of this when I had no access. I've told her a hundred times, I can get the time off work to help with s9's apps and days he's sick. She never once took me up on the offer. She's creating my absence out of s9 life and than saying I'm not there or getting someone else to do it. I can't figure this out. I don't want to budge on loosing any time bc it will never stop. In the past she's lied and manipulated my access, never getting the time made back in return. Even s9's requests are denied to be with me. I want to do what's best for s9, exBPD insists if I let s9 go home when he requests, we wouldn't be having these problems of him calling to come home from school early bc he's sick or lonley. S9 asked once to go home, after a phone from his mother, I told him he had to stay, s9 was good about it. She called 8 more times that night. She insists s9 is always asking to go back home. I keep telling he he only asked once. He loves his little cousin and his mother gets him on the phone and talks about how he is going to miss his cousins visit bc he's with me and s9 gets all sad and wants to leave.

[bus boy]

Once again I'm back for advice. I've been informed that s9 has 3 cavities, and it's my fault. You can count on one hand how many times s9 didn't brush his teeth before bed, while with me. He brushes every day for sure. S9 was denied access to me for a long time, it's not his first cavity. I don't want my son to have cavitys, I've been trusting he is brushing his teeth at night. I've actually saw her more than once checking his mouth with a flash light telling him he's going to have rotten teeth.

On to an old topic. She's still pushing for me to cut back time and let s9 come home when he wants to. She's using this and his cavitys as to his problems with my access. She says she's missing time from work but she complained of this when I had no access. I've told her a hundred times, I can get the time off work to help with s9's apps and days he's sick. She never once took me up on the offer. She's creating my absence out of s9 life and than saying I'm not there or getting someone else to do it. I can't figure this out. I don't want to budge on loosing any time bc it will never stop. In the past she's lied and manipulated my access, never getting the time made back in return. Even s9's requests are denied to be with me. I want to do what's best for s9, exBPD insists if I let s9 go home when he requests, we wouldn't be having these problems of him calling to come home from school early bc he's sick or lonley. S9 asked once to go home, after a phone from his mother, I told him he had to stay, s9 was good about it. She called 8 more times that night. She insists s9 is always asking to go back home. I keep telling he he only asked once. He loves his little cousin and his mother gets him on the phone and talks about how he is going to miss his cousins visit bc he's with me and s9 gets all sad and wants to leave.

[Thunderstruck]

You're doing the right thing, do not budge on lessening your time. 

SD11 just got a pretty bad sunburn over the weekend while with us. Guess whose "fault" uBPDbm said it was?    Don't take that stuff to heart.

Does S9 have sealants on his teeth? I got those when I was younger and SD11 has them and neither of us have cavity problems. I don't think DH has any and he seems to have a bunch of tooth problems. Maybe you can call the dentist and see what he/she recommends? (P.S. BPDmom lied about other things before, do you think she is over-exaggerating the cavity issue?).

This phone call situation isn't working. Do you see any benefit to getting something like a parent coordinator involved?

All of these tactics are parental alienation tactics. She's trying to "rescue" S9 from imaginary danger. She's creating false neglect and trauma. She is being overbearing and interfering with your parenting time. I just read an article from Dr. Childress talking about these things: www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=112&TID=6&FN=pdf

How do you and BPDmom communicate? I think part of what scaled back the drama was when we switched to Our Family Wizard. DH doesn't really like the program, but I think it's useful.

[Ulysses]

I've told her a hundred times, I can get the time off work to help with s9's apps and days he's sick. She never once took me up on the offer. She's creating my absence out of s9 life and than saying I'm not there or getting someone else to do it. I can't figure this out.

I'm sorry.  I hate how I feel when it seems like exH is trying to squeeze me out of my children's lives.

I'm not sure if this suggestion will help, but here goes.  My parenting plan indicates the parent who schedules the medical appt must let the other parent know about the appt.  We each have a right to come the appointment, no matter who schedules it.  Is your ex required to inform you of medical appointments?  Can you show up at the appointment?  If you do, how do you think this will be for your son?  There were a couple of medical appointments exH scheduled without my knowledge.  I opted not to go because I felt it would be difficult for my S to have us both there. 

Another thought - can you communicate directly with the medical provider?  Call the dentist, discuss dental care for your son, what the dentist recommends, etc.  Also, call to check-in after appointments, so that you have first-hand knowledge, and so that the health care provider knows you.  My exH often doesn't come to appointments, but sometimes he calls the doctor.  I have also spoken with a medical provider directly if I have questions, etc.

8 phone calls in one day?  Is there anyway you can limit this?  I can't think of wording right now, but maybe a friendly, quick email? 

All of these tactics are parental alienation tactics. She's trying to "rescue" S9 from imaginary danger. She's creating false neglect and trauma.

I found this very useful.  Thanks for posting it.  I was talking to my L last month, describing what exH was saying re: our S13.  L said, "So, it sounds like he feels he understand S13 better than you do, and he needs to "rescue" him from you."  I didn't see that aspect of the situation.  She didn't use the word alienation, but it aligns with your statement.  I need to read more to understand alienation.

[bus boy]

 I really try not to communicate with her. She twists everything so  bad and lies and I very toxic so I do my best not to talk to her only by text. I had to talk to her today about the dentist and no matter how much I told her I keep on top of s9 teeth, it's like she wasn't hearing me. I also found out that s9 missed school bc he didn't like the substrate teacher so he called to go home. Ex BPD told me s9 was sick and she had to leave work,  all bc his access with me when hard on him. I was so depressed.

To Ulysses- that was 8 phone calls in one hour. She clearly was pressuring s9 to come home. After s9 had his phone call to mom, I shut the ringer off. S9 had a project due for school and it was driving her crazy that s9 was doing it with me on his access weekend. I was left out of almost everything and now that I pushed the court order, went to the school with the court order, now I know everything she knows. I took lots of control from her and she is frantically trying to regain it.

[Sunfl0wer]

The school actually puts up with this?

In my experience, the schools are generally strict about attendance as funding is dependent on regular attendance.

Has the school expressed concern? Hopefully an anonymous mosquito will buzz in their ears to write mom a letter to address pulling him out for trivial matters. 

How will S9 learn to deal with minor stresses when mom teaches him she will always rescue him from what other kids his age manage on their own? 

[Turkish]

Communicate with the dentist. Whose insurance is he under?

S6 just got sealants for his lower rear molars due to him having deep grooves which puts him are risk for cavities. Aside from her oddness resulting in a form of neglect, this could get unecessarily expensive later on.

[bus boy]

Hi sunflower,

S9 was allowed to quit soccer last year bc he didn't like the coach. S9 didn't like judo but she made him finish the season.

The school sent a letter home last year, a formal letter that every parent gets when a child misses an X amount of time. S9 mother took it right in the nose and went aboard the principal. That was back when s9's access was being denied to me.


Hi Turkish,

You are the second person on this post to mention sealants. Beauty of a small town. I know the lady at the dentist office, she will help me any way she can. I will call her today, ask about sealants and s9's app.

[ForeverDad]

Just so you know, there is a new treatment for some cavities but they have to be caught in the early stages before the tooth structure has been compromised.

Historically cavities were treated by waiting until they were large enough to drill out and then pack in a composite or newer tooth-color filling.  The problem with that is that every few years or so it has to be replaced with a slightly larger filling.  Eventually the person may need a crown or worse.

The new concept, a novel approach is to catch it so early that it's barely more than a white spot on the tooth surface.  The treatment is called Icon (drilling-no-thanks.info) where they etch out the decay and then infiltrate an epoxy to repair the damaged portion.  It's not for every surface nor if it has done structural damage, but it's an option.

My son had it back around 2010.  It was a slightly cheaper than drilled fillings but ended up more expensive because it wasn't covered by insurance (insurance excuse: no official "billing code".