New to this group

[Calibuda]

I've been married for 20 years and it's been like being married to a tornado. I finally got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore, the abuse, the land mines (egg shells) and decided it was time to protect myself and my children from it all. This ultimatum thrust my wife into the deep end and she attempted suicide twice... .in front of my children. Fortunately she was unsuccessful and I was able to get her into a Mental Health Facility for her protection and to get her the attention and medication she has needed for a long time. She was diagnosed by 3 doctors separately as having BPD, and it is a huge relief to know that I'm not crazy and that all of this is not my fault. My wife and I love each other like crazy, and I'm dealing with sadness, anger, and resentment for the past, and guarded optimism for the future. I've made an appointment to seek counseling for myself beginning tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it very much. I feel quite alone in this all... .her and my parents both know everything, but I go throughout my day interacting with others and can't share what I'm going through. She's been great, she keeps apologizing for everything knowing she's "put me through hell," but I don't want her to. I don't want her to blame herself, to feel guilt, shame, fear. I just want her to get some semblance of power over this so we can carry on with the rest of our lives.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Welcome Calibuda

Sound like you are heading in the right direction. have you had your councelling yet? If so how did it go?

Waverider

[Calibuda]

I went to two sessions yesterday, one with my wife to her therapist, and one for myself. My wife's therapist has asked my wife to have me write down what trust was for me... .what trust would look like in our relationship. Rather than think and write it down, and then leave it open for interpretation, I asked to join the session. It was hard. The good thing is it gave my wife's therapist the information she needed to help structure treatment, and in my sharing what trust means to me, my wife went into one of her uncontrollable rages which took her therapist by surprise. She had been calm, charming and very intentional with her words in previous sessions without me, so it was good for the therapist to see what I experience on a weekly basis. I left incredibly sad and angry by the attack. The accusations, the mistrust... .I'm just so tired of it all, and I'm committed to standing by her as she gets the treatment she needs, and I rebuild my boundaries and take my life back.

I had my initial session yesterday and the Psychiatrist said that I've developed depression from having been in this kind of relationship for so long, and asked me to take a personality test to determine if I have some sort of dependency issues that would have me stay in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long. I agreed and took the test, and will have results in a week. I left the session even more angry, not at my wife, but at her disorder. I'm blaming it (futile, I know) for all the sacrifices (jobs, friends, happiness... .yes, feeling sorry for myself) and for now dealing with depression... .an unfair reward for standing by someone you love. When I got home my wife wanted to talk, and I was just not in the place to do so, and as usual, she did not respect my request to speak later so I blew up. I told her I was angry, sad and tired. That after 20 years, I just want the space and the right to be angry, and to start working on myself to get whole. I've been incredibly successful in my life, and for the first time I'm feeling the cracks and I want to nip it in the bud now. I refuse to let my wife's BPD define her, and it is certainly not going to define who I get to be either. I love myself, I love my wife, I love my kids, and my commitment to our health and happiness is far greater that anything this soul-sucking disorder can throw our way.

[waverider]

Your words will resonate with many of us here. Soul sucking is a good description of this kind of environment. As a I believe you now realize allowing ourselves to get caught in victim mode will get us nowhere. We do have to become strong within ourselves to stop this leaching.

You can't improve the relationship until you start improving yourself, as you are the foundation it is built on.

The simple phrase "No i am not happy to do that" is worth its weight in gold, especially when there is no more added to it.