Helping My Children

[BPD2016]

I joined a few days ago so I guess I'm still a "newbie." 

Reading through these posts it's comforting to know many of my wife's behaviors are common among BPDs.  From projection, to waking me up in the middle of the night, to warping memories.  I've made a lot of progress during the past 12 months in setting boundaries but still have a long way to go to the point where I would say we have a healthy, or even tolerable marriage for the long haul. 

My last therapist gave me the business card of a family law attorney with experience dealing with high conflict BPD divorces.  I have found a new therapist.  I plan to ask him to help me develop the skill I need to maintain my own mental health, continue setting boundaries, and validate my wife.

My biggest concern, and frankly the issue that scares me more than anything else in life, is helping my three sons.  They are in elementary school age and overall great kids.  I'm worried because they are emotionally very sensitive.  I'm afraid they, too, may develop BPD if I don't get them the emotional support and love they need.  Also, my wife once told me that her grandfather was a dry drunk, and her mother had some kind of personality disorder (probably BPD).  So my wife is likely the third generation of BPD in her family.  I'm terrified that my kids might grow up to have it as well. 

Can anyone recommend resources for how to counsel and support the children of BPD so they don't grow up with this curse? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[teapay]

I'd recommend also posting on the "parent with BPD board."

Other things to try:

1.  Get a family therapist for you who has experience with families where mental illness is present.  Get help locally.

2.  If kids are having difficulty get them involved in therapy.

3.  Keep positive things going on in the kid's lives.  Keep them exposed to as much normalcy as you can.

4.  Continue to teach them more productive ways to living.  Give them a clear alternative example of your W maladpative ones.

5.  If your W does have stable positive qualities support them and highlight them to the kids.  This is great validation.

6.  Be the sane one in the family and put the family welfare above the W.

7.  In your own mind come to terms with separation and keep it in the back of your mind even if you hope to stay.

8.  Use boundaries and consequences to respond to any maltreatment of you or the kids by her.

Not sure of the specifics of your situation.  Is her r/s with kids good?  Is she maltreating them?  Is she competent in caring for them without your help?  Is she just a wreck and modeling poor behaviors and attitudes  for them?

[BPD2016]

Thank you, teapay.

I'm going a new therapist this week, and hopeful he can help me develop some skills.   I want to model mindfulness in my interactions with my BP wife for my kids. 

I will look into family counseling, but I doubt my wife will support that effort. She's not been diagnosed.

In general she is very competent in caring for the kids.  She is strict, but never physically abusive.  The biggest issue I see is that she can be very harsh when disciplining / scolding the kids.  It's a form of shaming that cuts to the core.  "I can't believe a 10 year-old would leave their toys in such a $# mess!."  (Which, of course, is a ridiculous statement.) 

She also is very reactive.  She can go from zero to complete outrage in less than a second.   The kids then scramble to clean up, and make mom happy.  They want her to be happy and feel responsible when she gets mad. I try to talk to them about mom and let them know that she's mad about something else and that they can't make her happy. 

The tricky part comes when she says to me, "It feels like your not backing me up," which is true.  How can I validate the invalid outrage against my children?  She also believes the parent should be the authority, so any questioning is viewed as a serious challenge to her authority.

I have not contemplated separation, but know I need to start thinking about it.  To stay in it I could probably develop the skills to manage my side of our relationship (e.g., validation), but I think that's too much to expect for my kids.