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Author Topic: My 12 year old son is having suicidal ideations  (Read 373 times)
Hello13
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1


« on: May 14, 2016, 09:19:37 AM »

My ex has all the BPD traits. He has my son half shared custody and my son is not coping. Tried court three times over 7 yrs and each time his custody increased a day. Parents went to my sons school to advise the principle that my son has expressed suicdal,ideations daily over last two weeks to their children. He is now with me and appears very happy and settled however tenses up at the thought of having to go to his dad's.
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Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2016, 10:53:12 AM »

Hello... .Hello13 (I sound like an Adele song  )

Welcome to the BPD Family.  I'm sorry to hear your son is struggling that is hard for him and naturally hard for you by extension.

It seems that BPD parents struggle when their children reach their pre-teen and teen years.  The children developing just as they should by becoming more independent and autonomous can be difficult for a parent with BPD.  To someone with BPD this can feel like abandonment because the child is less dependent and are pulling away becoming more of their own person.  Many BPD parents become overly close "enmeshed" with children and can make it a real struggle for their children to become more independent.

Here is a link to more information on enmeshment:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Is your ex using emotional blackmail or FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) on your son to try and force him into compliance?  https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This type of manipulation can be extremely stressful pressure on your son.

How much time is your son spending with his dad?  Is your son receiving therapy at all?  I would strongly suggest it if he isn't already.  Having a neutral person to talk to about his experiences and who can help him with coping skills could be very helpful for him.  You might also want to talk with his school Counselor or Teacher and let them know what is going on and what you are seeing.  Give him that extra support or if nothing else some extra eyes observing how he is doing.

Your son is in a tough spot.  I encourage you to check out the box to the right ----> each item listed is a link to more information.  Listening to and validating your son's feelings (without bad mouthing dad) will be very important.

Your story is very familiar to me.  My SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and 2 daughters.  At age 13 his younger daughter made suicidal threats her school reported and she was whisked off to the hospital.  She had been in therapy along with her older sister but the therapist did not know how to deal with her uBPDmom so mom became overly involved.  Therapy was not a "safe place" and was ineffective.  D13 was in crisis and the family was in crisis.  Having his daughter make suicial threats was naturally very scary for my SO but to me as an outside observer I saw it as potentially a good thing.  D13 was admitted inpatient for 2 weeks her mother (and dad) had brief limited contact, which I see as good so she could focus on herself. D13 received an evaluation, some medication, some therapy, and some coping skills.  That scary 2 weeks was very productive for her.  Her therapist (thankfully) changed practices so D13 was referred to another therapist (who understands BPD).

At 15 my SO's younger daughter is low contact with her mother.  There are phone calls and text messages but only very brief visits... .to drop something off or at a school function.  D15 still hopes her mother will change so she keeps that little bit of contact.  So far mom has not changed, and does not acknowledge that she has issues.  It's quite sad, but D15 has the relationship she chooses with her mom and we support that.

Take Care,

Panda39

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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2016, 03:27:54 PM »

A thoughtful question... .Is it suicidal ideations or... .is that that he just wishes he didn't exist or if he didn't exist he would have peace/whatever?

At the least you can ask for the school counselor to keep tabs on how he is at school.  We encourage the children to have a counselor, someone trained who can be neutral to the parents' influence and assist in coping with issues.

I recall my lawyer stating, "Courts love counseling!"  However, if son isn't in meaningful counseling now and Ex opposes it, you may need to go back to court to override Ex unless you have Decision making or Tie Breaker status.  Hmm, maybe DM/TB is something you can seek if you end up going to court.*  Courts are generally very reluctant to grant sole custody, so DM/TB are practical near-equivalents to reduce the need to keep returning to court.  Make your case that you seek solutions and have the children foremost in mind whereas Ex is more concerned with posturing and obstructing.

* Things have to be pretty bad to get sole custody.  I did manage to get it but it took about 6 years in and out of court before the court and son's GAL (Guardian ad Litem) realized the conflict and confrontations still weren't going away.  I was the one proposing solutions and Ex was shown to be obstructive.
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