How do I validate this statement?

[waitingwife]

Hi All,

So I have been practicing detachment and taking care of myself and that has become easier for me to be able to truly validate. Ourr/s has improved multifold too.

I'm in the middle of a profound statement made by uBPDH and am confused how to validate this:

We both went to a vineyard for wine tasting with my best friend and her hubby. My best friend is really close to me and vice versa, a lot of times she is my voice of reason. So we took a family picture and I am hugging uBPDH and her but leaning slightly more towards her. So he said to me amwhile we were sipping tea that he noticed I am leaning more towards her and he knows why. I asked him why did he think so? I said yes, she is my best girlfriend and the one I can relate to. Then very squeamishly he said I know the reason but I wont say why.

My old self dysregulates and starts reacting and saying how can you say so? I love you so much, blah blah... BUT I took a step back and smiled and decided to talk about it with him after I get a few perspectives from the senior members as to how I can express myself and truly validate his feelings. I know he feels insecure and is trying to be passive but I would really like to handle this the best possible way.

Please help and untill then I'll hang in here

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waitingwife]

Please help me with suggestions how anybody who else who has enough practise would uave handled or diffused this beginning of a dysregulation?

Thanks

[ArleighBurke]

It's hard to get a feel for the conversation. But it doesn't really sound like he said anything needing validation. If he had told you a reason, then validate, but since he didn't tell you, I suspect he just wanted to start a fight? Or move attention back to himself?

I think sometimes you can just let statements go... .

[Notwendy]

I think I would have not started questioning and explaining. That is JADEing and reinforcing in a sense that it got your attention. It isn't purposeful- but a habitual script that the two of you do. _ trigger-JADE-trigger.

Once in this pattern- it leads to frustration/circular arguments. JADE doesn't work and just frustrates me.

You got triggered, but the good part about that is that then you can practice becoming aware of when this happens, and not react in that habitual way.

Often we get triggered when our emotional buttons get pushed. To you, it sounded like " you love her better than I do, you don't love me enough , you aren't good enough", while he is thinking "I am not good enough, she loves her friend more than me"

But none of this is true. If it isn't true, you don't have to defend it. I like the pink elephant analogy ( or anything else absurd). If someone called you a pink elephant, would you explain that you were not one? Probably not because you are certain that you are not a pink elephant. But we tend to be triggered at accusations that we are not quite sure we are adequate or some insecurity. But we don't have to react.

So this is great! This uncomfortable feeling is you recognizing that this isn't working. Now the next time this happens, you can take a brief moment " time out, I just got triggered". Then a moment of self care to calm down. You may even need to pause the conversation for a moment. " I need a minute to think about that". Just doing this interrupts the pattern. Then give yourself a moment to calm down.

If you reply, make it a neutral statement. You could validate what you saw " yeah, in this picture, I am" and then give him a big hug. Change the subject. If he pursues it further, ask to talk about it later or simply say " I love you honey" and don't JADE. But I don't know if he would as the triggers have worked enough by this point

[Notwendy]

His " I know the reason but won't tell you why" is a tactic that lets him accuse you without revealing his feelings. It's based on insecurity. At the moment, to him EMOTION=FACT.

I have no idea what he is thinking- neither do you. But when this has happened to me, the accusation is stemmed in the feeling - you love that person more than me.

I think over time, we tend to be guarded with our partners, the result of WOE and the patterns we are in. But with our BFF's we are not. My H has picked up on that.  Things that have irritated my H are in this theme- listening me talk on the phone with my friend to the point that I prefer to talk to friends when he is not around- not as a WOE but because I feel more comfortable doing that. Or seeing old friends who I have not seen in a while - the enthusiasm has been misinterpreted.

I think we also can keep in mind that these feelings are momentary, and if they are not true, then we don't need to react to them as if they were. I don't like to validate the invalid, but neither should we invalidate. Yes, the picture was just that- a picture- and in that picture you were closer to your friend. So, you could validate that and then hug him, say " I love you" and then let it go.

[waverider]

he triggered your defensive instincts, it is good that at least you put them on hold.

However, as Wendy says, there is nothing to defend.

If you dont get drawn in most of these types of things just fizzles out like a spark without fuel to start a fire.

"innuendos" are one of the hardest traits for someone with this disorder to eliminate. They think this sort of thing all the time, difference is this one slipped out the door, so you heard it passing.

[waitingwife]

Thanks so much for your insights... .Especially the Pink Elephant analogy totally put things in perspective for me. So this is what I did/said:

Oh, yeah let me see the picture again! Anf after seeing it, I said - Yes, I notice that I am leaning towards her!

But I didn't say I love you bottove him a hug... Maybe coz I got triggered in my mind and my subconscious mind knew that I missed some step in effective communication. I am going to try hard to remember that next time when he makes that kinda statement or dysreguates. Maybe due to my FOO reasons, I don't show empathy and are there any ither ways to cultivate empathy? My autopilot reaction is to completely disengage to the point of passivity and he has told me that it dysreguates him more.

I also face the problem with me being on the phone and my preference of havig privacy during those conversations. Also in the evening out with the friends, my best friend mentioned to my husband that "you guys cannot move out of state anywhere coz "I" am her best confidante and that she can't imagine me go anywhere. My H was talking about being offered to change jobs at work, etc and it was a super casual discussion... .And my friend reacted only to tell him that we're like family and she trusts me after her family... .

Yesterday I was dealing with a ton of drama withmy brother's family with his wife being bipolar and bot seeking help. I was helping him sort through his feelings and seek help and then uBPDH saod this. I can see clearly that I was emotionally vulnerable and so my mind wandered in that direction. So my friend's statement of how important "I" am in her life and me being so emotionally available to my brother caused the insecurity to him. But practicing mindfulness is helping me a TON!

Thanks and hugs to you all...

[Notwendy]

I struggle with my H understanding what I say. I realize that so long as I am trying to communicate clearly, I can not make him understand me. If he wishes to understand me, he needs to try too. So, if I say something and he doesn't get it, then I stop. I used to keep pushing the point ( JADE) hoping he would understand me and being that he was agitated over something, he chose that "story" all it did was frustrate me more.

So, you love your BFF. So freaking what. My response is that you are so lucky to have a friend like that. In what universe is a spouse to be the only person we love? ( aside from our marriage vows). So long as we have good boundaries around our marriage, we are blessed to have good BFF's.

His feeling insecure about it is his problem- not yours. It isn't your job to fix this.

I just don't try. My H would get upset about any friend. He even got upset over seeing  a picture in a yearbook of an old school crush years before I met him. But it was him who opened the yearbook. I didn't think I had to throw it out when I got married. He acted as if I was cheating on him but I didn't even date the guy and he had no clue I had a crush on him at the time. I got very upset because at the time, my H was behaving as if I had betrayed him, slept with the guy, all kinds of accusations and I went round and round explaining because I thought it was my problem that he thought these things.

I was so upset at the time, but now, the idea of thinking this just makes no sense to me.

He chooses his thoughts, not me, and if they are not true, I have nothing to explain or defend. So you love your BFF. GOOD for you!. Own it! You don't have to explain or be ashamed of his thinking. You can have friends and you are lucky to have her.

[waitingwife]

Notwendy, I feel validated in feeling that I am capable of loving my friends & support system as much as my family. I have always been a person with very close and true friends and this while marriage to bod just made me question my feelings... .That is what FOG did to me but I am at a better place protecting my boundaries in the marriage and working on improving my role in this whole family dynamic.

Until now for 11 years of my marriage out of the total 13, I did not make even one new friend coz I was so self-absorbed in holding the other end of the rople and doing the dysfunctional dance that only my therapist made me reflect in myself and my capabilities... .So I am so thankful to this board and all of you to hang in there with me... .It's H's birthday on Thursday and I have arranged for a surprise lunch date for him and I have written a letter for him thanking him for whatever he HAS done... .Trying to validate the valid there coz he is really trying very hard to manage his condition and I felt like the best gift to give would be true validation(for the valid) and a gratitude journal. We have been practicing gratitude which is helping us keep things in perspective instead of spiralling out of control.

I really have to practice more empathy coz I am such a analytical and scientific person thst I lack the trait of empathy sometimes in my trigger time... .Any suggestions with working on why I lack showing empathy when I need to show it more? Are the feelings of empathy there and I am not able to express it or I don't have them at all?

[waverider]

Denying parts of your life, whether past or present, is the first step along the path to loosing your sense of self.

We are a product of our life's interactions and experiences, good, bad and ugly. Without them we wouldn't evolve into who we are.

[waitingwife]

Waverider - Can you explain this more clearly? Am I actually denying in my subconscious the Empathy skill I am lacking? Until I seeked therapy 3 years ago, I use to think I had the perfect childhood and life. But then during therapy I realized that my parents had some form of dysfunction going on where my dad would give my mom ST when we had guests or she'd hang out with her friends. But the culture I come from strongly believes in codependency where leaving a marriage is shunned and stigmatized. I never liked those values or morals so I use to fight them hard only to realize now from therapy that I also have some form of codependency(not as much as my FOO) but it's there and it is my autopilot...

So I am trying hard to step out of my own comfort zone and mindfulness is helping me take those baby steps. Along with codependency, my parents had a ton of love to share and give us. We had a warm home but I witnessed lot of passive aggressive anger from both mom and dad. So does my lack of empathy has anything to do with this?

Wow, it's amazing to unravel our own life!

[waverider]

isolating yourself from friends and family because your partner has 'issues" with them, or they with him, either out of empathy for him or to avoid conflict denys you your right to contacts that form part of your life.

Similarly many partners want you to act like your past , and those in it, never existed. But these people did, and they do. Your interactions and experiences with them are part of who you are. If you deny them you are denying part of your evolution.

Your evolution is the foundation of your sense of self. Loose your sense of self and you become putty to be molded to the whims of others and you descend into dependency on others, ie codependency.

You cant break from codependency until you embrace your life and everything that has been, and still is part of it, particularly that which is not dependent on your partners likes or dislikes.

[waitingwife]

Yeah it makes so much sense about being short changed is equal to becoming codependent and I most defination had the tendency from my FOO or else how could I have suddenly developed that tendency just by being married.

I also think I am getting triggered coz of my brother's family issues... .His wife being bipolar and not seeking help... .I have posted in another thread about this specific issue. So maybe thats why I keep questioning myself when I take that pause... .When I am calm and centered, I don't have the need to seek some sort of validation to express myself openly... .

I'm also waiting to see my therapist and that might help coz we're all a work in progress after all.